A pleasant and steady rhythm.
******
And I never did promise you perfection,
I never did promise utopia on a silver platter.
And as the warmth of summer ends and gives way to the bitterness of winter,
what indeed have we got to show for it.
And I never did promise everything that you wanted.
What indeed can I offer to a total stranger.
A person I barely know! I person I never talked to!
How can I promise the world if I don't know who the hell you are?
And I never did make any promises.
Would you be any happier if I did?
How can I satisfy the intimate stranger I never got to know?
I never did get a clue! Nobody told me how!
And now it's snowing outside. The year is over.
Did I fulfill any of your expectations? Did I come close?
Are we just fooling ourselves? Am I fooling myself?
Am I better off in the arms of another woman?
******
I love you Katerina Maccabees!
And then I saw your lovely face as I awoke in the morning
The window was open to allow the warm summer breeze
to gently blow inside
You could hear the sound of street cars
bleeding through the walls
And then I saw your lovely face as I awoke in the morning
and I knew that all was right in this world
As we gently
******
My dear Lady of the morning dew,
I did see the sun rise in the morning
Indeed such a spectacular sight
And I did feel the warm summer breeze blow against my skin
Winter has come to an end
My dear sweet lass, join my hand and let’s walk in the sun lit
grassy pasture side by side
And I did see your beautiful face in the morning
Sweet girlish femininity, radiant in the sunlight
And I did feel your soft hand in mine
As the bright sun signaled the arrival of a new day
******
I'm running low in spare coins
Only two more dollars in my pocket
A most shameful problem.
Not enough to afford taxi cab fare
Not enough for the local movie theater
Yet what do I do with two dollars in my pocket?
Invest in the bank? Buy a fast food dinner?
Shove it back into my pocket for a rainy day.
Not enough to afford taxi cab fare,
but perhaps enough to afford the public bus.
******
Can we truly survive desire?
I doubt it. Maybe you feel differently.
Does Katerina Maccabees truly exist?
Or was she a work of fiction I made up in my head.
Show no desire. Be a stoic mountain cliff.
Love is mostly cerebral anyway.
And if Katerina Maccabees truly exist,
would I know what she looks like?
Or would I walk past her without ever knowing
Show no desire. Show no desire. Show no desire.
And should this poem be written at all?
Just the ramblings of an anti-social jerk.
I do yearn for Katerina Maccabees,
Even if she were a work of fiction.
Or maybe I walked past her without ever knowing.
I suppose it’s difficult for me to speculate.
******
I looked at Katerina Maccabees as the coffee started to brew. The girl frowned as she rubbed the sleepiness from her eyes.
And you told everybody that today was the day that I died.
And I’m still here to contradict everything you say.
And when you lay a bouquet of flowers on my grave, there won’t be a body inside it.
And when you place your hand on my tombstone, it is an empty meaningless marker.
And you told everybody that today was the day that I died.
Sorry darling, but I don’t have a suicidal bone in my body.
I’m not leaving anytime soon.
And I'm still here to contradict everything that you say.
******
And this poem was going written to be a compromise.
And attempt to find a middle ground.
And this poem was going to be written as an attempt to build a friendship.
What a fool I was to assume that!
I don’t care about your marriage! I don’t care about your miscarriage.
That has nothing to do with me! It has everything to do with the man you married.
And that man isn’t me.
What about us? Is there an us? Or am I fooling myself!
And this poem was an attempt at reconciliation.
But you see dark menace in everything I do. What a fool you are.
This poem was meant to be filed under building a relationship.
A misguided attempt to find a middle ground.
What a fool you are to mistrust me.
I don’t care about your husband! I don’t care about your miscarriage. I don’t care.
That has nothing to do with me.
Tell me something that I do care about! Tell me now because I’m nearly out of the door.
Am I better off finding a girlfriend who doesn’t have previous romantic ties?
It appears that I am. Any girl might be better than you.
Am I wasting my time trying to find a common ground? It appears so.
I don’t care about your husband. I don’t care about your miscarriage.
When will you get a fucking clue already?
I’m walking out of the fucking door and you’re doing nothing to stop me!
******
It has taken a while for the snow to melt.
And with the ice melting away, hope has returned.
I look into your eyes and I’m reminded that there is hope for the future after all.
The sun have emerged to greet is with all it’s glory.
And the dancers shall take to the stage, as the orchestra plays the tune.
Bright swirling colors dances about. Delighting us with it’s mysticism.
And I took your dainty hand in mine and we looked into each others eyes.
Your sweet feminine smile reassures me that there is hope after all.
******
I still have an affection for your beauty darling lady,
even if you were the first to toss in the towel.
I still have faith that our love affair will last for decades,
even if you’re reluctant to feel the same way.
And if you took your advice from simpletons and fools,
would the bound that ties us together be any stronger?
I still love to hold you hand, even if you recoil from my touch.
I still love to kiss you,
even if I’m the one who must make the first move.
And our romance could last for decades,
if you bothered to give me chance to prove myself.
******
And I saw her standing in front of me.
Her long flowing hair and her sweet delightful smile.
And it felt so good to be in her presence,
even if it were for an hour or two.
And I recall how bright the sun was shining that afternoon.
And for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life.
And for all my faults, or because of my faults
I shall continue to love her as best I can.
Yet, all my sins seems to melt away, whenever I’m in her presence.
And I recall how bright the sun was shining that afternoon.
******
Summer has finally arrived, the snow is finally melted.
And the river was warm enough for me to dip my hand into.
And I was comforted by the peaceful calm of the forest.
On the third day of June.
I could see her standing behind me.
Katerina watching me with loving adoration.
I could see Katerina’s reflection in the river,
On the third day of June.
******
It's another worthless evening down the drain.
I seek reconciliation. You want to kill me.
I seek a middle ground. You want to destroy it.
I want mediation. You don’t.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
It’s easy for me to lose patience with you.
You’re giving me plenty of reason for walking out of the door.
I don’t want a war against you, but you clearly do.
I want to make love, but you’re never in the mood.
It’s hard to get in a sexual mood when you’re obsessed with vengeance.
It’s hard to make love when you’re overflowing with hate?
You will never except any of my apologies. You will only accept my death.
Well honey, I’m not interesting in dying today!
I seek reconciliation. You want to kill me.
I seek a middle ground. You want to destroy it.
I want mediation. You don’t.
You’re giving me plenty of reasons for walking out of the door.
******
Can I call you mine? Failing that, can I make believe.
Or is that luxury forbidden to me.
Do you hate me so that we could never find a common ground.
Are we fated to be forever enemies?
Can I call you mine? Failing that, can I make believe.
******
And yes, I do care for you. If you would only listen to my words.
And yes, I will always care for you. But you keep listening to my enemies instead.
I trust you without reservation. You trust my enemies more than you trust me.
I love and cherish you darling lady. Do you feel the same way?
The bitterness of winter has ended. Does that bring you joy?
All the ice and snow has melted. Did you even notice?
Soon all the beaches will be open? Will you bother to show up?
I love and cherish you darling lady. Do you feel the same way?
******
Let’s forget for the moment all those petty excuses.
They are as meaningless as the snow that falls on the ground.
You claim to know me, yet persist in misjudging me.
Yet we continue to face each other in the cold stillness of the living room.
And we circle around each other.
We dare each other to be the first to step forward.
Is this another game or a life long ambition?
Which of us has the bravery to take the first step?
All those petty excuses you keep coming up with are still meaningless.
That much haven’t changed. You say that knocking me out would be easy.
Yet I’m still standing here. Darling lady, you and I are still dancing.
And we dare each other to take the first step as the snow falls into the living room.
******
Why didn’t you see the fire that burns of a thousand years.
Why didn’t you shout out to the heavens
and cry the song of tulips and fantastic leaps of light?
why didn’t you watch as the dancers took to the stage?
Why didn’t you stay to enjoy the show?
Why didn’t you see the fire as it swallowed you up alive?
Why didn’t you try to touch the eternal clouds of mortal dreams?
Why didn’t you show up at the Carnival?
Why didn’t you exhibit the bravery you claimed to possess?
Why didn’t you hang out with the readers and the palm takers?
Why didn’t you see the fire as it swallowed you up alive?
******
Katerina Maccabees, we should dance like lovers.
You’re beautiful in the sunlight. That much is obvious.
And your hands are soft and gentle to hold.
Yet, you’re always distracted by something else.
You’re frequently looking away.
I don’t discourage easily darling lady. I’ve come too far to possibly back away.
And besides, I love your hair. I love to run my hands through it.
You say, “Ah yes, you’re so romantic. Yet you keep missing half of what I’m telling you.”
And I’m trying to figure out what that means.
You’re distracted again. I patiently wait for you to turn your attention back to me.
And yes, there is often a long wait. But I’m a patient man.
You say, “You put up with a lot of crap. How do you manage to pull that off?”
I gently pull your body close to mine. I rest my head upon your shoulders.
******
Katerina Maccacabees, it's the sixth lover's madrigal,
You want me to get sexual and passionate,
yet you continue to wage war.
You want me to make love to you,
But you refuse to protect me from harm.
You want me to surrender,
yet you continue to place a knife to my throat.
I want to make love to you darling lady,
do you feel the same way?
You have yet to answer the question.
******
Let's pause for a sidewalk reflection.
You are the secretive type of girl. We both know that to be true.
You set into motion romantic plans,
but you never tell me what role you want me to play.
And you set the actors on the stage. And you give them lines to recite.
Yet, where is my script? Did it get lost in the mail again?
You are the secretive type of girl. You told me that it were true.
What script did you write this time? Was it funny? Was it sad?
Did this script end with a punch line? I don’t have a clue.
I’m supposed to be your partner. Your sidekick. Your best friend.
Yet, I’m always the last to know---If I ever find out to begin with.
You are the secretive type of girl. What script did you write this time?
How will the script end today? Will I live? Will I die?
Will we live happily ever after?
I’m supposed to be your partner. Your sidekick. Your best friend.
Yet I never got to see the script you wrote for me.
You are the secretive type of girl. And I love you for it.
You’re watching me again. I can see. You can’t tear your eyes away.
And you wrote another script for me. I know that to be true.
We’ve got to meet face to face someday.
You are watching me again. You’re always watching me..
******
It's a stroll in the park with Katerina
And the skies were cloudy again.
No rain, but it’s getting pretty hot outside.
The grass was green. The flowers were in bloom.
A perfect day for a walk in the garden with Katerina
Can you see the butterflies flying about?
They perform a carefree and happy dance.
They dance in cheerful harmony
Nature provides the tune
And the skies were cloudy again,
Katerina Maccabees and I don’t mind
The rain hasn’t fallen
And it’s a beautiful summer day
******
It's another pleasant day at the beach.
And I stretched out my arms and greeted nature
in all her glory.
The majestic sun was shinning down below me.
And I took delight in the glory of nature.
As the waves of the ocean crashed upon the shore.
I stretched out my arms so far, I could almost touch
the seagulls.
Ah yes, if only I could jump so high
And I started to walk alongside the ocean
as the waves crashed upon my feet.
It was a pleasant morning at the beach.
The hot summer breeze blowing against me.
And I enjoyed the majestic beauty of the beach.
As I looked out at the vast ocean before me.
******
Can you hear the sweet songs that birds make
as the sun rises above the heavens
They swoop up and down from the heavens
before landing on the bright green grass
They chirp to one another without a care in the world
And the happily gather twigs and branches for their nests
as the morning arrives with all it’s spender
Can you hear the sweet songs that birds make
as they fly across a large green pasture
No trace of civilization anywhere
Just the perfection of nature untouched by human hands
And morning is finally here to happily greet the arrival
of a brand new day
******
The birds are in flight my dear,
The birds took to the skies
A giant flock flying upwards to the sky
A proud defiance of gravity
A proud expression of freedom
And the birds took to the skies
As I held Katerina’s hand in mine
And the birds took to the skies
As Katerina and I shared this pleasant moment together
******
It's breakfast in bed with Katerina Maccabees.
I awoke and prepared breakfast to anticipate the approaching dawn.
And I swiftly returned to bed with Katerina Maccabees.
A most delicious meal of scrambled eggs and toast
That was complimented by the rising sun.
And my hand slowly crept into Katerina’s hand.
As the sun slowly rose over the horizon
Orange juice, coffee and a small bowl of fruit
A soft pleasant melody on the radio
And Katerina and I enjoyed the approaching dawn
As we lay side by side in bed together
A most delicious meal of scrambled eggs and toast
That was
complimented by the rising sun
******
Can we visit the convent gardens?
And the gardens was spread out before us
The perfections of nature in all it’s glory
The vast array of trees, flowers and vines
that was untouched by human hands
We knew then that we were in utopia
******
And the rain fell upon the city.
The urban landscape drench by the thunderstorm.
And I didn’t carry an umbrella. I opened my arms to welcome the deluge.
As the city was soaked by the approaching flood.
And the thick storm clouds hung over the city.
The urban landscape wasn’t greeted by the shinning sun
I didn’t mind. I didn’t care. I welcomed the bleak darkness
As the city was soaked by the approaching flood.
And will the clouds ever part to show the sun?
Would I ever care if the sun ever appeared?
And I didn’t carry an umbrella. I opened my arms to welcome the deluge.
As the city was soaked
******
And I saw Katerina Maccabees in the morning light.
I do love to see your face in the morning
As we lazily lie in bed
Nothing to do all day except tend to each other
And I slowly rise out of bed to cook us some breakfast
Scrambled eggs and perhaps some toast
And I do love to see your face in the morning
As we enjoy breakfast in bed
Soft pleasant jazz playing on the compact disk player
The pleasant melodies of the morning light
******
Katerina Maccabees drinks a mug of coffee
And would I recognize you if I ever saw you Katerina?
Do I even know what color your hair is, let alone
the fragrance of perfume you often wear?
And would I know where I’m supposed to look for you,
if there was a pre-destined place at all.
A cappuccino Bar or the local movie theater?
Yet maybe I worry about this too much?
Would that be the case Katerina.
Yet I should learn to relax more often.
Just smile and drink a mug of coffee.
******
And I love Katerina in the desert
The vacation was only for a few weeks.
The desert highway stretched on for miles
as Katerina and I walked side by side
The majestic sun was shinning above
And we walked across the desert highway
without a care in the world
And it was indeed a pleasant day
Katerina and I continued our trek side by side
We were young. We were free. We were happy.
Three days till the fourth of July
with miles ahead of us.
******
Katerina Maccabees visited the beach today
The sky was blue. The sun was shining overhead.
The waves of the ocean gently rolled upon the shore.
A pleasant and steady rhythm.
And Katerina looked at the distant horizon.
She wondered what was on the other side.
A distant country. A far off magical land.
She didn’t know, but it was fun to imagine.
And the sea gulls flew above Katerina
As she threw rocks into the ocean
The waves of the ocean gently rolled upon the shore
CHAPTER TWO
NEVER FADE AWAY
Doctor Jarrel entered the office that he shared with Billy Justice and Kira Foxtrot Gannon. The office was on the fourth floor of the converted oil tanker turned houseboat. He sat down on a chair across from Billy Justice and Kira Foxtrot Gannon. There were a stern expression on Doctor Jarrel's face.
Doctor Jarrel said, "The elemental sorcery that would cause a flood has encountered some problems."
Kira replied, "Don't you dare ruin my optimism. We'll rise above those problems without problems. I won't let Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Junior and Rebekah Catherine Wheel ruin my day again. I simply won't allow it."
Doctor Jarrel said, "You can stick your head in the sand, but it's my job to shock reality into your thick skull. Greigory Republika's houseboat is only eight miles away from Billy Justice's houseboat. One of his people will spot us eventually."
Kira said, "Fuck! I never took that complication into account."
Billy said, "Relax, we'll just speed up the timetable. We'll cause the flood today as opposed to later in the month."
Kira said, "I was planning to shop for clothes tomorow."
Billy said, "You'll have to skip it. All your favorite clothing stores will be underwater soon. You'll just have to learn to live with it."
Doctor Jarrel said, "I could get some people together. I could blow up Greigory Republika's houseboat with a crew of twenty or so."
Billy said, "Has anybody working for Greigory Republika spotted us yet."
Doctor Jarrel said, "Not that I'm aware of."
Billy said, "Good, let's keep it that way. We need to be subtle about this."
******
The Honda was parked in the underground parking lot for the Hampton-Gohinger Shopping Mall. Kristi Kristos and Taj Raden exited the car and walked towards the elevator. Both women were carrying groceries while they talked.
Taj said, "How long have we been carrying groceries into this goddamn shopping mall. How long have these idiots failed to connect the dots."
Kristi said, "Be thankful for the ignorance of the common folk."
Taj said, "Don't worry, I certainly am thankful. I'm not in the mood to be answering rather awkward questions."
Kristi said, "Besides, how many common folk ever pay attention two the weird behavior of two college age girls in the lowest levels of an underground shopping mall parking lot."
The two girls walked past a Jeep Cherokee. Taj winced with obvious discomfort.
Kristi said, "It's none of your business. There's nothing you can do about it anyway."
Taj said, "It still matters. I have to look at her."
"It's still none of your concern."
"Doesn't it bother you? It certainly bothers me. Richard Conlon fell in love with Navaho Jo in 1968. He broke it off. Yeah, good for him. It turns out the reason why he's been avoiding the Metalshop for so long was that slut. Navaho Jo and Richard never truly broken up. Now he's letting her sleep in his apartment. He's parading her around Metalshop facilities. Yeah, I don't like Deborah Stanley. However, her side of the story is easier to feel sympathy for. Besides, Deborah is easier to get along with now that she's dating Dean Erckert again. I don't understand why she broke up with him in the early seventies anyway."
Kristi rolled her head with discomfort. She said, "Why are you so concerned? Deborah, Susan and Zoe never shared their gossip with us."
Taj replied, "But we still got a Metalshop discount at Deborah's Clothing Botique."
"Only because Alison insisted upon it."
"Deborah didn't need to listen."
The two women reached three elevators. They chose the middle elevator and it opened. The doors closed after their entrance. The elevator only travels up three parking lot levels and seven shopping center levels. Kristi pressed the number seven twice, the number three eight times and the number one twenty times. She placed her hand on the blank left wall of the elevator. A hidden panel appeared from thin air. Suddenly there were buttons for thirty hidden residential floors above the Hampton-Gohinger Shopping Mall that nobody outside the Metalshop knows about. Kristi pressed hidden residential floor ten. The elevator moved upwards.
Taj continued, "Navaho Jo Bearcloud-in-Sky isn't a member of the Metalshop. She refuses to join. Yet she's living in the highly classified residental section of the Hampton-Gohinger Shopping Mall. That could be a damaging security risk. Navaho Jo could be a spy working for the enemy. We need to do something about it."
Kristi said, "I never enjoyed it when you're having another panic attack."
Poetic faced Psychedelic and replied, "What happens if the lazy mechanic who takes two years to fix a goddamn taxi cab isn't a child molester. What happens if he never molested a child while watching any of the Harry Potter films."
Psychedelic faced Poetic and said, "Oh come on, we always knew that Harry Potter is child molestation porn."
Alison faced Poetic and Psychedelic before saying, "Will you girls please relax. You'll get your goddamn taxicab fixed. Stop whining already."
Poetic said, "Nagging is my best personality trait."
Psychedelic faced Poetic and said, "Nagging is also your mother's best trait."
Poetic faced Psychedelic and said, "A toast to all the irritating nagging this world has to offer. Cheers."
Regina said, "I'm not trying to sound like a snob, but I can't tell the difference between Deborah Stanley and Chandra Mortagan-Goth North."
Vi replied, "The difference between Deborah and Chandra is simple. Deborah acts like she needs a good slap on the face. Chandra acts like a crystal meth addict."
Regina faced Vi and replied with a frown, "Thanks for the clarification."
Raji entered the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table. She said, "Anyway, the date I had last night was a failure. The dude I went out with kept telling me that I was the only reason he was still alive. He kept threatening suicide if I were to die or leave him. I tossed my glass of wine on his head and donated a switchblade. I told him not to make too much of a mess in the restaurant bathroom." Raji poured herself a bowl of cereal. The Hindu Indian girl added, "That's the last time I'm going to let Taj set me up with a blind date. Speaking of which, am I the only one who thought that Taj is a weird name for a girl."
Motorcycle Kate said, "Personally, I thought that Tirmalkin was a weird name for a guy."
Raji noticed that Catherine was crying and eating breakfast. Raji faced Alison and asked, "Good lord, you're not beating up Bekah Cathy again."
Alison said, "Her name is Rebekah Catherine. Yeah, I had to slap some common sense into her thick skull. You want to make something of it."
Raji said, "Hell no, I don't want my sorry ass to get evicted. Sorry Bekah Cathy, but you're on your own."
Catherine replied, "Thanks for the show of support Raji."
Raji said with a smile, "Anytime sorority sister."
Duernie Vandenberg and her sister Jovanah Vandenberg entered the apartment. They entered the kitchen. Both women sat down at the kitchen table.
Jovanah said, "Normally, I'd be eating breakfast at Idiot Boy Cappuccino Cafe, but this nerd kept asking me out. This is the only place where the nerd never follows me. Do you have any pancakes around here? I'm hungry."
Alison faced Catherine and hissed, "Somebody is feeling hungry."
Catherine faced Alison and said, "Yeah, so what?"
Alison faced Catherine and hissed, "Get up and fix some pancakes you lazy fool."
Catherine stood up and starting cooking on the stove again.
Duernie said, "I never understood why certain men insist on sexually harassing women. Why are some men so brain dead that they can't understand when they're starting to irritate a girl. It's so frustrating because I can't do in public what needs to be done anymore."
Regina said, "My half-sister Cynthia Currie thinks sexual harassment is the best sensation in the world. Yet, I don't understand why she's still sleeping with that ultimate sexually harassing twit Robert Soliloquey."
Motorcycle Kate said, "Some women are deaf, dumb, blind and legally retarded."
Catherine said, "Oh come on, Robert Soliloquey has that career United States Armed Forces and experimental jazz musician personality traits going for him."
Alison said, "You're already in way too much trouble Catherine. Don't you dare make it worse."
Jovanah asked, "Did Duernie and I miss anything."
Poetic said, "Alison was beating up Catherine again."
Duernie said, "Hell yeah, I should eat here more often."
Catherine placed a platter of pancakes, waffles and sausage in front of Duernie and another platter in front of Jovanah. Catherine sat down next to Alison again."
Bridget Jager entered the kitchen with Vanessa Wheel and Cameron Wheel.
Regina faced Bridget and said, "Hello Mom, had a good sleep."
Bridget said, "I would've had a better sleep if Alison wasn't beating up Vanessa's daughter."
Alison faced Bridget and said, "Screw you."
Bridget faced Alison and said, "Nice to see you too."
Alison slammed her fist on the table. Catherine got up again.
Vanessa said, "Don't bother daughter. I'll get the food myself."
Alison faced Catherine and hissed, "Sit down and you're dead!"
Cameron said, "Chill out Alice. Everybody makes a mistake. Catherine is no different."
Catherine sat down. Alison shot Catherine an icy glare.
Cameron continued, "Ok, this is getting ridiculous. What the Hell is going on Alice."
Alison said, "It's none of your business Cameron."
Cameron said, "Of course it's a big deal Alice. You're disrupting breakfast."
Kyasi Tea entered the apartment. She walked into the kitchen and sat down next to Jovanah at the kitchen table.
Vanessa faced Kyasi and asked, "Do you want some breakfast."
Kyasi placed her backpack and purse on the floor. The Asian girl said, "Oh yeah, I'm starved. I didn't have anything to eat for the past twenty-four hours."
Psychedelic asked, "Are you getting anorexic again?"
Kyasi said, "I wish. I was fighting Doctor Dream and his army of Living Dead Phantom Riders again. Oh my Goddess, I hate those things. What's going on?"
Cameron replied, "Alice is going to tell us why she's punching Catherine this morning."
Kyasi said, "Oh wow, I got to hear this."
Bridget said, "I need to hear an explanation too."
Jovanah faced Catherine and said, "Hey lady, you need to take some self defense classes. You can't let Alison treat you like a rag doll every other evening."
Catherine said, "I'm the single most powerful supernatural entity in the known universe. Next to Alison of course. I don't need self defense classes."
Regina said, "Yet you're covered with bruises every other morning."
Catherine said, "I have a healing factor. The bruises will be erased."
Regina said, "That doesn't excuse Alison's behavior. You should act so pathetic all the time."
Cameron said, "Hold on a second. The Living Dead Phantom Riders doesn't work for Doctor Dream. The Living Dead Phantom Riders swore to murder Doctor Dream after that crises in Stockholm, Sweden. Remember? The magnetic sorcery was running amuck."
Motorcycle Kate said, "Oh yeah, how could I forget. I was locked inside the goddamn hotel room the entire time. You drugged my goddamn coffee with fucking sleeping pills."
Alison said, "It was dangerous. I didn't want you to get hurt."
Motorcycle Kate said, "It's a hell of a cruel trick to pull on me."
Alison said, "I don't need to explain my actions to you."
Bridget said, "You might need to explain your actions to me."
Alison faced Bridget and said, "I don't give a fuck what you feel."
Motorcycle Kate faced Alison and said, "I don't give a fuck what you feel either."
Alison punched Catherine in the face. Catherine fell off her chair and cried. Vanessa helped Catherine to her feet.
Motorcycle Kate cried, "Why did you do that for?"
Alison said, "I don't like Catherine's attitude."
Arzul Kavak and Yulia Kavak entered the apartment. They entered the kitchen and sat down around the kitchen table.
Arzul said, "Uncle Greigory will be arriving with Aunt Hannah. They are parking the car."
Jovanah asked, "I thought you were eating breakfast with Shonen Knife at her mansion."
Yulia said, "Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Senior is eating breakfast with Senator Mason Silk. It's not a good idea for Uncle Greigory to broadcast is extra-martial fling with Shonen Senior. Uncle Greigory is on thin ice already."
Bridget said, "Sit down and enjoy yourselves ladies. I'm making plenty of pancakes and waffles."
Catherine sat down next to Alison. She said, "I was planning to make scrambled eggs too."
Alison faced Catherine and asked, "Were you going to make scrambled eggs before or after you were planning to stab me in the back."
Yulia asked, "What's going on?"
Cameron said, "Alison has transformed Catherine into a human punching bag."
Psychedelic said, "You missed the worse of the domestic abuse incident."
Alison said, "It wasn't domestic abuse."
Greigory Republika and Hannah Krashmunda entered the apartment. They entered the kitchen and sat down next to their nieces Arzul Kavak and Yulia Kavak.
Greigory said, "I'm sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything."
Vanessa said, "You're not invited to breakfast Greigory."
Hannah said, "Yet my spouse and I are here despite your wishes."
Vanessa said, "Yes, I've noticed that. Catherine didn't brew enough coffee this morning. Don't worry, I'll correct that." She faced Greigory and asked, "Do you want rat poison with your coffee."
Greigory said, "I prefer sugar with my coffee. Thanks for the offer though."
Vanessa said, "I'm just making this world a better place."
Arzul said, "Uncle Greigory is launching a new magazine."
Bridget asked, "Is the new magazine entitled Creeps Digest?"
Yulia said, "It's going to be entitled Greigory and Hannah Magazine. It's a human interest and travel magazine. It might have something to do with animals, environmentalism, architecture and interior design too. I saw outlines for the first issue. It's going to be amazing."
Greigory said, "Hannah and I always wanted to launch a magazine. It's been our dream for the past five years."
Deborah Stanley, Susan Stanley and Zoe Stanley entered the apartment. They sat down around the kitchen table.
Regina said, "Ok, this is getting ridiculous. I thought you girls share an apartment over the clothing store you jointly own. Wasn't it called Deborah's Clothing Boutique. The clothes you try to sell in that dump pretty much suck."
Zoe faced Regina and said, "That's because you're color blind."
Deborah said, "The oven the apartment I share with Susan and Zoe broke. Alison Junior knows what that it's like to break an oven."
Alison said, "I'm trying to forget that incident."
Deborah said, "I'm trying not to forget it."
Vi asked, "Are you three going to drop by three times a day?"
Susan said, "Deborah, Zoe and I plan to eat at Idiot Boy Cappuccino Cafe too. However, this apartment was closer to Deborah's Clothing Boutique."
Arzul said, "Uncle Greigory is going to launch Greigory and Hannah Magazine. You should purchase an issue when it's released."
Zoe said, "I'll keep that in mind when that moment arrives."
Deborah faced Greigory and asked, "I thought you couldn't get financing for that project."
Greigory replied, "Lord Newel offered his unconditional financial support for Greigory and Hannah Magazine. Everything is running smoothly."
Vi faced Greigory and said, "Of course you'd get financial support from Lord Newel. He's a sucker for lost causes. Don't get me wrong. I love the photograph of Hannah and you standing next to a panda bear on the cover." Vi faced the entire group and asked, "Does anybody know Lord Newel's first name?"
Yulia said, "Lord Newel's first name is Fredrick."
Vi replied, "Wow, I never knew that."
Raji faced Greigory and said, "I took a look at a rough draft of the first issue of Greigory Republika. I loved the photo spread of the interior design of your houseboat right next to the article on smog and air pollution. I never knew your houseboat had a ballroom."
Greigory replied, "Oh yes, the ballroom is very useful for parties and planning environmentalism protest rallies. I just had the room repainted. You should see the before and after photos. It's rather quite staggering."
Police Detective Lang said, "Serge Remen was on the board of Directors at Hanover Banking Incorporated. He got along great with everybody---in an oily soap opera sort of way. There were twenty people in the Board of Directors. How long did it take to wipe them out?"
Police Inspector Deck said, "It took only twenty-two hours to murder nineteen people, their spouses and all of their children. Infants, elementary school age children, teenagers and even the elderly weren’t spared."
Police Detective Shepherd asked, "Do you want to write a detailed psychiatric profile for Serge Remen in case he's guilty and impossible to locate."
Police Inspector Deck said, "Yes, you might need to. Fuck, what a goddamn mess."
Police Officer Goldberg approached the three women. He said, "I just got a telephone call from downtown headquarters. Serge Remen has voluntarily surrendered. He committed all of the murders. He wants to make a video taped confession. You'll need to rush down there because Serge Reman only has two hours maximum to live. Somebody poisoned him."
Police Inspector Deck said, "Goddamn it, this fucking day keeps getting worse."
******
Kiwi Natil and her sister Tabatha Natil stood behind Lord Newel. He sat down cross-legged in front of the tombstone for his only daughter Beatrice Newel. There were tears in his eyes as Lord Newel recited a prayer in French. He uttered a second prayer in German before he stood up. He faced Kiwi and Tabatha. They were in the middle of a cemetery located in Seattle, Washington. Lord Newel turned around and stood next to Kiwi and Tabatha. They looked at Beatrice Newel's tombstone.
Lord Newel said, "I miss her. My daughter Beatrice had a lot to offer the world."
Tabatha said, "I miss her too. She should never have died in that car crash."
Lord Newel said, "She was killed. Prince Elgan was her murderer and he's in jail. Yet, there are days when I feel that prison wasn't enough."
Tabatha said, "Prince Elgan belonged to British royalty. You couldn't kill him without attracting attention."
Lord Newel said, "Yes, I also understand it. It's still unfair. It hurts so much not having Beatrice standing here. She had more to contribute to the world than Prince Elgan ever could. I would imagine that my daughter would be in heaven. She would be living inside paradise. What type of world would be living in if we couldn't get that much."
Kiwi said, "Death would be much too easy for Prince Elgan. Keeping him alive would be better punishment. Make him live with the consequences of his actions for as long as possible. Self-inflicted guilt would be worse than a political assassin’s blade."
Lord Newel said, "Yes, I guess that should be sufficient."
******
Chandra was alone for four years. There was no telephone calls nor were there letters. It was as if Marcel had dropped off the face of the Earth. Just when Chandra was about to give up, he walked down the flight of stairs to the subterranean restaurant Idiot Boy Cappuccino Café. Chandra spent four years preparing a long speech. She spent four years plotting revenge. Yet, when she finally faced the opportunity to make good on her threats, she couldn’t follow through with it. She melted instantly and kissed him. That was yesterday. They’ve been naked in bed ever since. Their apartment was above Electronificient Records and Tapes. Electronificient Records and Tapes were above Idiot Boy Cappuccino Cafe. It was a difficult apartment to get, but they had their resources. They woke up together inside their married bed. Chandra Mortigan Goth North looked at her husband Marcel North. She smiled before they kissed.
Chandra said, "Yesterday was hell, but the sex made up for it."
Marcel said, "Oh God, don't you dare mention yesterday. I've been trying to forget it. It sticks to the mind despite your best efforts to forget it."
Chandra said, "It's like that time Doctor Dream had those maggot demons try to pull me under quicksand. Except, you need to amplify that horror five times."
"Oh my God, don't you dare mention Doctor Dream's maggot demons ever again. It scares me to even think about it."
"What do you want for breakfast, waffles or scrambled eggs?"
"I don't mind cooking us both."
"Oh yeah, that's right. It's your turn to cook for the entire day. I keep forgetting."
"It's a good thing I'm here to help you remember that."
"Then you better shower and dress before I die of hunger and thirst. Don't use up all of the hot water."
Marcel lovingly kissed Chandra before he said, "I'll try to make it quick."
Marcel smiled before he climbed out of bed and walked into the bathroom. Chandra climbed out of bed and slipped into a bathrobe. She could here the shower being turned on as she exited the bedroom and walked into the living room. She played Pat Metheny Jazz music on the compact disk player as she read a hardcover book on pagan witchcraft spells.
******
Bridget Jager was Regina Jager's biologic mother and Archie Jager's ex-wife. Archie Jager had extra-marital pre-marital sex with television news reporter Tiffany Mendelssohn and produced Cynthia Currie. Regina Jager and Cynthia Currie have the same father, but different mothers. Anyway, Archie Jager is now married to Tiffany Mendelssohn.
Vanessa Wheel married Ku Klux Klan and neo-Nazi white supremacy activist Karl Tollhouse. She divorced him when Karl Tollhouse founded the Seattle Association for Minority Eradication aka S.A.M.E.. Karl Tollhouse co-leads S.A.M.E. with Anton St. Dagon Dragovic (Tatiana Dragovic's biologic dad) and Ute Dragovic (Tatiana Dragovic's uncle). It isn't certain if Karl Tollhouse was the biologic father of Catherine Wheel and Cameron Wheel. Colonel Reginald Wolf also claimed to be the biologic father of Catherine Wheel and Cameron Wheel. Catherine and Cameron have done nothing to discourage Colonel Reginald Wolf's claim of genuine biologic fatherhood.
Bridget Jager and Vanessa Wheel have been roommates for a while. They share an apartment located on Terminal 120 of Harbor Island in Eliot Bay. The two middle aged women share their apartment with Catherine Wheel, Alison Taylor, Regina Jager, Cameron Wheel, Vi Ploriontos, Katherine "Motorcycle Kate" Taylor, Poetic Justice, Psychedelic Justice and most recently Raji Suberayan. Catherine, Alison, Regina, Cameron, Vi, Motorcycle Kate, Poetic and Psychedelic are working for Metalshop Crime Cartel Assault Squad Number 12. Raji, a Hindu Indian girl from Bombay and Bangladesh, was the hostess for an Asian restaurant called the Gentle Bridges of Tsui-Ehr.
Rebekah Catherine Wheel and Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Junior were facing each other in the kitchen of the multi-floor apartment. Catherine was a sixteen-year-old Caucasian female who is five feet and three inches. She is a slender woman and her weight is roughly 150 pounds. Her probable nationality is German-American and is probably an immigrant.
The woman has a smooth and average complexion. She had a medium sized head and dark brown hair that is two inches in length and parted on the right side. The woman had a narrow forehead. She had medium sized green eyes with snort eyelashes. Her eyebrows are bushy and the same color as her hair. She always wore a diamond and leather headband around her head as if it were a crown.
She had a medium sized nose with small nostrils. Her cheeks are full and she had high cheekbones. There is a scar across her left cheek. Her mouth is frequently held open and she had thin lips. She had white teeth with no apparent signs of cavities. She had a prominent double chin. She had a medium sized jaw.
The woman wasn't wearing facial cosmetics of any variety. The woman's face is rugged and unglamorous.
The woman had medium sized ears that are oval shaped with medium sized lobes. She had a medium sized neck and small shoulders. She had short hands, smooth with short fingers. Her hands were visibly mutilated with scars and burns. Her fingernails are unpainted and there is dirt found underneath.
She had a punk rock tomboyish appearance. She had a direct, take charge type of personality. Her sexual orientation is strictly heterosexual. She rarely went overboard with her flirtations with the opposite gender.
Alison Taylor is a seventeen-year-old Caucasian female who is five feet and five inches. She is a slender woman and her weight is roughly 150 pounds. Alison is woman who was born in Paris, France. She is still a legal resident of France and expressed no interest in acquiring American citizenship. She speaks fluent French and English. French being her primary language and English being her secondary language.
The woman has a smooth and average complexion. She has a medium sized head and long curly black hair that is parted in the middle. The woman has a narrow forehead. She has medium sized green eyes with short eyelashes. Her eyebrows are thin and the same color as her hair.
She has a medium sized nose with small nostrils. Her cheeks are full and she has high cheekbones. The woman's skin is smooth, soft and perfectly perfumed. She has white teeth with no apparent signs of cavities. She has a medium sized jaw. Alison Taylor is a lover of facial cosmetics and applied her make up perfectly.
The girl has medium sized ears that are oval shaped with medium sized lobes. She has a medium sized neck and small shoulders. She has short hands, with short fingers. Her hands are soft with a few scars in the palms of her hands. Alison claims to have gotten those scars when she worked as a goat herder in rural regions of France. Her fingernails are painted perfectly and no dirt is found underneath.
Her voice is soft and polite. Her attitude is distant, aloof, charming and surprisingly approachable. Alison has this crazy belief that she's the only one who is allowed to be a loner. Everybody else has to be an extrovert whether they like it or not. The woman walked fast with very long strides. She has a soft denim clad punk rock appearance. She is decked out in precious jewelry. Alison Taylor had a direct, take charge type of personality.
Her sexual orientation is strictly heterosexual. She rarely went overboard with her flirtations with the opposite gender. She's a left wing liberal and unapologetic in her hateful criticism of conservatives.
Alison was seething with hatred as she studied Catherine carefully. It took a while for Alison to speak.
Alison said, "So this is going to be your attitude. Just when things are working perfectly, you had to place another curse upon me."
Catherine said, "I never placed a curse on you. What happened at the nightclub was your own damn fault."
Alison punched Catherine harshly. Catherine fell to the floor with a loud thud. Alison kicked Catherine violently until tomboyish pixie gamine girl started crying. Alison stopped and helped Catherine to her feet. Alison was suddenly apologetic.
Alison said, "Look, I hate doing this to you, but you make me so angry sometimes. If you tried to behave more appropriately, I won't have to punish you like this. No hard feelings."
Catherine said between tears, "I never placed a curse on you. It wasn't either intentional or unintentional. Nobody has a good day everyday."
Alison punched Catherine violently until Catherine's crying became more severe.
Alison hissed, "Don't you dare talk to me like that. I took poor white trash and I made a respectable lady out of her. I could toss you into the trash can just as surely as I could pull you out of the trash can."
Catherine lied between crying and tears, "Maybe I placed an unintentional curse. It might be another multiple personality nervous breakdown."
Alison punched Catherine violently several more times. Alison shoved Catherine against the kitchen wall. Alison looked at Catherine violently.
Alison hissed, "Why do you always conspire against me. I'm always generous and this is the thanks I get. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why? Tell me why?"
Catherine lied between crying and tears, "I don't know. I'm rude and ungrateful. I'm sorry."
Alison hissed, "Sorry doesn't even begin to cover what you've done to me. I'll toss you back into the lunatic asylum if you mess with me again. Next time, I'll toss you into the lunatic asylum and I'll never pull you out again. Just who do you think you are?"
Alison turned around to notice Motorcycle Kate Taylor standing behind her. Alison turned around to face Motorcycle Kate.
Alison said to Motorcycle Kate, "It's not what it looks like. Catherine and I are having a conversation. I can't help myself sometimes. Catherine makes me so angry and I need to punish her. Do you want some breakfast? Catherine will make some breakfast." Alison faced Catherine and hissed, "Stop crying like a sissy and make breakfast for Katherine."
Catherine said between crying and tears, "I'm sorry."
Alison said, "You better be sorry. Stop being a sissy and make breakfast for Katherine. You should've had something prepared by now. You really are a disappointment this morning." Alison sat down and added, "Well?"
Catherine said, "I'm sorry. I should've made coffee for you by now also."
Alison slapped Catherine and yelled, "What the hell are you doing to me? Go on! Move!"
Catherine started cooking breakfast and making a pot of coffee. Alison and Motorcycle Kate sat down at the kitchen table. Alison buried her face in her hands with frustration.
Motorcycle Kate asked, "You're being a bit harsh to Catherine this morning."
Alison said, "It's Catherine's fault. She messed up again."
Catherine said, "Alison and I got drunk at Idiot Boy Cappuccino Cafe last night. A dude that Alison was flirting with wasn't returning her affection."
Motorcycle Kate asked, "You were beating up poor Catherine over that single issue."
Alison replied, "I've always been accustomed to getting anything I desire."
Catherine said, "Alison can be a spoiled brat sometimes."
Alison slammed both of her fists on the table. Catherine quickly recoiled to the corner in the farthest part of the kitchen. Alison sat down. Catherine returned to the stove. Alison quickly stood up and punched Catherine twice. Alison sat back down.
Alison said, "Look, I'm only doing this for my own good. When you see me flirting with a dude, you don't curse me. Don't do it willingly. Don't suffer a nervous breakdown and have one of your screwed up multiple personalities do it. Don't ever mess with me again."
Catherine fixed three mugs of coffee with sugar and cream. She kept one mug for herself. She gave one mug of coffee to Alison and a third to Motorcycle Kate. Alison took a sip. Alison looked at Catherine with a sour expression on her face.
Alison said, "Congratulations Bekah Cathy, you actually did something right. Maybe there is hope for a loser like yourself."
Motorcycle Kate said, "Stop picking on her."
Alison said, "I was this close to getting a date from this dude. Catherine placed a curse and it fell apart. The dude's girlfriend picked the wrong time to arrive. I'll bet Cathy made a few cellular phone calls as well as place a curse."
Catherine said between tears, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again."
Alison said, "Damn right it won't happen again. What the hell happened? You were making good progress. Maybe I need to get you a better psychiatrist."
Catherine said between tears, "I didn't telephone the dude's girlfriend. Maybe I had a breakdown and a multiple personality I didn't know about place a curse."
Alison got up and punched Catherine until she sat down on the floor and wailed. She refused to stand up as she cried intensely.
Alison hissed, "Shut up and cook the food. I'll make you regret the day you were born if the breakfast burns again."
Catherine said between tears, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. Please don't hurt me."
Alison shouted, "Goddamn it, stand up and act like a goddamn grownup."
Catherine reluctantly stood up. She returned to the stove. Alison sat back down.
Motorcycle Kate faced Alison and said, "Is this the wrong time to ask for a raise in my allowance?"
Alison faced Motorcycle Kate and said, "I'll raise you one extra dollar if you try to practice the violin a little bit more."
Motorcycle Kate said, "I think I could manage that."
Poetic entered the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table.
Poetic faced Alison and said, "If you're going to launch another unprovoked physical attack against poor Catherine, try to be a bit more quiet."
Alison faced Poetic and replied, "I'll do what I want and you'll do nothing about it." Alison faced Catherine and said, "Hey, stop day dreaming and fix a mug of coffee for Poetic. You should've had this done by now."
Poetic asked, "What the hell happened to my taxi cab. It was damaged in that car wreck in China and it vanished without a trace."
Alison was puzzled as she asked, "Pardon?"
Poetic said, "Don't force me to describe the incident again." Catherine placed a mug of coffee in front of Poetic. Poetic said to Catherine, "Thanks." Poetic said to Alison, "Psychedelic and I were driving your Mom, Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Senior, to the hospital because she was in labor. She had extra-marital sexual intercourse with Greigory Republika. Greigory Republika was already married to Hannah Krashmunda. He's also Arzul and Yulia Kavak's uncle. Anyway, your Mom gave birth to your sister Dashboard Taylor inside the taxicab, which explains the bizarre name given to the girl. The Living Dead Phantom Riders tried to run my taxicab off the road. Your goddamn Mom was still giving birth with bullets flying past and kamikaze motorcycles crashing into the side. My taxicab went flying through half of a Chinese gas station and thankfully didn't blow anything up. Anyway, what happened to my taxicab? Is it being repaired in China? Is it being repaired in America? Is it being repaired at all?"
Alison replied, "My Dad arranged to have your taxi cab fixed in America. It's nearly complete. I need to telephone him about the details."
Poetic said, "My taxi cab have been in the goddamn repair shop for the past two years. How long does it take to fix bullet holes, dents and broken windows!"
Alison said, "You'll get your taxi cab back. The car repair shop wanted the taxi cab to be as good as new."
Poetic said, "Why don't you have Senator Mason Silk buy me a brand new taxi cab. He has enough money to afford the necessary expenses."
Alison said, "That won't be necessary. Your taxi cab will be released from the car repair shop eventually."
Poetic said, "Two years is much too long to wait for a goddamn car repair."
Catherine said, "Breakfast is ready."
Alison replied, "It's about time. What took you so long."
Catherine said, "You're welcome Alice."
Alison slapped Catherine in the face. Alison said, "Just serve the food goddamn it."
Alison sat down. Vanessa Wheel entered the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table. She was drinking a bottle of vodka. She said, "You should wait for me to be outside the apartment before you slap my daughter around."
Alison faced Vanessa and said, "It's only six o'clock in the morning. It's too early in the morning to be drunk."
Vanessa faced Alison and said, "Watching you hit my daughter drives me to drink further."
Alison said, "Oh wow, everything is my fault. I'm so glad to know that. Catherine have cooked actual food if you're interested."
Poetic said, "What about my taxi cab."
Psychedelic entered the kitchen and sat down at the kitchen table. Overhearing the conversation, Psychedelic said, "We'll never get that goddamn taxi cab back."
Poetic said, "That's not fair. How am I going to earn an income."
Psychedelic said, "We could always borrow money again."
Vanessa faced Alison and said, "What happened to you Alison? You've turned into an ice princess. Well, you've always been an ice princess. But you've been punching around my daughter for the past two weeks."
Alison faced Vanessa and said, "You're the idiot who couldn't raise a decent daughter. Catherine messes up and you're too drunk to notice or care. It's up to me to punish and discipline because you can't bother to make the effort. Look, I'm not going to argue with you. Just shut your goddamn mouth and drink another bottle of vodka."
Vanessa shrugged and exited the kitchen. Alison stood up. Both hands were on her hips.
Alison continued, "The great invincible Vanessa Wheel have spoken. Let's all bow to her brilliant intelligence." Alison punched Catherine in the face. Alison said, "That's for your failure to keep your goddamn mother out of my way."
Catherine said, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
Alison said, "Of course it will happen again. You're stupid and you never learn. Just grab yourself a plate and sit down."
Catherine said, "I don't deserve to eat."
Alison punched Catherine several times and said, "Shut up and eat goddamn it. I'm not going to have a stupid anorexic freak to worry about."
Vanessa reentered the kitchen and said, "Stop abusing my daughter."
Alison said, "Shut up and drink another bottle of vodka. I'm tired of talking to you. Just turn around and walk away."
Vanessa exited the kitchen. Alison punched Catherine and sat back down.
Alison faced Catherine and said, "You're goddamn mother is too arrogant for her own good."
Vi entered the kitchen and sat down. Catherine served breakfast to Vi, Poetic and Psychedelic. Catherine served herself some breakfast and sat down opposite from Alison. Alison pounded the breakfast table with her fist. Catherine was clearing away her tears as she changed seats and sat down next to Alison.
Vi said, "I heard Alison shouting at Catherine and Vanessa again. It must be breakfast again. What did I miss?"
Poetic said, "You've missed the chance to ride in my taxi cab again."
Alison faced Poetic and said, "You'll get your taxi cab fixed. It's going to take a little bit more time. Be patient."
Psychedelic faced Poetic and said, "You're going to get one of those James Bond Swiss army knife gadget automobiles. The taxi cab will have flame throwers, machine guns, tire shredding knives hidden in the hubcaps, remote control and six beverage cup holders."
Poetic faced Psychedelic and asked, "What am I going to do with six beverage cup holders?"
Vi asked, "Is Vanessa and Bridget eating in the living room again?"
Alison said, "I don't know what's going on with those two women."
Vi asked, "Should I deliver breakfast to Vanessa."
Alison said, "Vanessa isn't going to eat in the living room anymore. She's going to eat with the rest of the group or she's going to starve. It's time for Vanessa to grow up."
Catherine started to say something, but she stopped herself.
Alison faced Catherine and said, "It's nice to know that you're learning. It's about time you used your goddamn brain."
Regina Jager staggered into the condominium. Her clothes were covered with mud and her hair was a mess. Vanessa reentered the kitchen.
Vanessa asked, "What happened?"
Regina said, "You remember my step-sister Cynthia Currie."
Catherine said, "I'm trying to forget that Cynthia Currie ever existed. Anyway, go ahead."
Regina said, "Cynthia Currie tried to assist Doctor Dream, Mistress Dream and Lord Valium to take over the the Ceremony of the Fallen Autumn Leaves. It was a hell of a fight. Cynthia escaped of course. I think I finally killed Doctor Dream. It's done. He's finally done away with. I'm so excited. Never interrupt the Ceremony of the Fallen Autumn Leaves when the Twenty Inuit Gods of the Juneau, Alaska are visiting. Doctor Dream failed to take that into account."
Alison said, "Deborah Stanley will be furious that you battled against Doctor Dream without her."
Regina said, "Yeah, I know. Doctor Dream is Deborah Stanley's sworn archenemy. Deborah will survive. Is breakfast ready?"
Vi asked, "What are the Twenty Inuit Gods of Juneau, Alaska doing in Seattle, Washington."
Regina said, "Doctor Dream stole the Polar Blade from an Inuit tribe."
Poetic said, "That's the first time Doctor Dream messed around with Inuit tribes. He usually sticks to European Euro trash conspiracies."
Regina said, "Doctor Dream wanted to try out new experiences. Anyway, he's dead. I'm happy for small miracles." Regina fixed herself breakfast. She sat down on the kitchen table. Vanessa continued to stand nearby the doorway. Regina continued, "I decided to celebrate my solo victory. I got drunk at Idiot Boy Cappuccino Cafe. This guy walked up to me. He was dressed in a military uniform. He was telling me that he was going to be shipped off to Afghanistan, but he can't do so until I agree to go out with him. This poor military private couldn't fight for freedom and democracy until my feud against him is over. I told him that I never saw his sorry ass before in my life. I told him that even if I did know him, I would never engage in a decade long feud against him. I would've kicked his sorry revolting ass within two minutes and be done with it. He ignored me and started to play with my hair while he continued to cry. He gave me this depressing guilt trips. The poor man can't fly to Afghanistan to fight the Arabs until I forgive his transgressions. The idiot was crying buckets. I punched him. He punched me. I broke his arm. He ran away. I got drunk. I'm still drunk."
Psychedelic faced Poetic and said, "I found out something about the mechanic. You know, the dude who is
CHAPTER ONE
DOES PINK MAKE YOU WANT TO PUKE
"I must apologize to Amanda." It was the only sentence that Serge Reman would utter. He would say that sentence non-stop for thirty minutes. He barely paused for a breath. He uttered those words as if it were a religion. "I must apologize to Amanda."
Yeah, Serge Reman was utterly mad. However, there was another reason. He accused his girlfriend, Amanda Vassallo, of poisoning him. He hideously tortured her until she made a phony accusation. Then he submerged her in hot tar borrowed from the driveway repaving company he once worked for. He poured the girl onto the driveway of her parent's house. He still saw the ghost of his murdered girlfriend mocking him.
Serge screamed louder, "I must apologize to Amanda."
He wanted to attack the ghost. However, he was handcuffed to the chair. It was a very sturdy chair. Yeah, he surrendered to the cops. They didn't know who he was. He could've escaped justice. However, he was dying. He only had two hours to live. Even if he did escape, there was nowhere to run to. He'll be dead anyway. Besides, confession is good for the soul---even if you're going to hell.
******
Asian-American Police Detective Kao Zang looked at Caucasian Police Detective Tommy Canfield. Kao and Tommy were looking at Serge from a one-way window at the Seattle Metropolitan Police Department. Police Inspector Frida Deck's office was only a few feet away. Serge was unable to see or hear the conversion that occurred from the other side of the one-way window.
Tommy asked, "Why do we always get the lunatics. Just once, I'd like to encounter a criminal who actually made sense."
Kao said, "Don't look at me. Police Inspector Deck is on a mission. Don't be so worried. I can't imagine anything weird happening in the next two hours."
******
Serge Reman looked at the mirror. He never realized that there was somebody on the other side. Serge looked at Amanda's ghost and continued, "I needed to murder you. I needed to murder everybody I was emotionally close to. Sally Edwards used to be my girlfriend. I used a nail gun to attach Sally Edwards to a plank of wood. I fed the girl and the plank of wood she was attached to into a wood chipper. She was still alive when I did it. It was messy. I cried. There was cardboard. The cardboard was talking to me. The cardboard was singing a song. It was a pretty song. The cardboard needed to be recycled. Recycled cardboard would take my mind off of the poison that will kill me in two hours. Recycled cardboard would take my mind off of the people I've murdered. Every trace of cardboard both needed and unneeded was taken to the recycled bin. Then I found a damaged Playboy Magazine issue. Sally Edwards read Playboy Magazine. I took the Playboy Magazine issue to the store to demand a refund. The storeowner refused my request so I strangled him. I took ten dollars out of the cash register. I wanted to use the ten dollars to purchase something. I couldn't find anything in the gas station that was worth purchasing. So I walked to the manager’s office. I sat in the manager’s office of the gas station for thirty minutes. Nobody arrived to tell me that more stuff was being delivered. I needed to punish more of my friends because they poisoned me. I was a conspiracy. Everybody I knew wanted to poison me. I showed them. I killed them. Now I'm on top. I'm the winner. I'm sorry Amanda. I must apologize to Amanda. Accept my apology Amanda."
Amanda's ghost didn't say anything.
Serge screamed out, "Go to hell Amanda! I won't apologize to you anymore!"
Serge Reman started to jump around and scream incoherently. It took ten police officers to restrain the brute. Tommy Canfield looked at Kao Zang as he handcuffed Serge Reman to his chair. Kao shrugged his shoulders. Both men exited the interrogation room. Serge was still screaming at Amanda's ghost as the door was locked behind them.
******
There was a Homeless Vagrant aimlessly wandering around the parking lot of Wall Mart for the past years. In general, the Homeless Vagrant was a total irritation. However, the management and employees of Wall Mart have been so frightened of the Homeless Vagrant, that it was often the work of vigilantes to chase him away. Now the Homeless Vagrant is back. Taj Raden wasn't very pleased. It was early morning and she's trying to reach her car after shopping for groceries with Kristi Kristos. Taj Raden was a Middle Eastern girl---A mixture of Indian and Bangladesh decent. Kristi was a Caucasian mixture of British and Greek national decent.
Kristi said, "What do you mean that every tomato served in Seattle, Washington have been poisoned and can't be sold. Does that include Ketchup and barbecue sauce."
Taj replied, "I guess that would be correct."
Kristi replied, "How could I be a proper vegetarian without tomatoes."
Taj rolled her eyes with exasperation. She said, "Barbecue sauce was the only form of tomato you've ever had the courage to eat anyway. You have tomatoes about as much as you hate split pea soup."
Kristi said, "That may be so, but I'd like to keep my options open." The Homeless Vagrant walked behind the girl. Kristi continued, "Oh Goddess, not again."
The Homeless Vagrant asked, "Are you serious. I heard you wrecked a car. Are you serious? I'm asking you a question. Good grief, you're angry. I could tell. You're crazy and angry. I only want to know the answer to my question. Are you serious."
Kristi said, "Go away you pervert. I understand that you hate me. I hate you too. Do us both a favor and get lost."
Taj said, "Don't provoke that jerk. He'll only make a further pest of himself."
The Homeless Vagrant turned to Taj and said, "Your friend wrecked a car. Good going lady, you wrecked a car too. We have two wrecked cars. How did you do it? Did you think you could get away with the wrecked car? I didn't think so. Are you serious? Everything you say is idiotic. Everything you do causes pain and misery. Are you serious."
Taj grabbed the Homeless Vagrant by the throat and shoved him halfway through the windshield of a nearby car. Taj hissed, "Listen to me asshole. I don't know what your fucking problem is, but I don't want you aimlessly wandering around this parking lot again. This is your last warning."
Kristi said, "Great work Taj, that will show that jerk who is boss around here."
Taj released her grip. The Homeless Vagrant climbed off the car and backed away with a violent expression on his face. The Homeless Vagrant cried out, "You both are crazy. You both are evil. I must fight against you both and destroy utterly. You both wrecked cars. You both claim to be serious, but you're not. The storm of revenge shall be upon you both!"
Kristi shoved the Homeless Vagrant to the parking lot. She held the Homeless Vagrant with her foot while Taj placed the groceries in the trunk. Kristi released her foot.
Kristi looked at the Homeless Vagrant and said, "Don't you dare bother us again."
Kristi entered the passenger side. Taj entered the driver’s side. The car drove off. The Homeless Vagrant tried to chase after the car by foot, but a Praying Mantis Demon attacked him. Taj and Kristi didn't see the Praying Mantis Demon eating the Homeless Vagrant as the car exited the parking lot.
******
Hardly anybody visited Robert Soliloquey Senior when he was in a coma. Robert Soliloquey Junior paid one visit at first, but stopped. Colonel Reginald Wolf and his wife Millicent Peacock felt it was necessary to visit once a week. Alison Taylor and Catherine Wheel would pay a visit once a month just to warn Robert Soliloquey Senior never to wake up. Most of the time, Robert Soliloquy Senior was alone. Clearly, he must've been married. Otherwise, he wouldn't have a estranged son. However, nobody knew whom he was married to or how to track the lady down.
Tonight was one of those nights when Robert Soliloquy Senior was alone. If he was awake, he wouldn't remembered that Robert Soliloquey Junior ordered his girlfriend Cynthia Currie to cripple him so badly, that he fell into a coma. Robert Soliloquey Junior felt that Colonel Reginald Wolf should've been in charge of Mettleshop Assault Squad Number Twelve. There were twenty separate assault squads within the Metalshop Crime Cartel. Robert Soliloquey Junior felt that his dad was in the way.
Cynthia Currie. Oh yeah, she never paid a visit. Either she was too guilty or she was too arrogant. Cynthia Currie holding a lead pipe above his head was the first thing that entered Robert Soliloquey Senior's head when he finally woke up. Nurses flooded the room and took his vitals. There was confusion. How long was he in a coma. Where is Cynthia Currie? He desired only revenge. There were too many questions. There weren’t any answers.
A representative from the Metalshop Crime Cartel arrived after the doctors and the nurses finished their medical examinations.
Robert Soliloquey Senior asked, "What's going on? Where is Cynthia Currie?"
Metalshop Businessman #1 said, "It's difficult to say. Some sources claim that she's stuck on the planet Neptune."
Metalshop Businessman #2 said, "Too much stuff has happened while you were in a coma. I don't know where to begin."
Metalshop Businessman #1 said, "Colonel Reginald Wolf, Doctor Millicent Peacock and your son are also stuck on the planet Neptune."
Robert Soliloquey Senior said, "Robert Soliloquey Junior isn't my son anymore. He stopped being my child when he ordered that whore of a girlfriend to attack me. Let me know when Cynthia Currie returns to Seattle. I have some unfinished business with my future daughter-in-law."
Robert Soliloquey Senior ate his dinner from the standard hospital tray while both Metalshop Crime Cartel Businessmen exited his hospital room.
******
Craig Dunning said, “There’s too much information for us to file and sort before the girls arrived. The information we need to file and sort has been doubled after the women arrival. I can’t cope with the information overload. Do you know how many loyal Pittsburgh Trade Federation employees have died when Anne Laquement and Scorpion joined our firm? The two girls claim to be loyal, but I don’t trust either of them. Scorpion’s claim to have betrayed the Metalshop was too abrupt.”
Craig Dunning was in Lord Claudius Northshire’s office in the Pittsburgh Trade Federation office in Seattle, Washington. Lord Claudius Northshire was crippled from the waist down and was confined to a wheel chair. Lord Claudius Northshire’s wheelchair was parked in front of an expensive oak desk. Craig Dunning was seated on a chair across from the expensive oak desk.
Lord Northshire said, “I can’t do anything about the information overload. There are two reasons for the overload. The first was your inability to hire enough people to stalk and keep track of Anne Laquement and Scorpion. You know the women’s personality and lifestyle habits, yet you’re always in a state of shock and surprise. The second is your inability to file and sort the most basic information for the first two months of the stalking operation. It’s no wonder you’re experiencing a backlog. It’s not Anne Laquement and Scorpion’s fault that you’re lazy.”
There was the sound of a female clearing her throat loudly. Lord Northshire and Craig Dunning turned around. Anne Laquement and Scorpion have entered the room and were standing behind the two guys.
Lord Northshire said, "Yeah, Craig and I were talking about the two of you girls."
Anne faced Lord Northshire and said, "Yeah, I've noticed." Anne lovingly kissed Lord Northshire before adding, "How are you doing?"
Lord Northshire replied, "I'm feeling better now that you arrived."
Anne faced Lord Northshire and said, "I'm glad to be here too." Anne faced Craig and asked, "Is there anything you want to say to my face?"
Craig faced Anne and said, "I don't trust you." He faced Anne and Scorpion and added, "I don't trust either of you girls. You claim to be on our side. You go on missions on our behalf. All of your Pittsburgh Trade Federation missions end in failure with maximum employee fatalities. The objects you were ordered to retrieve turned out to be phonies. The real objects always end up in the possession of your alleged former employer Senator Mason Silk. The Pittsburgh Trade Federation employees and supporters that you were supposed to protect always die or get captured by the Metalshop. Only an idiot would be convinced of your loyalties. I'm going to hold a special Pittsburgh Trade Federation Board of Directors meeting about your incompetence. I'm going to accuse you of treason. You have four days to prove your case. If you fail to appear before the Pittsburgh Trade Federation Board of Directors on Friday afternoon at 2:15 P.M., then you'll be found guilty in your absence. I'm I making myself clear."
Scorpion said, "I'm sorry that Anne and I have been having a hard week. If we could talk about it over cappuccino, we could...."
Craig interrupted Scorpion and said, "Don't try to seduce me! It won't work. I'm sick and tired of you two girls already."
Craig Dunning stormed out of Lord Northshire's office in anger. The door slammed behind him.
Scorpion said, "Maybe I could fake my betrayal and death so Craig could have a fake sense of macho superiority."
Anne replied, "Forget about it. It won't work. We might have to murder Craig before the Pittsburgh Trade Federation Board of Directors meeting."
Lord Northshire said, "Not another unexplained death. I'm going to get fired if I keep covering up all of these unexplained murders. I shouldn't be helping you girls at all."
Anne lovingly kissed Lord Northshire. She kissed him three more times. The girl said with a sweet smile, "You're different from Craig. You're cool. You're easy to get along with."
Lord Northshire said, "I'm also heterosexual."
Scorpion said, "I already researched Craig Dunning for weaknesses. He's heterosexual. If he were gay, it wouldn't matter. Alison Taylor and Catherine Wheel are friends with enough gay guys to compensate. Sex appeal isn't going to work with Craig Dunning. Bribery won't work with Craig Dunning. Craig Dunning doesn't have any friends. Without friends, there won't be anybody to kidnap and hold for ransom. He's divorced and hates his ex-wife. He hates his estranged children. He's honest and he hates the Metalshop. We got problems."
Anne said, "Oh God, I hate running into brick walls. Research the ex-wife and children anyway. Maybe we could find a girl to act like Craig Dunning's ex-wife in her prime. It's an act of futility, but it's better than nothing."
Lord Northshire said, "Is there an escape plan for the three of us if this doesn't work. I'm screwed if Craig Dunning gets you two girls fired. I placed too much at risk in return for a few vague promises."
Anne lovingly kissed Lord Northshire and said, "You'll get the rewards that you deserve." She produced a sweet smile before she poured herself a glass of Champaign.
******
It was an abandoned oil tanker. The boat doesn't carry oil anymore. She didn't know how her brother purchased the ocean vessel. She never asked much questions. Kira Foxtrot Gannon avoided the sunlight as she was escorted to the darker portions of the oil tanker. Billy Justice was waiting for her. Armed thugs surrounded Billy. He wore a conservative business suit with his trademark tie-dye psychedelic necktie. It was never known if Billy was a white supremist pretending to be a hippie or vice versa. Kira sat down across from her Billy.
Billy said, "We all have sins that we have to confess. Heck, I'm not perfect either. However, it takes a better person to confess to those sins. I understand that we both have grievances. Those grievances will weigh down upon us both until those issues are resolved."
Kira said, "You're becoming born again Christian on me? What a shame. I waited like you wanted me to do. Why? So you could convert to Jesus Christ. I was born half demon. I could never accept Jesus Christ. It’s hard to believe in Jesus Christ when devout Christians are holding a deathwatch expecting you to die any second. It ruins my mood for Christian charity."
Billy said, "There's nothing you could do about being born half human. We all have disappointments the atone for."
Kira said, "I had to keep myself hidden because being born pure demon makes you better than me."
"There you go again. You're putting words in my mouth. We all have grievances that weigh down upon us. I want to murder Deborah Stanley, Susan Stanley and Zoe Stanley for something they did against me in 1968. Then I learned that Deborah Stanley, Susan Stanley and Zoe Stanley are the daughters of Shan Daun the Eternal and his wife Elektra."
"I heard about Shan Daun, the Eternal. His real name is Shane Donald. He's a gangster with connections with the supernatural."
"That's about right. Anyway, I'm going to make an ultimatum. I want Shan Daun to murder every single one of his daughters before the end of the week. I'll bet you all the horseshoes of Texas that he's going to do exactly that."
"How can you be so certain?"
"I'm about as certain about that as the other demand I'm going to make. Senator Mason Silk will make a televised address stating that you're his biologic daughter. He will further state that your mother Carolyn Johnns-Gannon was his one true loves the entire time. I'm also certain that Senator Mason Silk will tell the televised audience that he's going to disinherit all his other daughters and their mothers effective immediately."
"That's an audacious claim. How can you be certain that anything of the sort will be accomplished?"
"Because we're going to flood Seattle, Washington under eight miles of water if our demands isn't fulfilled before the end of the week. I know you're skeptical. Heck, I wasn't sure I was going to pull it off either. I once worked as a cattle rancher for a Sioux Indian cattle rancher. He was pure demon. That Sioux Indian was about as nice as Sioux Indians can be. He taught me about the Great Indian Spirit and elemental sorcery. I'm pretty certain that we could bring about the flood."
Kira Foxtrot Gannon started to smile. She asked, "That's why we're hiding in this oil tanker. We'll float above Seattle, Washington while all those innocent people die."
Billy replied, "Those people are no longer innocent if they elected Senator Mason Silk into office. The citizen of Seattle, Washington has become our mortal foe. Besides, anybody born in the north is responsible for the War of Northern Aggression. We can't allow that to remain unchecked."
******
It looked like something out of a horror movie. Police Inspector Frida Deck, Police Detective Karla Shepherd and Police Detective Zinnie Lang walked through the crime scene. Half a dozen police officers were analyzing the crime scene. All three women and the police officers were wearing biohazard suits. It was a three-bedroom condominium. The dead body of the wife, Lucy Hanover, was dead between the kitchen and the dinning room. She was stabbed with the kitchen knife several times in the back. She died face down. The dead body of the husband, Andrew Hanover, was fully clothed and drowned in the bathtub. The dead body of the teenage son, Tim Hanover, was blown up with a bomb and took the entire second floor of the condominium with him. The teenage daughter, Melinda Hanover, was the next to die. A slimy bright green demon slug was eating her left leg. She became infected with a brand new strain of leprosy that deforms the corpse and turns it bright green. The entire condominium became infected with the unknown disease when Melinda Hanover died. Belinda Webb was the last to die. Belinda Webb's dead body was a few feet away. She was stripped naked and raped. She was covered in wallpaper glue and rolled around in crushed soda pop cans. The killer waited for the glue to dry. He covered Belinda's dead body in wallpaper glue again and rolled her up in wallpaper. The killer added insult to injury by using Super Glue to glue Belinda's lips to a Barbie doll. He held the girl down until the glue dried. The killer finally murdered Belinda with a nail gun.
Police Detective Lang asked, "God, this is gross. Yuck. Who would do a thing like this?"
Police Inspector Deck said, "The Hanover family were part of a close knit social clique that was exceedingly snobby. There were way too many paranoia, back stabbing politics, conspiracies and counter conspiracies. This snobby social clique used to be the board of directors of Hanover Banking Incorporated."
Police Detective Lang asked, "What do you mean used to be the Board of Directors of Hanover Banking Incorporated. I would believe that Lucy Hanover and Andrew Hanover won't be showing up for work anymore, but there has to be others."
Police Inspector Deck said, "Everybody in the snobby social clique died in senseless murders except for Serge Remen. Serge Remen is either the prime suspect or the next to be attacked."
SEVEN
It’s 9:00 in the morning. Dana woke up. Her spine was overwhelmed with pain. The girl was dressed only in her nightgown. She slept next to Roger Myers. Roger was still fast asleep in his dark blue pajamas. The girl slowly crawled out of bed.
She was careful not to wake up Roger. She walked across the bedroom to the bathroom. She closed the door and turned on the light. She opened the medicine cabinet. She opened up a medicine bottle and tossed two tablets of prescription pain killer tablets into her palm. She drank down the painkiller with a bottle of whiskey. Dana’s spine felt better. The girl turned off the light. She returned to bed and lay down next to Roger. Roger was still asleep. Dana’s attempt to fall asleep was a bit more successful.
The telephone rang. Dana groaned as she crawled out of Roger’s grasp and out of bed. She was already missing his gentle caressing hugs. She walked towards the telephone. The telephone continued to ring relentlessly.
Dana said, “Alright already, I’m coming. Jesus Fucking Christ.”
Dana picked up the telephone. Dwight Ambrose’s voice was heard on the other side of the telephone line. Dana’s face registered erotic anger. She hooked up her telephone so it could be used to tape record telephone calls. She turned on the tape recorder portion of the telephone.
Dwight said into the telephone, “I want to tell you a bedtime story.”
Dana said into the telephone, “What type of bedtime story do you want to tell me? Are you going to make death erotic and sexual? Are you going to sexual intercourse deadly?”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I wanted my bedtime story to combine both.”
Dana said into the telephone, “I filed a restraining order against you. That restraining order also includes telephone calls. I’m tape recording this telephone call. This tape recording would be used against you in a court of law.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “You’re in no position to issue demands. I never killed you because I’m still hoping you’ll go out on a date with me.”
Dana’s face registered erotic sexuality and furious anger. She said into the telephone, “Just tell me your bedtime story and get off the phone. I need to get some sleep.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I murdered Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn. I never killed anybody before. My hands are shaking. It was an unprovoked act of first degree manslaughter.”
Dana’s face registered erotic sexuality and furious anger. She said into the telephone, “Are you a fucking idiot? I told you this telephone call is being tape recorded.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I murdered a woman and a man. I crossed over to a new stage of my existence. Becoming a murderer is an evolution I must endure.”
Dana said into the telephone, “You don’t need to evolve into a murderer.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “It’s too late. I cracked up. I’m falling apart. It’s your fault that I’m losing my sanity. You wouldn’t go out with me on a date. Do you want to hear my bedtime story?”
Dana’s face registered errotic sexuality and furious anger. She said into the telephone, “Don’t blame me for your actions. Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn doesn’t need to die.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I’m in love with you. Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn was getting in the way.”
Dana said into the telephone, “Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn didn’t even know you.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I’m aware of the patterns under the surface.”
Dana said into the telephone, “There isn’t a complicated conspiracy against you.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “You used to be sexually open. You used to be filled with sexual adventure. You have closed yourself off with anger. Nobody could move forwerd while you remain sexually frosty.”
Dana said into the telephone, “Hey, I have a boyfriend. You’re the dude stuck without a romantic date for tonight. Could you offer any examples why I’m sexually frosty.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “You never carry around a book of matches.”
Dana said into the telephone, “I have three responses to that statement. Number one, I don’t smoke cigarettes. Number two, nobody carries books of matches anymore. Number three, my refusal to smoke cigarettes isn’t a proper example of sexual frostiness. Why are we arguing on the telephone. Why don’t you annoy Valerie and leave me alone. A girl knows when a man isn’t looking at her breasts instead of her eyes. You’re a pervert. You never look at me eye to eye. Your gaze always leads directly towards my breasts.”
Dwight asked into the telephone, “Are you going to file a sexual harassment complaint?”
Dana said into the telephone, “We’re living in a sexist world. Nobody will pay attention to my sexual harassment complaints. I’ll take the law into my hands if it’s necessary.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “You can’t do that! Taking the law into your hands against sexual harassment isn’t ladylike.”
Dana said into the telephone, “Standing around and doing nothing isn’t ladylike either.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “Standing around and doing nothing might keep you alive a little bit longer.”
Dana said into the telephone, “You have my unlisted telephone number. It’s too late for me to remain passive. What do you want me to do?”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I can’t tell you what you’re supposed to do.”
Dana asked into the telephone, “Why not?”
Dwight said into the telephone, “It’s a secret. You’ll know your mission in my master plan when you discover it. Don’t worry, you’ll enjoy it. It’ll be fun.”
Dana said into the telephone, “That’s so irritating and vague. Get off the telephone.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “I won’t get off the telephone. I need to explain to you why it’s necessary for me to stalk Valerie for twenty years.”
Dana said into the telephone, “I hate you! You’re a sick pervert who glares at my breasts. You’re explanations doesn’t interest me. You’re the inspiration for bad movies that I’d rather avoid. Oh fuck, that’s a pretty lame insult.”
Dwight said into the telephone, ”Valerie bombarded me with insults that were lamer.”
Dana said into the telephone, “Valerie is insulted by your refusal to leave her life.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “Valerie has very thin skin. Anything insults her.”
Dana said into the telephone, “That’s not true. Valerie is a nice girl. You’re too busy making her appear to be evil. You never notice her positive personality traits.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “Having positive personality traits isn’t going to save anybody accused of villainy. What happens when you wake up, but you’re still dreaming. You’re liking your lips constantly. Some men would view that behavior as sexually harassing.”
Dana said into the telephone, “I have a cold sore on my upper and lower lips. Cold sore medication is useless when it’s located nearby so much saliva. So I keep the cold sore moist.”
Dwight said into the telephone, “Go ahead and use your cold sore as an excuse to sexually harass men. You’re awake, but you’re still dreaming. Are you on drugs. Are you selling drugs. Take a few minutes to figure that out. I’ll telephone you again when I’m in the mood.”
Dwight hung up the telephone. Dana frowned as she hung up the telephone. Dana walked across the bedroom. She walked down a small way that connected the bedroom to the living room. She turned on the television set. She fixed herself coffee as she waited for an image to appear on the television.
The Today Show was on the television. She took a sip of coffee. Heather Mansfield and Jon Kenton walked through the front door.
Said Dana, “Sorry about my appearance. I just woke up. I didn’t have a chance to shower and dress myself. I thought you were going to spend the morning at the Kenton house.”
Said Heather, “Everybody in the Kenton residence may show up here in a few minutes.”
Said Dana, “Everybody in the whole world would see Roger and I in our pajamas?”
Said Jon, “Nope! Only six people living in the Kenton household would see Roger and you in your pajamas. You’ve been duly warned.”
Asked Heather, “Do you have anything in the fridge?”
Roger entered the room. Dana asked, “Didn’t you eat at the Kenton houshold?”
Said Heather, “You normally make waffles in the morning. I love eating your waffles.”
Said Roger, “Hello Heather, nobody told me you were going to show up.”
Said Heather, “It’s only a matter of time before Mickey and Valerie shows up. I want to know about that loser that keeps following her around.”
Said Dana, “Dwight Ambrose telephoned me.”
Heather asked, “Dwight didn’t telephone Valerie? Dwight telephoned you? You’re going to make Valerie jealous of you. What did he talk about?”
Said Dana, “Dwight confessed to the murder of Shama and Sumanth. He probably is going to surrender to the police. He finally got off the telephone.”
Roger asked, “Are you feeling alright?”
Dana replied, “I’m feeling fine. Thanks for asking.”
Jon asked, “Is Dwight coming over here?”
Dana replied, “I seriously doubt it.”
Jon replied, “Heather and I are staying just in case. There are safety in numbers.”
Heather said, “Have anybody watched MTV? Have anybody seen the Kittie music video Charlotte? Does anybody understand it?”
Said Dana, “Kittie were insulting a sexist sexually harassing masturbation obsessed grocery store cashier who stood them up. It had something to do with a failed marriage proposal to somebody stuck in minimum wage employment. Apparently, limiting yourself to minimum wage employment and college classes are a sign of chronic laziness. Kittie didn’t have the courage to file a lawsuit.”
Heather replied, “I don’t understand anything you’ve said. Could you possibly come up with something a bit more vague?”
Jon asked, “Do you mind if I help myself to some coffee?”
Replied Roger, “Help yourself.”
******
Chad Ambrose looked at his son Dwight Ambrose. Dwight Ambrose sat down on a coach opposite from his father. Chad took a sip of beer.
Dwight said, “Valerie Wooster hates me. Dana Zevulon hates me. Women in general hates me.”
Chad said, “It’s generally not a good idea to seduce women who already hates you. It’s too much of a challenge. You need to level the odds. Force the girl to fall in love with you. Kill the girl if she never falls in love with you. Send the message that you’re in charge.”
“I can’t do it. I’m too clumsy with women.”
“Are you a man? Will you tolerate abuse from a goddamn girl?”
“I’ve been avoiding Valerie ever since she beat me up. I’ve been trying to avoid her friends too.”
“Valerie already won. You’ll be a failure for the rest of your life.”
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Did you eat any prunes. I won’t call the plumber every time you break the goddamn toilet.”
“I didn’t break the toilet.”
EIGHT
It’s cold outside. It felt like Auttumn. That’s the first thing noticed about High Street in the southern section of the Ohio State University. The second thing was the skeleton of the Gateway Shopping Mall starting to emerge from the uncultivated soil. Massive metal beams were welded together and decorated both sides of High Street. Nothing else was built except for the bare skeleton.
Cindy Donner, Kurt Donner, Dana Zevulon, Roger Myers, Charlene Jaguar, Mark Gletzer, Neve Church, Luke Kenton, Madora Kahn, Canton Guipa, Valerie Wooster, Mickey Zevulon, Martha Atkins, Michael Sexton, Heather Mansfield, Jon Kenton, Michelle Kenton, Larry Burton, Jackie Shafer and Mathew Koberna stood on the left side of High Street. They looked at the bare skeleton of the Gateway Shopping Mall.
Jon said, “I liked it better when it was an undeveloped field. You could play football on it.”
Heather lovingly kissed Jon. She said, “The City Center Mall is only a two miles south on High Street and it’s nearly bankrupt. Does Downtown Columbus, Ohio really needs another shopping mall.”
Jon lovingly kissed Heather. He said, “It’s a bit late to file a protest.”
Michelle said, “Look at it. It’s nearly two stories tall.”
Neve said, “The Gateway Shopping Mall appears to be three stories tall.”
Michelle said, “Are you sure? It appears to be only two stories tall.”
Neve said, “Look Michelle, just because we’re going to be sisters-in-law doesn’t mean that you should fake stupidity. The Gateway Shopping Mall is going to be three stories tall.”
Larry asked, “So there will be stores on the first level. What’s going to be on the other levels.”
Heather said, “There will be additional stores.”
Larry said, “Oh come on, The City Center Mall tried to be a three floor shopping mall on High Street. It failed miserably. Why should the Gateway Shopping Mall succeed.”
Heather said, “There will be plenty of drunk horny college students.”
Dana asked, “The Campus Partners tore down all the alcohol bars in this area just to build the Gateway Shopping Mall. Do you know why? To scare away the drunk horny college students.”
Heather said, “You could be such a depressing girl Dana.”
Roger asked, “Are we going to spend the entire day looking at this contruction site?”
Charlene said, “I just want to know why it was necessary to tear down alcohol bars on both sides of High Street. Couldn’t they tear down the alcohol bars only on the left side?”
Roger said, “The Campus Partners are trying to discourage us from alcoholism and pre-marital sex. We’re supposed to be proper Christian men and women.”
Cindy said, “The Campus Partners obviously failed if you guys are any indication.”
Said Kurt, “You can’t blame the Campus Partners for making the attempt.”
Martha said, “We could take the Columbus Transit Authority bus to the brewery district if we want to get drunk.”
Michael said, “We could grab some bottles of beer from a grocery store and some fast food before crashing in somebody’s appartment.”
Madora said, “I want to get drunk in a bar. What time is it?”
Canton said, “It’s only two o’clock in the afternoon. None of the bars will be open.”
Valerie said, “Fast food is so disgusting.”
Mickey said, “You could always order a salad.”
Valerie said, “I prefer a restaurant with a salad bar. Why did all the fast food restaurants got rid of their salad bars?”
Jackie said, “There’s nothing in the Brewery District in two o’clock in the afternoon except a few law firms and lawyers. Let’s walk north on High Street.”
Valerie said, “A girl can’t live on fast food salads alone. Let’s get Mexican food.”
Said Mathew, “There’s a Taco Bell on the other side of the Gateway Shopping Mall construction site. Taco Bell serves delicious Mexican food.”
Jackie said, “Don’t make me throw up. Taco Bell is nasty.”
Cindy Donner, Kurt Donner, Dana Zevulon, Roger Myers, Charlene Jaguar, Mark Gletzer,
Neve Church, Luke Kenton, Madora Kahn, Canton Guipa, Valerie Wooster, Mickey Zevulon, Martha Atkins, Michael Sexton, Heather Mansfield, Jon Kenton, Michelle Kenton, Larry Burton, Jackie Shafer and Mathew Koberna walked up High Street. The Gateway Shopping Mall construction site was directly behind ten men and ten women group.
Charlene said, “What’s worse than flunking class? Having your parents refuse to pay the tuition, losing college financial aid and needing to find minimum wage employment. Oh my God, heaven forbid I should get my hands dirty with minimum wage employment. My ambition is to skip minimum wage employment and jump directly to the corporate office desk. Or whatever pays two thousand dollars a month. I’m not picky.”
Cindy said, “Working minimum wage labor builds character.”
Charlene said, “Minimum wage labor is the exclusive safe haven for sexual harassing perverts.”
Cindy said, “I’m guessing that you’re stuck in the working poor. You’re in the social-economic class as the minimum wage employees that you despise.”
Charlene said, “I’m stuck in the working poor. My parents are in the middle class.”
Kurt asked, “Have you been to England?”
Charlene said, “I never been to England. Why should you care?”
Valerie said, “You’re insulting the coach Charlene. Be nice.”
Kurt said, “England has a rigid social-economic class structure Charlene. The poor stay poor and never interacts with the middle class and wealthy class. The middle class stays in the middle class and never interacts with the poor and the wealthy class. The wealthy class stays wealthy and never interacts with the poor or the middle class. You’re in the working poor and your parents are in the middle class. What happens when you relocate to England, but your parents remain in America. You’re an impoverished working stiff and your economic troubles never improves. You’re screwed.”
Charlene said, “You’re such a hopeful ray of sunshine Kurt.”
The ten men and ten women group walked past a Male College Student reading a comic book. The Male College Student was walking the opposite direction on the same sidewalk. The Male College Student suddenly ignored is comic book and stared at Martha. Martha noticed the Male College Student with hatred.
Martha said to the Male College Student, “Hey, am I wearing zebra stripes under my shirt? Go back home to the Daily Planet!”
The Male College Student, “You’re not wearing zebra stripes under your shirt.”
Martha flipped the bird at the Male College Student. The Male College Student vanished from sight. Martha sighed with exasperation.
Martha said, “Oh my God, I’m so angry. It’s easy to get rid of sexual harassment in minimum wage employment. It’s impossible to get rid of sexual harassment on the college campus. I need a beer before I hurt somebody.”
Luke asked, “Where is the nearest store that sells beer?”
Neve replied, “United Dairy Farmers is the nearest store that sells beer.”
Luke asked, “There isn’t a closer liquor store.”
Neve said, “The world isn’t going to end because you don’t have a can of beer.”
Luke said, “Beer relaxes me.”
Neve said, “You throw a temper tantrum every time a cash register clerk checks for your identification. You humiliate me and you humiliate your friends. Then you claim that beer is relaxing. Have you wondered why you always end up becoming the designated driver.”
Luke said, “Nobody in this group owns a car.”
Neve said, “We used to before you got drunk and wrecked it. Then you lost your drivers lisence. I’m surprised you could still function as a womanizer without an automobile and a drivers licence.”
Luke said, “Women loves a man with confidence.”
Neve said, “Women doesn’t love a temper tantrum throwing cry baby.”
Luke said, “But you never left me.”
Luke and Neve lovingly kissed.
Neve replied, “All of my friends thinks I’m an idiot.”
Neve and Luke lovingly kissed.
Mickey said, “I don’t mind getting beer from United Dairy Farmers. It’s closer to my house.”
Dana looked at her brother with exasperation. Dana said, “You live in Clintonville and we’re in the Ohio State University district. We still need to use the Columbus Transportation Authority bus. I’m not lugging a twenty-four pack of beer all the way from United Dairy Farmers to your apartment.”
Madora Kahn faced Heather Mansfield and asked, “Is Batman better than Superman?”
Heather replied, “Bruce Wayne have been fired by Wayne Corporation, the Gotham City Police and both versions of Robin three times between 1990 and 2004. Clark Kent have been fired from the Daily Planet, the Metropolis Police Department and Lois Lane only once between 1990 and 2004. It’s my opinion that Superman is better than Batman.”
Madora replied, “Batman has a better colorful action costume.”
Heather said, “Batman doesn’t have any friends. He keeps getting fired.”
Madora said, “A comic book super-hero isn’t supposed to have any friends.”
******
Dwight Ambrose entered the kitchen. He pulled another beer from the fridge. Chad Ambrose followed his son into the kitchen. Chad pulled a beer from the fridge before Dwight closed it.
Dwight said, “If I can’t have sex with Valerie Wooster, then nobody shall have the pleasure. I would rather kill the woman. How do I murder Valerie without getting arrested by the police.”
Chad replied, “First degree murder is easy to commit, but it’s difficult to cover up.”
Dwight said, “Give me some advice.”
Chad said, “I was arrested by the police and locked up in jail. Covering up a crime isn’t my specialty.”
Dwight said, “You’ve been a criminal longer than I’ve been. Give me some advice.”
Chad said, “I don’t have any advice to offer. You’ll spend the rest of your life running from the police. You don’t have a criminal record, but the police already knows about me. The police will track you down when the connect the crime to my front door. We need to be careful. Only murder people in secluded places and murder all of the witnesses. How far would you go in your quest to murder Valerie?”
******
Cindy Donner, Kurt Donner, Dana Zevulon, Roger Myers, Charlene Jaguar, Mark Gletzer, Neve Church, Luke Kenton, Madora Kahn, Canton Guipa, Valerie Wooster, Mickey Zevulon, Martha Atkins, Michael Sexton, Heather Mansfield, Jon Kenton, Michelle Kenton, Larry Burton, Jackie Shafer and Mathew Koberna entered the United Dairy Farmer’s store on High Street. Ohio State University was several feet behind the United Dairy Farmer’s store. The ten men and ten women group walked towards the beer cooler.
Neve looked at Martha with a puzzled expression on her face. Neve asked, “You haven’t watched Days of Our Lives for the past sixteen years. I thought you enjoyed that television show?”
Martha replied, “I enjoyed watching Days of Our Lives, but then I became paranoid. I got this suspicious feeling that the cast and crew of Days of Our Lives are plotting to murder me. I don’t want to be punished by politically correct fanatics for harassing the elderly.”
Neve looked at Martha and said, “You’re not guilty of harassing the elderly.”
A Cash Register Clerk approached the ten men and ten women group. He asked, “Get out of the store.”
Madora said, “We were going to purchase something.”
The Cash Register Clerk said, “You were going to take a goddamn bath in the sink.”
Mickey said, “Shut up asshole! Most of us own apartments.”
The Cash Register Clerk said, “Purchase your beer quickly and leave. I’m carefully watching you.”
The Cash Register Clerk for United Dairy Farmer’s stomped away.”
Dana said, “I work full time at Blockbuster Video Store. I own an apartment. How dare that creep judge us so badly.”
Roger kissed Dana. He said, “Some people are rude.”
Neve asked, “Is anybody aware that the cast and crew of Days of Our Lives are plotting to kill Martha.”
Valerie said, “Dwight Ambrose and Chad Ambrose are plotting to murder me. The cast and crew of Days of Our Lives wants you to watch their stupid television show.”
Martha said, “Thank you for your reassurance.”
Madora said, “Celebrity stalking died in New York City with Dante Siou. It’s time to move on.”
Luke faced Madora and said, “You’re the only member of this group with an emotional connection to the Dante Siou serial murder spree.”
Madora said, “I don’t have any nightmares of the Dante Siou serial murder spree because I never met any of the participants. Sadia Kahn was the only exception.”
Michael said, “Don’t be in a rush to form brand new bad memories.”
Charlene said, “We’ll be fine as long as we don’t have any beer parties in a haunted house.”
Luke asked, “What kind of moron would have a beer party in a haunted house?”
Jackie said, “I have a hypothetical situation to offer. A Jewish family have been living in Europe for the past one thousand and five hundred years. World War Two erupted and half of the Jewish family fled for the United States of America. The Jewish Family Relatives who stayed in Europe died in the Nazi Holocaust. The surviving Jewish Family relatives stayed in the United States for the rest of their lives. They produced children and grandchildren who stayed in the United States of America. Who was to blame for the Jewish Family’s relocation from Europe to the United States of America? Are the German Nazi Party guilty because they caused the Nazi Holocaust? Are the entire Jewish Family guilty because they refuse to accept the German Nazi Party’s apology? Hey Jews, it’s safe to live in Europe. Let’s deport all the Jews back to Europe.”
Mathew said, “That’s an asinine question. A Jew will punch you in the face for asking it.”
Jackie said, “I’m sorry, but that statement was inappropriate.”
Madora faced Jackie and said, “Oh shut up!”
Jackie said, “Hey, chill out Hindu Indian girl.”
Madora said, “I was born in Bangladesh.”
The Cash Register Clerk for United Dairy Farmer’s shouted, “Hey dummy, are you going to purchase something? Do I need to throw you dummies back on the street?”
Canton shouted back, “Stop distracting us. We’re trying to make a decision.”
******
Six years have gone by since I've last typed into this document. There was no plausible reason for such an extended delay. I got drunk. I got stoned. I became lazy. I'll just pick an excuse and stay with it.
I want to go swimming. I want to drown. However, I'm stuck in Columbus, Ohio. The only body of water are bathtubs, swimming pools and very narrow rivers. Yet, I hold on to my wish that someday I'll drown. That I'll be rescued from this horrible miserable existance. I'm always seeking permenent irreversable transformation beyond recognition. Yet, such a luxery is always ellusive to me. I could grab a hold of my reinvention, only to have it race away from me again. Maybe it's my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not pleasent enough. I'm not arriving in the right place. Alternately, I could be arriving in the right place, but not engaging in the right activity. Maybe my timing is screwed up. Maybe I secretly don't want to improve myself. I don't understand why. Who among us wouldn't want to improve our most embarrassing mistakes.
In front of me is a table. On the table is a mirror. On the mirror is a razor blade that seperated a recently purchased pile of cocaine. I plan to use a cheap plastic straw to snort up the cocaine up my nose. Yes, the nose bleeds can be difficult. However, life can be overwhelming, that I need to be medicated. Yet, I was so stoned, I kept forgetting that this story needed to be written down. So I'm pounding this manuscript out on the word processor of my computer again. Six years have gone by and I have nothing to show for it.
******
Roger Myers held Dana Zevulon's hand. They stood nearby Madora Kahn. They were walking towards the Gateway Shopping Mall drinking from paper cups filled with Starbuck's coffee.
Dana said, "I can't believe I once attempted to protest the construction of this place. Can somebody please tell me what the fuck I was trying to do?"
Roger said, "You were busy making an idiot of yourself."
Dana said, "Yeah, that must've been it." Dana paused for a few seconds and asked, "Does anybody know all the names of those who died in the Gwyneth Paltrow stalking scandal?"
Madora said, "I remember the names of all the guys who died. Karl Courtney, Joe Cotton, Professor Alan Hamilton, Montgomery Carraxx, Mountararat Ullman, Dante Siou, Bobby Carson, Kyle Jacobs, Paul Cotton and Reuben."
Dana asked, "Which of the guys were the victomizers?"
Madora said, "Karl Courtney, Joe Cotton and Professor Alan Hamilton were the only guys who didn't go psychotic and started to attack girls. The dead women were Laura Maintree, Iolanthe Ullman, Brenda Rosalie, Quinn Wagner, Gina Elders, Diedre Yvette, Peggy Chiccarelli, Wren Proctor, Xenia Proctor, Sophia, Jessica, Olivia, Wendy Landers, Hellen Misubi, Fay Remington, Fleurette Bayer, Karen Burgandy, Faith Greylord, Marina Del Rosario Huang, Imogen Fayette Gallvan, Patricia Dillard, Julie Bullard, Janet Ackers, Oriana Quinten, Xenia Kaplan, Yolanda Damphire, Ursula Quarrel, Anthea Warwick and Sadia Kahn. I was close to all of them. Their deaths wasn't necessary. It was a horrible mess. Thank Goddess it's gone. The only female death I didn't mourn was Angela Woolthie. I could never muster much empathy for her."
Roger faced Madora and said, "I'm sorry you had to put up with it."
Madora faced Roger and said, "Life isn't always pleasent."
Canton Guipa approached Madora Kahn. They lovingly kissed. Madora said with a wide loving smile, "Hey stranger, nice for you to show up."
Canton said, "Sorry I was late. I overslept."
Madora said, "It's two o'clock in the afternoon."
Canton faced Madora and said, "Sleeping late is fun." Canton faced Roger and said, "Hey dude, how it's going." Canton faced Dana and said, "Hey there chick, how are you doing?"
Dana said, "Life is better now that you're here. This conversation was getting depressing."
Roger said, "Hey, you're the chick who wanted to talk about serial killers."
“My alternative reality travel machine is somewhere in Columbus, Ohio.”
“Can I use your alternative reality travel machine?”
“Why?”
“I want to travel to the alternative reality of your origin.”
“Why?”
“Whoever handled your research into my biography must be shot. You’re not even close to the truth. I washed out of a Pre-Olympic Championship in 1980. My career in women’s gymnastics ended twenty years ago. I want to beat the living crap out of my alternative reality self. I want to straighten out my alternative reality self. Then I’ll ask myself for a twenty thousand dollar loan. I’m tired of working at Blockbuster Rental Store for fifty hours a week. I’m tired of college classes. I need the cash more than my alternative reality self does.”
Dana Zevulon peddled her bicycle away from the homeless bum. She peddled down Woodruff Avenue. She peddled towards the Value City Arena.
Dana blocked out the negative messages from her head. The girl was so close to getting everything she desired. She can’t allow hateful pessimism to slow her down.
******
Dana Zevulon was a thirty-five year old gymnastics has been. Her career ended before it began. She dressed in her spandex leotards. She exited the women’s locker room at the Value City Arena. Kurt Donner and his wife Cindy Donner were already dressed in gymnastics clothing. She walked towards her gymnastics coaches. Cindy and Kurt Donner were a middle aged husband and wife team.
Said Kurt, “It’s impossible for a thirty-four year old female college student to grab a gold medal.”
Replied Dana, “I’m not looking for an Olympic gold medal.”
Asked Kurt, “What are you doing here?”
Replied Dana, “I want to join the Ohio State University Women’s Gymnastics Team.”
Said Cindy, ‘You’re traveling backwards. You’re too old to go back to Pre-Olympic competitions.”
Replied Dana, “I’m comfortable with my has been status. I ran away when I had the chance to make a difference. It’s finished. I still want a gold medal for the college level women’s gymnastics.”
Said Cindy, “You screwed up your only chance to be a child prodigy.”
Said Dana, “I already know that. Give me the chance to be an adult prodigy instead.”
Said Kurt, “Adult women gymnastics prodigies can’t go to the Olympics.”
Said Dana, “I don’t care. I want to be an adult women’s gymnastics prodigy.”
Said Kurt, “I’ll see what I could do about it.”
******
Dana lost count how many times she practiced on the uneven bars. Her wrist watch was tossed on the floor next to her towel and water bottle. Her body was sweating. Her hands and legs were covered in chalk. The girl wore a spandex leotard with long sleeves and bare legs. She was barefoot. Cindy wore a sleeveless leotard with bare legs. She didn’t wear shoes either. Kurt wore sweat pants and a sleeveless tee shirt. Cindy tried her best to guide Dana through the uneven bars. Dana tried her best to follow. Dana turned out to be a very good student.
Kurt suddenly lost patience. He screamed in Rumanian. Dana fell off the uneven bars. She got up.
Asked Dana, “I’m sorry.”
Dana kicked the uneven bars with frustration.
Said Kurt, “Keep your legs together. Both legs must function as one entity. Are we going backwards to 1980 again? Are you regressing to a frightened junior high student?”
Replied Dana, “Of course I won’t.”
Said Kurt, “I told you in 1980 that you’ll never amount to anything without my assistance. I was right. Tell me about your career as a cash register clerk at Blockbuster Rental Store? Are you ringing up the cash register with a smile on your face. You never smiled when you attempted the uneven bars. Cry somewhere else! Go back to Blockbuster you coward.”
Said Dana, “I’ll do better.”
Said Kurt, “Don’t waste my time.”
Replied Dana, “I won’t waste your time.”
Dana walked towards the uneven bars again. She jumped from the lower bar to the upper bar.
Said Kurt, “Good. Keep it up. Good. Why didn’t you display this talent twenty years ago in 1980. You were having so much fun working at Blockbuster Rental Store for the past twenty years. Keep your legs together Blockbuster Rental Store Girl. Watch the grip. Yes. That’s much better. Very good. What are you doing? Watch the grip Blockbuster Rental Store Girl. Good. That’s better.”
Said Cindy, “You still need to audition for the Ohio State Women’s Gymnastics Team. You’re been out of shape for the past twenty years. Yes. Good. I’m impressed. Watch the grip. Don’t leap around the uneven bars like a monkey. Keep it smooth. Yes. Good.”
Dana was spinning around the high bar. Her back was towards the lower bar. She changed hands so she faced the lower bar. She spun around the high bar again. She released and fell towards the lower bar. She grabbed the lower bar and spun around it. She changed her grip so she faced the high bar. She flung herself upwards to the high bar. She did two mid-air somersaults before she grabbed the upper bar. She spun around it three times. She released her grip. She did a mid-air somersault before leaping to the ground.
Said Kurt, “Yes. That was perfect. Let’s not lose the momentum. We’ll practice that exact routine over and over again until it’s six o’clock in the morning. Then we’ll take a small break.”
Replied Dana, “I’d be happy to. I don’t have anything else to do tonight.”
******
Madora Kahn and Canton Guipa entered his apartment nearby High Street in the Ohio State University district. The apartment was sparsely decorated. There were no pictures hanging on the wall. He played traditional Hindu Indian music on the compact disk player.
Asked Madora, “How long have we gone out?”
Replied Canton, “This would be the first anniversary of our romance.”
“I want to have sexual intercourse with you.”
“I want to have sex too. Are you ready?”
“I’m not ready to have a baby. I’m ready for sex.”
“I brought a condom along.”
“You already anticipated this moment.”
“I always carry a condom.”
“You’re a confident man.”
“You’re beautiful. I always knew we’d end up in bed together.”
Madora lovingly kissed Canton. She removed her clothing. He removed his clothing. Madora and Canton left a trail of clothing from the living room to the bedroom. Canton and Madora fell backwards into bed together. They kissed. They kissed again. He ran his fingers through her hair. They kissed. He entered her body. They kissed. He kissed her left arm. He kissed above her left breast. He kissed above her right breast. He kissed her neck. He kissed her. They kissed again. He ejaculated inside her. They kissed. He ran his fingers through her hair. They kissed. He kissed her neck. He kissed her neck again. She fondled his chest. They kissed. She fondled his left arm. He fondled her left breast. They kissed. They kissed again. He ejaculated inside her. They kissed. He ejaculated inside her again. He exited her body.
Asked Madora, “You ejaculated more than once. Where’s the condom?”
Replied Canton, “It’s on the floor nearby my jeans.”
“You should’ve used three condoms.”
“It was uncomfortable.”
******
It was the standard girlish dream. Neve Church was magically transported to England in 1255. She was a shepherd. She had a flock of sheep to protect and guide through a vast field. She wore a plain medieval gown. It was the standard pheasant sort of gown for her social class. Her simple wooden cottage was only two miles behind her. She carried a wooden stick to guide the sheep.
Guiding the sheep was a simple task. It was like a mother guiding and controlling children. Rewards were given for good behavior. Punishments were given to bad behavior. None of the sheep were her equal. Her rewards and punishments were impossible to negotiate. Being a mother to the sheep were fun. Yet, it wasn’t the same. The sheep wasn’t human. The sheep couldn’t think and talk like humans. The sheep was forever stuck in childhood.
There was a disturbance ahead of Neve. She walked ahead of the sheep.. She was still in England. She was still in the grassy pasture. There was a loud rumble noise. The sheep were disturbed by the noise.
Said Neve, “The sheep isn’t real. The grassy pasture in England isn’t real. My clothes isn’t real. The loud noise isn’t real.”
Neve was still in the grassy pasture. She ran towards the loud noise. She saw the dead body of herself. Her dead body was struck by a laser beam to her left breast. Her dead body was starting to become invisible and transparent. Her corpse would never decay. Her existence erased except for her murderer’s memories. The girl turned to face her sheep. Her sheep was flying in several directions. Neve ignored the dead body and tried to control her herd of sheep. She finally got them clustered in a small group. Dwight Ambrose walked towards the girl. He was smiling.
Dwight replied, “You don’t have a future. I’m going to murder you.”
******
Neve woke up. She was naked in bed with Luke Kenton. She was sleeping in the small house that Luke shared with his brother Jon Kenton and his sister Michelle Kenton. Larry Burton, and Heather was also staying over for the night. It was close to morning. Neve wasn’t used to waking up so early. Luke woke up.
Said Luke, “It’s so fucking early. Go back to sleep.”
Replied Neve, “Do you watch slasher horror films?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Slasher horror is ninety minutes of non-stop murder without moral consequences. It’s mindlessly inhuman. Slasher horror seems to prefer rewarding the murderer. There’s no attempt at providing a psychologic motivation for the murderer. Suppose your life truly is threatened by a psychotic murderer? What do you do about it? Smile while some idiot screams, ‘Hurry up and kill them.’ Slasher horror is mindless empty calories. ”
“Slasher horror is supposed to be mindlessly inhuman. That’s the whole point. ”
“Would you set up artistic standards before watching a horror slasher?”
“Horror slashers isn’t supposed to follow artistic standards.”
“Suppose horror slashers are the only genre Hollywood is willing to explore. Would you conclude that the artistic standards in Hollywood have dropped? Welcome to Hollywood Miss Aspiring Actress. The only film role you’re allowed to have is a murder victim role. Can you give us a convincing death scene?”
Neve lovingly kissed Luke. They kissed again. She said, “It’s too early to worry about supply of proper film roles for aspiring film actresses.”
Luke lovingly kissed Neve. He said, “When is it a good time to discuss the lack of proper film roles for aspiring film actresses?”
Luke and Neve lovingly kissed. He entered her body. They kissed. He fondled her naked body. They kissed. She ran her fingers across his face. They kissed. She fondled his chest. They kissed. They kissed again. He ejaculated inside her body. They kissed. His right hand rested on her breasts.
Neve said, “I had another nightmare. The nightmare started out with so much promise. I can’t control my own dreams anymore. Can’t I be a shepherd in my dreams without getting killed by Dwight Ambrose?”
They lovingly kissed.
Luke said, “Nothing will happen to you while I’m around.”
They lovingly kissed. He fondled her breasts. Neve smiled. They kissed.
“You’re so fucking cute.”
“You’re a beautiful girl. I truly love you.”
“Thanks for sleeping with me tonight. I need your strength.”
“I’m willing to provide the strength you desire.”
“There’s one genre of storytelling that’s never discussed on the Ohio State University Theater Department. The pornography and slashers genre is frequently avoided.”
“You’re expecting changes in the Theater Department? You’re not getting a Bachelor of Arts in theater.”
“Of course I won’t. Have you seen any pornography films or slasher films?”
“I don’t think either of those films are necessary.”
“I’ve seen too much pornography. I’ve seen too much slasher films. There’s several easily met standards. The first standard is the one track mind obsession with visual pornography. Everything else is avoided. It explains why children and the elderly is frequently left out of pornography and slashers. The second standard is dialogue. The only dialogue that’s allowed are supposed to set up either sex scenes or death scenes. Dialogue that isn’t about sex scenes or death scenes are avoided. The third standard are the characters moth-like obsession to either sexual intercourse or getting murdered. The characters are interested in nothing else aside from sex or death. The fourth standard is the lack of innovation. People who watch either pornography or slashers will only allow two new ideas per film. Everything must be kept simple.”
“My biggest complaint about pornography is related to homosexuality. Is anybody interested in watching two women have sex with each other? I’m not interested in watching lesbians. It’s sick, but it always shows up in pornography. You can’t avoid it? Why? What’s so interesting about goddamn lesbians?”
“Lesbian sex in pornography is boring.”
“Of course lesbians in pornography are boring. So why are lesbians always included?”
“Pornography film directors are idiots.”
“What about pornography and slashers in literature?”
“You can’t create motion picture quality pornography or slashers for literature. Visual pornography in literature is impossible. Everything must be explained to you verbally. Visual eye candy is lost when it’s described in verbal detail.”
Neve and Luke lovingly kissed. They kissed yet again.
******
Madora wore black slacks, a white shirt, and a black trench coat. She was perched nearby the Scioto River. She was standing in the Downtown district of Columbus. Canton rode his bicycle towards the woman. He was peddling down Broad Street. He stopped when he saw the Hindu Indian girl wearing a trench coat.
Said Canton, “It’s ninety degrees outside.”
Replied Madora, “I’m dead. The weather doesn’t effect corpses. You’re the only person who can see me.”
“What type of creature are you?”
“I’m an angel. You’re the only person who can see me.”
“What function does angels perform?”
“We stand around wearing trench coats. We look important. We follow around living people. Angels are unmotivated slackers on a mission from God.”
“Can we fall in love?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“An legally dead angel can’t fall in love with a mortal. I must be rise from the dead. I was blown up and run over by an eight wheeled truck. I’m going to be a hopeless mess. I look better dead. I get this cool trench coat. We’ll only get one love making session. Then you’ll ride your bicycle into an eight wheeled truck. It’s not fun. Trust me. I know from experience. Then I’ll get depressed. I’ll drown myself in the Scioto River.”
“Why are you going to drown in the Scioto River?”
“Because it’s the only significant body of water in Columbus, Ohio. It’s entirely dry land except for three narrow rivers. Hey, it’s deep enough to float a replica of the Santa Maria.”
“Can we have sex without tragedy.”
“No.”
“Why can’t we have sex without tragedy.”
“I live on the wild side. Tragedy follows me everywhere.”
“That’s a pity. I love you. I want to make love to you.”
Madora Kahn woke up stark naked. She was lying down next to Canton Guipa. Canton was still asleep. Madora rested her left hand on her left breast. She looked around the bedroom. Everything was in it’s normal place. She didn’t see a trench coat anywhere. Madora’s left hand rested on Canton’s naked body. He stirred a bit. She lovingly kissed him. Madora closed her eyes. She returned to sleep.
******
Madora Kahn lived with her aunt Shama Kahn on Maynard Avenue in the University District. Sumanth Kahn also lived with Madora and Shama. Madora didn’t show up that night. Shama walked into the kitchen. Her husband Sumanth followed her. Shama was dressed in her nightgown and bathrobe. Sumanth was dressed in his pajamas and a bathrobe.
Said Sumanth, “Madora is probably sleeping with Canton.”
Said Shama, “I don’t approve of premarital sex. I’m sending Madora back to India.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“I’ll decide what’s necessary.”
Dwight Ambrose slammed a hatchet into Sumanth’s spine. The Hindu Indian guy sputtered out blood. He crashed to the dinner table lifelessly. Shama stepped back in horror.
Said Dwight, “I agree, Madora should’ve been here tonight. She could die with her Aunt and Uncle.”
Asked Shama, “What do you want?”
Dwight slammed a hatchet into Shama’s stomach. The woman was still alive.
Sputtered Shama, “Don’t kill me. You can have whatever you want.”
Dwight bludgeoned Shama with a old fashion coffee kettle.
Sputtered Shama, “I don’t remember making you angry. What do you want?”
Dwight bludgeoned Shama with an old fashion coffee kettle. He sprayed window cleaner on the wound. He slammed the coffee kettle against her skull. He sprayed window cleaner on the head wound. He slammed the coffee kettle against Shama’s skull a fourth time. Shama died.
SIX
Dwight Ambrose raced his motorcycle back to his father’s house. He walked inside. His father was still watching television. Dwight sat down.
Said Dwight, “I killed them Daddy.”
Replied Chad, “Pardon?”
Said Dwight, “Madora Kahn was living with her aunt Shama Kahn and her uncle Sumanth Kahn. Both Shama and Sumanth are dead. I slammed a hatchet into Sumanth’s chest. I bludgeoned Shama with an old fashion coffee maker. I killed two innocent people. It was a clumsy murder. I made it easy for the police to catch me.”
“Did you leave behind fingerprints? Did anybody see you enter? Did anybody see you exit?”
“There were no fingerprints and no witnesses.”
“Don’t go near the Summet Street ghetto. Find other activities to indulge in. Give the police a chance to forget about the murder.”
“It’s that simple?”
“It’s not that simple. Don’t kill anybody with a hatchet. Hatchets are large. Psychotic maniacs rarely use hatchets. The police could track down the hatchet to the hardware store you purchased the weapon from.”
“I’ll toss away the hatchet.”
“Don’t toss away the hatchet. The police will still track the weapon to the hardware store you purchased it from. In fact, the police will have an easier time catching you.”
“I hate that hatchet. It made a very big mess.”
“You can’t get rid of the hatchet. You must learn to love it again.”
“I won’t kill anybody else with that hatchet.”
“You need to kill somebody with something. A knife is a better weapon. It’s more common. It’s harder to track down to the store you purchased it from. A knife is more humane.”
“I’m thirsty. Is there anything to drink in the fridge.”
“Yeah, there’s something to drink. Did the police follow you home.”
“No.”
“Did anybody follow you home?”
“No.”
“Did Shama Kahn or Sumanth Kahn tried to hurt you when you murdered them?”
“I wasn’t hurt.”
“It’s better if you don’t get hurt. A retaliation wound is difficult to explain to the emergency room.”
Chad Ambrose walked from the living room to the kitchen. He pulled two beers from the fridge. Chad returned to the living room. He tossed one of the beers to Dwight.
“I hate Valerie. She punched me in the face when I asked her out twenty years ago in 1980. I carried an angry grudge against Valerie since Shepherd Junior High in Chicago, Illinois. I followed Valerie from Chicago to Columbus, Ohio. Why did I murder Shama and Sumanth. They didn’t fit the method of operation.”
“It’s alright to toss in a few murders that don’t match the method of operation. It confuses the police.”
“I don’t hate Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn. I killed them anyway.”
“You can’t bring them back. You must accept your role in their deaths. You must justify the need to kill them. Don’t crack up when the police search for clues.”
“I’m scared Daddy. I killed two innocent people.”
“I’m not scared. I’m proud of you.”
“I’m not proud of yourself.”
“You must find a reason to be proud of yourself.”
“I want to murder Valerie.”
“It’s perfectly normal to have hateful thoughts about women. Don’t crack up. You must murder Valerie only if you could escape justice.”
“I’m tired of waiting. Valerie is laughing at me. The woman must die.”
“Follow my advice. I never led you astray.”
“I killed two innocent people Daddy. Valerie wasn’t among them. Valerie should’ve been among them. Are you angry at me?”
“It’s alright Dwight. You’ve done good. I’m not angry at you.”
******
Madora was woken up by the police at four o’clock in the morning. She was allowed to dress herself. She was driven to the police station. Madora didn’t talk. She was brought to the corner’s department of the police station. Madora was shown the dead bodies of Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn. Tears rolled down Madora’s face.
Said Madora, “Yes, that’s my Aunt Shama and Uncle Sumanth. What happened?”
Said Police Officer #1, “We don’t know. Does Shama Kahn and Sumanth Kahn have any enemies? If not, then it’s probably a failed robbery from street gangs.”
Said Madora, “Dwight Ambrose hates Valerie.”
Asked Police Officer #2, “Who’s Valerie?”
Replied Madora, “Valerie is a close friend of mine. I don’t know her last name.”
Asked Police Officer #2, “Do you have Valerie’s telephone number?”
Said Madora, “Yes, it’s in the telephone directory in my purse. Give me a few seconds.”
Police Officer #1 faced Canton Guipa. Canton frowned. Police Officer #1 asked, “Do you know anything about Dwight Ambrose?”
Replied Canton, “I met Dwight Ambrose only once. He’s an asshole. I didn’t realize Dwight was also a murderer. He wanted to go out with Valerie in Shepherd Junior High in Chicago, Illinois. Valerie punched him in the nose. That was back in 1980. Dwight hated Valerie ever since. He have been stalking Valerie for the past twenty years. Hell of a long time to hate somebody.”
Said Police Officer #2, “Do you know where Dwight Ambrose lives?”
Replied Canton, “Valerie knows where Dwight Ambrose lives. She sent several restraining orders to his front doorstep.”
Said Madora, “I found it. I knew my telephone directory was somewhere in my purse.”
******
Dana Zevulon was a thirty-five year old gymnastics has been. Her career ended before it began. She dressed in her spandex leotards. She wore wire framed eyeglasses. Kurt Donner and his wife Cindy Donner were her gymnastics coaches. They were also dressed in gymnastics clothing. Dana took a brief break from gymnastics. All three of them sat side by side on the exercise mats.
Asked Dana, “Suppose there’s a strange virus that wipes out anybody who’s male. Essentially, every single woman on Earth has a sexual orgasm all at the same moment. Suppose a guy survives because he accidently botched a girl’s sexual orgasm. There’s fifty-five percent of the female population left alive. There’s only one guy left alive. Every time the guy masturbates, a girl dies. Great! What happens next? This last surviving man can’t get a girl pregnant. A boy and a girl needs sexual excitement to get the desired pregnancy. You need to keep a pregnant girl alive long enough to produce a baby. You need to maintain a nursery. If a nursery isn’t created and maintained, the human race will vanish within fifty years. Suppose the last surviving man needs a haircut. But he can’t interact with a girl without masturbating. A girl dies every time he masturbates. Great! Who’s going to cut this idiot’s hair? He can’t go to a male barber anymore. He can’t go to a female barber either. The last surviving male needs a haircut. A girl isn’t going to die if an ungroomed homeless bum masturbates.”.
Said Cindy, “The last surviving male could grow long hair without losing his attractiveness.”
Said Dana, “Long hair needs to be trimmed. A girl isn’t going to die if an ungroomed homeless bum masturbates. My argument have always been about the need to control your appetite. If a person can’t control his or her appetite, somebody is going to force structured control. Somebody else is going to walk away with the golden goose while your locked forever in jail or a lunatic asylum. When the idiot is finally released from jail or the lunatic asylum, it’s too late to resume control. Nature hates an unstructured vacuum.”
Said Kurt, “This is the most depressing conversation I ever heard. What type of drugs are you girls on?”
Said Cindy, “It’s nothing important darling.”
Cindy and Kurt lovingly kissed.
Said Kurt, “We need to focus on getting Dana onto the Ohio State University women’s gymnastics team. We still have a lot of gymnastics training to work on. We need Dana to stop working at Blockbuster Video Rental Store. Minimum wage labor is impossible to work around.”
Said Cindy, “Minimum wage labor is my only source of income. What difference does it make? I’m too old to join the United States of America Olympic Gymnastics Team.”
Said Kurt, “We could try to get you some gold medals in college level gymnastics championships.”
Said Dana, “I want to get some gold medals in college level gymnastics championships as much as you do. I spent too much time squandering my athletic potential. Forgive me Kurt, I have a lot on my mind. I would like to be pregnant someday. I would like to be a mother. I guess every chick wants to become a mother eventually.”
Said Kurt, “Don’t get pregnant now! I need you to be in perfect athletic shape for the Ohio State Women’s Gymnastics Team auditions. You have the potential of becoming a member of the team.”
Asked Dana, “Is it politically correct for a woman to desire motherhood?”
Replied Cindy, “Of course it’s politically correct for a woman to desire pregnancy.”
Said Dana, “I was starting to get worried. I don’t want to be politically correct if pregnancy isn’t a part of the equation.”
Said Cindy, “You don’t need to be politically correct.”
Asked Dana, “Politically correct fanatics are boring people to become friends with.”
Said Cindy, “The goals of the politically correct movement is worthwhile.”
Asked Dana, “When did the politically correct movement lost interest in sexual intercourse, pregnancy and motherhood?”
Replied Cindy, “I never knew the politically correct movement lost interest in those issues.”
Said Dana, “The politically correct women I’ve talked to have no interest in sexual intercourse, pregnancy and motherhood.. Maybe I was talking to the wrong type of politically correct crusaders.”
Said Cindy, “It’s impossible for a woman to get pregnant without a man’s sperm. Cloning technology is still a primitive concept. Science could create fake DNA. Science can’t create a fake cloned body out of thin air. Science could only insert fake DNA into a real egg. The original intent of the egg is artificially corrupted.”
Asked Dana, “Could science create fake male sperm? Fake male sperm and fake DNA codes placed into a woman’s egg inside her uterus could create plausible birth conditions. Men could be left out of the birth process.”
Said Cindy, “You think it’s possible for science to create fake male sperm? The male sperm structure is too complex. I’m sorry, but science isn’t omnipotent.”
Said Kurt, “Do you mind? We’re supposed to be talking about gymnastics.”
Asked Dana, “Do you have any interest in becoming a father?”
Replied Kurt, “Of course I want to become a father. Most guys desire fatherhood. Men who don’t desire fatherhood isn’t worth hanging around with. It’s perfectly normal for a woman to desire motherhood.”
Said Dana, “That’s reassuring.”
Said Kurt, “Are you fully rested? We need to get back to gymnastics practice.”
Said Dana, “Let’s work on the balance beam.”
Said Kurt, “This is your practice session. I would prefer the vaulting horse.”
Said Dana, “I’m can’t do the vaulting horse.”
Said Kurt, “Go home. You’re wasting my time.”
Said Dana, “I’ll do the vaulting horse.”
Said Kurt, “That’s the spirit I’m looking for.”
Dana checked the height of the vaulting horse. She frowned. She adjusted the height of the vaulting horse.
Said Dana, “It’s still set to a man’s height.”
Said Cindy, “The Ohio State Men’s Gymnastics Team was here before us.”
Dana walked several feet away from the vaulting horse. She turned around. She looked at the vaulting horse for a few minutes. She frowned.
Said Dana, “Ok vaulting horse, I’m ready when you are.”
Dana Zevulon ran towards the vaulting horse. She jumped on the spring board. She flew upside down towards the vaulting horse. Her hands touched the vaulting horse for a few seconds. She used the vaulting horse to push herself forwards several feet. She returned to earth with both feet together.
Said Kurt, “Why didn’t you perform a vault like that in nineteen eighty?”
Said Dana, “I used to be a cowardly little girl. Now I’m a woman.”
Said Kurt, “Do that vault again.”
******
Jackie Shafer loved the swimming pool in Stillman Hall on West 18th Avenue She arrived two minutes after Stillman Hall opened. She wore a blue bikini that showed a lot of skin. She was accompanied by Matthew Koberna, Luke Kenton and Jon Kenton. All three men wore more conservative swimming suits. Matthew and Luke walked directly into the swimming pool. Jackie and Jon stayed on the concrete surface surrounding the pool.
Said Matthew, “Dive in Jackie. It’s very warm.”
Said Jackie, “I’ll just sit off to the side. Thanks anyway.”
Jackie pulled out a towel from a nearby bench. She placed it on the concrete directly near the water. She sat on the towel. Only her feet and ankles were submerged underwater. Jon casually stood behind Jackie.
Said Matthew, “You’re such a fucking coward.”
Replied Jackie, “Jon isn’t a coward? What is he waiting for?”
Replied Jon, “I’m waiting for you.”
Asked Jackie, “You want me to catch the bullets if we’re in a fucking war zone?”
Said Jon, “We’re in Columbus, Ohio. There’s no bullets in the American Midwest.”
Said Luke, “You’ll only get bullets if you hang out in the wrong sections of Columbus, Ohio. Just stay away from drug abuse or illegal street gangs.”
Said Jackie, “Thanks for the advise. I’m more concerned about my grades.”
Asked Luke, “Are you flunking a class?”
Replied Jackie, “Not yet, but there’s always that chance. I never understood basic computer programming. There’s too much math involved.”
Said Jon, “You only need to take the basic instruction classes. Can you work with Microsoft Excell and Microsoft Access?”
Replied Jackie, “I can work with those computer programs.”
Said Jon, “You’ll certainly get good grades. Don’t worry.”
Said Matthew, “I’m a computer programming major. I’ll be more than willing to assist with your classes.”
Said Jackie, “Yeah, I know your major. I’m counting on your assistance.”
Jackie stood up. She tossed her towel back on the bench. She slowly slipped into the pool. She dove underwater. She was underwater for two minutes. She emerged to the surface.
Said Jon, “Thanks Jackie. You’re putting me on the spot.”
Said Jackie, “It’s not my fault if you’re not macho enough to fallow me.” Jackie paused a few seconds. The girl added, “My boyfriend was lying. It’s cold. It takes a while to get used to the water.”
Said Jon, “I’ll regret it later tonight if I don’t dive in now.”
Said Luke, “That’s the spirit.”
Jon dove into the pool. He walked towards Jackie. Luke and Matthew also walked towards Jackie. All three men surrounded the girl. She smiled. She splashed Matthew. He splashed her in return. Matthew and Jackie shared a long romantic kiss.
Said Jackie, “Maybe I should skip computer programming classes.”
Said Jon, “Every single major at Ohio State University requires basic computer programming.”
Said Jackie, “What am I going to use a goddamn computer for?”
Said Luke, “Your kidding right? You need computers for everything.”
Said Jackie, “That’s a scary thought.”
Said Matthew, “Show me your homework later tonight Jackie. I’ll provide some assistance.”
Said Jackie, “Cool. I can’t wait. I’ll wear my sexiest outfit.”
Said Jon, “Care to swim a few laps?”
Said Matthew, “Go ahead. I’ll just stand here and talk to Jackie.”
Said Luke, “It’s impossible to open your eyes underwater. I hate chlorine.”
Said Jon, “That’s what goggles were invented for.”
Said Jackie, “Goggles only work if you could adjust it perfectly.”
Said Luke, “Columbus, Ohio is boring. There’s no beaches anywhere.”
Said Jon, “I can’t afford real estate in Florida.”
Said Luke, “There’s cheap apartments in Florida. There’s cheap apartments everywhere.”
Asked Jackie, “Who are you dating Jon? Are you dating Heather? How long have you been dating her?”
Replied Jon, “I’ve been dating Heather for the past two years.”
Said Jackie, “Wow. Cool. Heather and you are so cute together. Are you going to take Heather down to Florida with you?”
Said Jon, “That’s part of the plan.”
Said Jackie, “That’s wonderful. Heather is a very lucky chick.”
Said Jon, “She certainly is.”
Asked Jackie, “What part of Florida would you like to relocate to?”
Said Jon, “I don’t know. I never gave it much thought.”
Said Jackie, “I’ve been to Miami, Florida. It’s nice.”
Said Jon, “I never been to Miami.”
Said Matthew, “Jackie and I have photographs of Miami. We’ll show you the vacation photos someday.”
Said Jon, “That would be wonderful. Thanks.”
Said Luke, “Where should we go next?”
Said Matthew, “Listen to the man with short attention span. We just got here.”
Said Jackie, “I spent five hours in the women’s clothing store. Do you know how hard it is to find a bikini that fits my breasts perfectly? I would like to show of my bikini a little bit longer. Thank you very much.”
Said Matthew, “Dude, the lady have spoken.”
Said Jackie, “I’m genius in swimming underwater. I should go scuba diving someday. Not in Columbus. You can’t do anything in Columbus, except go shopping. There are more clothing stores in Columbus than actual residents. That’s ridiculous. The real estate developers should try to keep some trees intact.”
Said Luke, “That would be so cool. We need more forest preserves in Columbus, Ohio.”
Said Jackie, “I maxed out my credit cards so I could purchase this bikini. I don’t have any cash left.”
Asked Jon, “When is your next paycheck?”
Replied Jackie, “I work for Ohio State University. I’m one of the student secretaries. My next paycheck is seven days from now.”
Jackie smiled as she splashed water into Matthew’s face. Matthew splashed water at Jackie in response.
Said Luke, “I once had a dream. My dream was about magic nightgowns being back in fashion. A girl could only wear a magic nightgown in a magic hallway. Does anybody know what that dream was about?”
Asked Jackie, “Are you dreaming about Neve wearing a magic nightgown? If so, which magic hallway are you dreaming about?”
Replied Luke, “I don’t know? The magic nightgown and the magic hallway dream was vague.”
Asked Jackie, “Can you have nighttime dreams about something that isn’t vague?”
Said Jon, “Maybe you’re dreaming about pornography strippers in a pornography stripping bar?”
Said Matthew, “We’re talking about magic nightgowns in magic hallways. You dreaming about magic bras and magic panties. There’s a difference between magic underwear and magic nightgowns.”
Asked Jon, “Maybe Luke is dreaming about a television show?”
Asked Luke, “There’s a magic nightgown television show? What channel is it on?”
Said Jon, “I can’t afford cable television.”
Replied Luke, “I’m sorry buddy, but you’re screwed. You missed out on the magic nightgown opportunity. You could only get the necessary clues from cable television.”
Said Jon, “I can’t afford cable television with my income level. Can you be a bit more specific? There’s a lot of cable television channels to choose from. Does anybody know what my magic nightgown dream was about?”
Asked Jackie, “Were you kissing your girlfriend Neve in her magic nightgown?”
Said Luke, “I was kissing a female in her magic nightgown. It must’ve been Neve. She was standing in the middle of a magic hallway.”
Said Jackie, “I’m sorry, but you lost me. What are you talking about?”
Said Luke, “I don’t know.”
Said Jon, “Nighttime dreams isn’t supposed to make sense. It’s your subconscious running amuck.”
Asked Luke, “What about you Jackie? Do you wear magic nightgowns in a magic hallway?”
Replied Jackie, “I own nightgowns and the apartment I own with Matthew has a small hallway. I don’t own a magic nightgown though. I don’t wear my nightgowns in public.”
Said Luke, “My nighttime dream wasn’t about wearing a magic nightgown in public.”
Jackie swam towards the deep end of the swimming pool. She asked, “What type of powers does a magic nightgown give a woman?”
Replied Luke, “I don’t know what powers a magic nightgown has. A magic nightgown is supernatural. My nighttime dreams are never specific about anything.”
Luke swam towards the deep end of the swimming pool. Jon and Matthew stayed near the shallow end of the swimming pool.
Asked Jackie, “Are you using drugs or alcohol?”
Said Luke, “I don’t use drugs. I drank, but I only had one bottle of beer.”
Said Jackie, “Is your girlfriend Neve using drugs or alcohol?”
Said Luke, “Neve isn’t using drugs or alcohol.”
Said Jackie, “I’m sorry, but your nighttime dream is vague. Nobody knows what your talking about.”
Said Luke, “It’s a pity nobody understands the magic nightgown dream. It was very sexually exciting.”
Said Jon, “You had a nighttime dream about Neve wearing a magic nightgown? What color was the magic nightgown? Was it the color white, black or something else?”
Said Luke, “Neve was wearing a magic nightgown. The magic nightgown was black silk.”
Said Jon, “Maybe I should get my girlfriend Heather a magic nightgown made from black silk. Wear can a girl purchase her magic nightgown?”
Replied Luke, “I don’t know? Maybe you could bring Heather to a magic nightgown store? I’m not sure which shopping center a magic nightgown store is located? You could visit the City Center Shopping Mall.”
Said Matthew, “I’m sorry Luke, but you must’ve been wasted.”
Replied Luke, “I only had one beer.”
Said Matthew, “You must’ve had a low tolerance for alcohol.”
Said Jackie, “I own several nightgowns. None of my nightgowns are magical. I’m not sure what a magical nightgown is used for? Ask for details the next time you have a magic nightgown dream.”
Said Luke, “I kept asking for details every time I have a magic nightgown dream. My request for specific details is always ignored.”
Said Jackie, “You’re a guy. A nightgown’s function probably confuses you. A girl wears a nightgown before she goes to bed at night. She sleeps in her bed with her nightgown on. The girl wakes up at night. She takes her nightgown off. She takes a shower. She puts on her bra and panties. She wears normal clothing. She applies makeup. She styles her hair. She makes herself beautiful. She eats breakfast. A magic nightgown is useless if the girl is asleep with the garment on her body.”
Asked Jon, “It’s a felony for a girl to wear her nightgown outside her apartment.”
Said Jackie, “It isn’t illegal for a girl to wear her nightgown in public. Everybody will look at the girl with a weird expression. She isn’t likely to score a date in a singles bar.”
Said Luke, “The magic nightgown is never worn in public. It’s only worn in a magic hallway.”
Asked Matthew, “Where is the magic hallway?”
Replied Luke, “I don’t know. I never get specific details.”
Said Jackie, “Maybe I could purchase a magic nightgown at Marshal Fields Department Store. Can I use your credit card to purchase my magic nightgown? Maybe the magic hallway is in a hotel room in Miami, Florida.”
Replied Matthew, “I’m not sure if I could afford Miami, Florida. I maxed out my credit cards. I still need to repay my credit card debts. Would you settle for a magic hallway in a hotel room in Cleveland, Ohio?”
Said Jackie, “I don’t mind wearing my magic nightgown in a magic hallway in Cleveland, Ohio.”
Said Matthew, “There we go. We have a simple solution to a complicated problem.” Matthew lovingly kissed Jackie. He faced Luke and Jon. He said, “I love this woman. I first met her at Chemistry class at Ohio State University. I kept running into her on the Ohio State campus. One day, I simply asked the woman what her college major is going to be. Do you know what she said in reply?”
Replied Jackie, “Not yet.”
Said Matthew, “It was a strange reply to a seemingly innocent question. So I asked, when will it be if it isn’t going to happen now? One of us must have the courage to take a step forward.”
Said Jackie, “I must’ve been drunk. I thought he was asking me out. He ended up taking me out on a date. It was an unintentional communication error that worked out perfectly.”
Said Luke, “I’d be a happy man if the love between Neve and I were that special.”
Asked Jackie, “Are there road bumps on the road to romantic bliss?”
Replied Luke, “Nothing a bottle of wine and some flowers won’t fix. Do you normally blow simple small talk with the opposite gender out of proportion?”
Replied Jackie, “Only when a complete stranger I never met starts a conversation with me. It’s a defense barrier I’ve created. You never know what type of man could be standing in front of me.”
Said Jon, “I fell in love with Heather around the same time Luke fell in love with Neve. Luke and I were double dating total strangers we never met before. Some of our best friends often start off as strangers.”
Said Jackie, “I never double dated. The men I date are never impulsive. My romantic dates with men is typically scheduled two weeks in advance. I’m often forced to play it cool when dating and I’m good at it.” Jackie briefly submerged underwater. Her head rose above the surface. She continued, “Why do I always end up with conservative non-impulsive men. Is Matthew ever impulsive when I’m not hanging around him?”
Replied Jon, “Matthew Koberna never had an impulsive bone in his body. Don’t hold it against him. The guy loves you. He can’t stop talking about you.”
Said Matthew, “I’m going to make Jackie a very special woman.”
Matthew and Jackie lovingly kissed again. Jackie smiled.
Asked Jackie, “Does anybody remember Dante Siou?”
Replied Luke, “Thirty women and eleven men were killed during the MTV The Real World auditions last year. Dante Siou provoked the killings and was shot by the police while trying to escape. He even got a woman to join his temporary serial rape gang. The number of dead bodies was a bit excessive. Photographs of the victims were posted above the cash registers in the Soussy Market on Summit Avenue.“
Asked Jackie, “Why would anybody want to post photographs of murder victims above the cash register of a goddamn supermarket?”
Said Luke, “Dante Siou was a sick man. He’s dead, but those photographs are still above the cash register at the Soussy Market. We’ll drive down there when we finished swimming.”
Asked Jackie, “Were the photographs done with an instant or a laboratory camera?”
Replied Luke, “Forty-one photographs were created with an instant camera.”
******
Caucasian Male Snob said, “Do you mind if you don’t look at us!”
Jackie Shafer looked at Caucasian Male Snob and African-American Male Snob. All three of them were sitting in the very rear of the bus. Jackie fell asleep briefly before getting jarred awake. She didn’t normally fall asleep on the Columbus Transit Authority Bus. She was riding on Route Number Eighteen and washing her sorrows when she was fired from a dishwashing job at Texas Roadhouse. There were several problems with her application. First, she was female. Second, she was Caucasian. Third, she was slow. The managers at Texas Roadhouse desired Hispanic-American men in the dishwashing and vegetable prep section of the kitchen because they can’t speak English. Most restaurant managers feel better at night if the dishwashing and the vegetable prep can’t supply a response to a perfectly phrased question. Anyway, she was riding south from Bethel Road towards the Ohio State University district. She already justified her behavior with anger and sorrow. She only looked at the two men twice. She didn’t realize the two snobs would take her presence so personally.
Asked Jackie, “Do you want me to move.”
African-American Snob said, “It won’t matter. You’ll still look at us.”
Caucasian Snob said, “I feel sexually harassed when you glare at me. Don’t look at me.”
African-American Snob said, “You have a lot of nerve to do what you’ve done!”
Jackie Shafer threw up her hands in disgust. She walked towards the front of the bus while it’s still in motion. She sat down. She sat alone on a seat on the left side of the bus. The bus stopped. An overweight African-American man entered the bus. He sat on the right side of the bus directly across m Jackie. Jackie leaned her head against the window. Her head gently rattled against the glass window.
Jackie wore black jeans and a yellow shirt. Her outfit was completed with black leather moccasins. The girl loved to wear moccasins. She left her Texas Roadhouse uniform tee shirt behind on a wooden bench for anybody to grab. She always carried spare clothing in her purse. Jackie never wanted to appear in public with her employment uniform on. Getting fired was frustrating and depressing. Jackie was in a very bad mood. She promised herself to swim several laps later in the evening. The girl always felt better after swimming a few laps in the swimming pool.
The Overweight African-American talked directly into his left hand. He said, “He wore blue pajamas. I said that he wore blue pajamas. He was walking home from college classes. He walked along side Sharon. Sharon wanted to know why he had so many freckles. Freddy’s freckles freaked her out. Freddy felt offended and hurt by the statement. He wanted to attack her, but he lacked the courage.”
The Overweight African-American bent his left hand over his head. He talked directly into his right hand. He continued, “Sharon offered Freddy a cure for his freckles. She also told him to get some sleep. Freddy became scared. He was afraid that he’ll lose interest in college classes if he slept. He was afraid that he’ll lose his direction in life if his freckles vanished. The cure for freckles was in a glass bottle and it was filled with poison. A second girl named Lisa approached them. Sharon asked a question. Whoever fails to answer the question will get a headache. Freddy answered the question. Lisa got a headache. Lisa never recovered from the headache. Sharon looked directly at Freddy. Freddy’s freckles got bigger. Freddy’s freckles caused Sharon to suffer from a headache.
Sharon never recovered from the headache.”
The Overweight African-American talked directly into his left hand. He continued, “Freddy’s freckles vanished when both women suffered headaches and died. Freddy’s freckles only appeared when he’s sitting nearby a woman. Freddy wore blue pajamas and his freckles were gone.”
Jackie tried to sleep, but the Overweight African-American was annoying. Jackie looked at the Overweight African-American. The Overweight African-American didn’t look at her. He only looked at his left hand. She said, “Do you want to murder me with your goddamn freckles?”
The Overweight African-American male ignored her. He continued to look directly at his left hand. He studied his hand carefully. He continued, “A girl wearing blue jeans and a yellow shirt challenged Freddy. His freckles returned. The freckles were getting bigger. The girl wearing blue jeans and a yellow shirt tried to defeat Freddy’s freckles. The freckles got bigger.”
Jackie pulled out her cellular telephone. She dialed a number. Neve replied on the other side of the telephone line. Jackie tried her best to ignore the Overweight African-American.
Said Jackie, “Hello Neve. Yeah, it’s me. I’m having a very bad day. I got fired from Texas Roadhouse. The bus ride home is filled with morons and weirdos. Keep me company until I reach my apartment. I should’ve spent the night with Mathew.”
******
Chad Ambrose looked at his son Dwight Ambrose. Both men were drinking beer.
Said Chad, “You want to murder Valerie. She has eight women friends and nine male friends. You may need to murder nine women and nine men. Can you go that far?”
Replied Dwight, “I don’t know Daddy.”
“You could photograph all of the intended murder victims. You could post photographs of the intended murder victims above the cash registers at the Soussy Market. Every single murder needs a souvenir. Photographs shall be our souvenir. We’ll use old fashion development cameras. I have film development equipment upstairs. We’ll develop duplicates. One photographs shall be posted above the cash registers of the Soussy Market. We’ll keep the second photograph for ourselves. We’ll create a photograph album of helpless murder victims.”
“I don’t have the courage to murder innocent men and women.”
“You murdered Shama Kahn. You murdered Sumanth Kahn. It’s already too late. You crossed the line.”
“You want me to photograph my murder victims before I kill them? Why?”
“Nobody will connect both of us to the crime. It’s a method of operation that belonged to somebody else.”
Dwight stood up. He walked towards the bathroom. He closed the door. There was a massive clump of toilet paper floating in the toilet. Dwight flushed the toilet. The toilet started to overflow. Dwight shoved the toilet plunger into the toilet. He pushed the toilet plunger back and forth until he was sure the toilet wasn’t blocked. Dwight removed the toilet plunger. He flushed the toilet. The toilet continued to overflow. The puddle of water on the bathroom floor got bigger.
Dwight said, “Daddy, we need to telephone a plumber.”
Dwight shoved the toilet plunger back into the toilet. He pushed the toilet plunger back and forth. He removed the toilet plunger. He flushed the toilet. The toilet continued to overflow. The puddle of water on the bathroom floor got bigger.
******
A drunk drug addicted homeless bum pointed directly at Charlene Jaguar and Mark Gletzer before he vanished. Charlene and Mark never understood his action. They frowned and dismissed it. They stood on what used to be Panini’s Bar and Grill. Now it’s two blocks of mud and dirt on both sides of High Street. The frequently promised but never seen Gateway Shopping Mall project still hasn’t materialized. The two blocks of undeveloped Ohio State University owned dirt is now used as a parking lot for football games. The parking lot uses wasn’t encouraged by the Ohio State University owned Campus Partners.
Mark lovingly kissed Charlene. Charlene smiled. He lovingly fondled her breasts. They kissed a second time. He smiled. She smiled.
Said Mark, “I love you.”
Charlene replied, “I love you too.”
Charlene and Mark kissed again.
Charlene continued, “Look at this place. Will the Campus Partners have get started with this frequently promised but never seen Gateway Shopping Mall project?”
Mark fondled Charlene’s breasts as they kissed. They kissed a second time. He lovingly embraced the girl. They kissed a third time. Charlene held on to Mark even tighter. They kissed. They kissed again. He fondled her breasts as they kissed.
Mark replied, “Ohio State University has classes and foot ball games to focus on. Building a goddamn shopping mall isn’t very high on the list of priorities. It’s almost time for Christmas.”
“I don’t have enough cash to enjoy Christmas Day.”
“You could bake cookies and hand them out.”
Valerie Wooster and Mickey Zevulon loved each other. Mickey spent the night at Valerie’s dormitory room on the twentieth floor of Lincoln Tower Dormitory. Lincoln Tower and Morril Tower were right next to each other. Both buildings were forty floor dormitories. Each floor of Lincoln Tower and Morril Tower were separated into six hand shaped sections. Each hand shaped section had five smaller dormitory rooms with a tiny lounge area built for ten people. Each of the smaller dormitory rooms were only built for two people. There are ten people living in each hand shaped section. Ohio State University students living in either Lincoln Tower or Morril Tower gets a fantastic view of the Ohio State University. Both dormitory towers were the tallest buildings on the Ohio State University campus. Men were not allowed in the women’s hand shaped section on the twentieth floor. Valerie never follows the rules.
Sex was great. He ejaculated inside her body five times. They fell asleep. Valerie started to have dreams. In her dreams, Valerie wore a magic nightgown that was impossible to remove. She stood in a magic hallway. There were no escape from the magic hallway. Dwight Ambrose stood in front of the girl. Dwight kissed Valerie. The girl got weaker each time she was kissed. She finally fell to the floor. She was dying. She was going to die from excessive kissing. Don’t say this previous paragraph out loud. It will be censored. It will be removed.
Valerie rose to her feet. She tried to remain standing. Dwight continued to kiss her. Touch your toes. He can’t kill you from excessive kissing. Valerie was able to stand up with assistance from the wall. She touched her toes. Dwight Ambrose backed away. He shifted from romantic to vengeful. He walked closer to the girl. She once had a safety zone. Her safety zone kept getting smaller. His safety zone kept getting bigger. Dwight was winning. The most implausible thought appeared in her head.
Valerie continued to stretch her muscles by touching her toes. She no longer resembled a plastic action figure doll. She started to resemble an actual flesh and blood girl. Turning a plastic action figure girl into a human being was scaring Dwight. He lost the ability to remain impersonal with Valerie. Valerie did a few more muscle stretching exercises. Valerie started to work up a sweat. Dwight lost interest in first degree manslaughter. He kept walking backwards. He vanished from sight.
Valerie stopped her stretching exercise. She spun around. She was dressed in shorts, a sleeveless tee shirt and track and field shoes. She was standing in the middle of the Ohio State University Horseshoe Arena.
There were six graves in the middle of the Ohio State University Horseshoe Arena. The girl frowned.
Asked Valerie, “The Ohio State University Buckeye football team normally plays in this structure. It’s never used as a graveyard.”
Dwight Ambrose appeared from behind her. He was still dressed in his pajamas.
Dwight said, “First I killed , Mark and Luke. Then I killed Michelle, Neve and Martha. Now I must murder two boys and three girls.”
Said Valerie, “What happens after I die?”
“Then I’ll murder three boys and a girl.”
“Only one girl and two boys are left.”
“Nobody is allowed to survive except for David and myself.”
“Why?”
“You never ask that question when your life is threatened.”
“I don’t want to die in ignorance. Why am I dressed up for a track and field competition.”
“You inflicted the outfit upon yourself. I prefer the nightgown. Nightgowns are more vulnerable.”
“I hate you.”
“I love you. ” Dwight kissed Valerie. He continued, “You must perform the chore. You’re not allowed to go shopping until you perform the chore. Nod your head if you understand me.”
Valerie nodded her head submissively. Dwight roughly kissed Valerie. The girl tried to fight him. She was losing the battle. Her murderer kept getting stronger. Mickey approached Dwight and Valerie. Mickey was dressed in normal street clothing.
Said Mickey, “Leave Valerie alone.”
Said Dwight, “Pardon me, but this is a private session.”
Replied Mickey, “I earned the right to sleep here tonight. I won’t repeat myself. Go away!”
Said Dwight, “Pardon me Valerie, but Mickey must be shown to his automobile. Then we’ll return to our private session without interruption.”
Said Valerie, “I lost the ability to fight Dwight. You must fight for me Mickey.”
Dana spun around. She was still dressed in track shoes, shorts and a sleeveless tee shirt. She was on the fourteenth floor of Morril Tower. Tables were knocked over in defensive positions. There were twenty dead girls lying on the floor. A twenty-first girl was barely alive. The twenty-first murder victim looked exactly like Valerie.
Whispered the Twenty-First Murder Victim, “We tried to hide behind the tables. One of the girls lost a roll of lifesavers candies. All twenty girls had to risk their lives to retrieve the Lifesavers candies. He claimed the lost Lifesavers roll when he fired a laser beam from his wrist watch. I’m dying. I failed. I’m sorry.”
Whispered Valerie, “I’m going to murder that asshole.”
Whispered the Twenty-First Murder Victim, “Dwight Ambrose didn’t murder me.”
Valerie stood over a clone replica of herself. She stood up. A third variation of Valerie entered the room. The third variation was a senior citizen version. The Elderly Valerie sent a death ray laser beam into thirty-four year old Valerie’s vagina with her laser beam wrist watch.
Valerie Wooster woke up. She was back in the waking world. It was one o’clock in the morning. Her roommate Martha Atkins was naked in bed with Michael Sexton. Valerie Wooster was naked in bed with Mickey Zevulon. She was still startled by her nightmare. She faced Mickey. He gradually woke up. They lovingly kissed.
Asked Mickey, “How are you feeling?”
Said Valerie, “Remind me not to drank alcohol before going to bed. Did you have the same dream?”
“Pardon me?”
“Never mind. I feel terrible. Dwight haunts me when I’m awake. He haunts me when I’m asleep. He’s going to wear me out with his frequent death threats. I must do something. Can I take this to a courtroom? I could sue Dwight Ambrose for sexual harassment. I could file a restraining order against Dwight. Will I get much money from a civil lawsuit?”
”I don’t know. I’m not an expert in law.”
“I’m not an expert either.”
“Will I end up in jail if I shot him? Can I plead innocent? I killed Dwight in self defense?”
“I don’t know either. I hate uncertainty.”
Valerie and Mickey lovingly kissed. Mickey entered Valerie’s body. They lovingly kissed again.
Whispered Valerie, “How long was Martha and Michael having sex in this room. They were not here before we fell asleep. Do I talk in my sleep? If so, did they listen to my nightmare before falling asleep? How was it possible for us to sleep through Martha and Michael’s sexual intercourse scene?”
Whispered Mickey, “We didn’t wake them. I can ejaculate inside you without waking them.” ”
They lovingly kissed again. He fondled her breasts. They kissed. They kissed a third time. His hands moved from her breasts to her vagina. They kissed. He ejaculated inside her. They kissed before their bodies separated. His naked body was inches away from her naked body. She looked directly at him.
“We should always wake up with this much passion for each other. Do I lack ambition? Do I lack sexual desire. Am I icy, unemotional and uncreative?”
“I’m going to beat up Dwight Ambrose. Don’t let him mess around with your head.”
“Maybe Dwight is correct. I lack sexual desire. I’m a loser and I’m blocking progress.”
“You’re a wonderful girl. I love you.”
They lovingly kissed. They lovingly kissed again. He entered her body. They kissed. He fondled her breasts. They kissed. She ran her fingers through his hair. They kissed. He ejaculated inside her body. Martha woke up. Mickey exited Valerie’s body.
Martha grumbled, “Get a fucking room guys. We’re in a fucking college dormitory. It’s too early in the morning to become neurotic. Go back to sleep.”
Said Valerie, “Sorry, I’ve gone for three days without sex.”
Said Mickey, “Valerie and I will try to be quiet.”
Asked Michael, “What’s going on?”
Said Martha, “Valerie and Mickey’s sexual intercourse was louder than our sexual intercourse.”
Said Michael, “That isn’t fair. We should try harder to be more erotic.”
Said Martha, “Good night. It’s still late at night? It’s hard to tell. You guys carry on with so much noise.”
Valerie snuggled closer to Mickey. They fell asleep. Martha snuggled closer to Michael. They fell asleep. The warm summer breeze blew through the open college dormitory window. Martha’s eyes slowly opened. She looked at Michael. She smiled. Martha and Michael lovingly kissed. They kissed again.
Whispered Martha, “It was cruel to slam the brakes on Valerie’s lovemaking with Mickey. They were having so much fun.”
Whispered Michael, “We’ll make it quick and silent.”
Whispered Martha, “There’s nothing silent about having an orgasm with you inside me.”
Whispered Michael, “It’s a beautiful morning. Nobody noticed that I’m sleeping here tonight. I’m in love with you. It’s worth trying.”
Whispered Martha, “I love you too. Yes, let’s do it.”
Michael and Martha kissed again. He entered her body. They kissed again. She kissed his arm. He kissed two inches above her left breast. He kissed her neck. He ejaculated inside her. Martha and Michael kissed.
Said Valerie, “Will the two of you please shut up. Mickey and I are trying to sleep.”
Michael exited Martha’s body.
Said Martha, “Sorry, I have gone for two days without sexual intercourse.”
Said Valerie, “You’re such a fucking show off.”
Dana Zevulon wore casual bicycle riding attire. She also wore wire framed eyeglasses as she peddled her bicycle towards the Value City Arena. She was stopped on the intersection of High Street and Woodruff Avenue by a homeless bum. The bum pulled the girl closer to the sidewalk
Said the Homeless Bum, “I ‘m from an alternative reality.”
Replied Dana, “That’s nice. I don’t have money to donate. Bye.”
The Homeless Bum stood in front of Dana.
Dana added, “What’s your fucking problem?”
Replied the Homeless Bum, “What’s the matter? He’s not sexy enough? You’re so picky.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The man was under your nose. You never noticed him. He tried to be sexy. You never responded.”
“I’m late for gymnastics practice Alternative Reality Boy. Get out of my way.”
“He tried to be sexy. You never responded. What is your fucking problem?”
“Are you a drug addict? You’re incoherent again. What are you talking about?”
“He tried to be sexy. You never responded. He was sad. He started to cry.”
“You’re incoherent guilt trip is impressive. Get out of my way.”
“I’m from an alternative reality. It’s hard to reach the alternative reality version of you. You’re a wealthy gymnastics champion. You won the gold medal in the Olympic Games of 1984. You continued to win Olympic Gymnastics Competitions in 1988 and 1992. You drove a expensive sports car off a cliff. You needed plastic surgery. You’re physical appearance was drastically altered. You lived the life of a reclusive genius. Then you emerged to win another Olympic Gymnastics Games in 2000. You set your own mansion on fire. You ended up setting the entire city of Malibu, California on fire too. You were never arrested for arson. You had sex with nearly every man living in California. You have lived in California for the past twenty years. You were greedy and corrupt. You had no friends. You were un unsympathetic bitch in my alternative reality.”
“Is your alternative reality travel machine nearby?”
FOUR
The following was undisputed truth. Madora Kahn was in love with Canton Guipa. Valerie Wooster was in love with Mickey Zevulon. Michelle Kenton was in love with Larry Burton. Neve Church was in love with Luke Kenton. Heather Mansfield was in love with Jon Kenton. Charlene Jaguar was in love with Mark Gletzer. Jackie Shafer was in love with Matthew Koberna. Martha Atkins was in love with Michael Sexton. Dana Zevulon was in love with Roger Myers.
******
The weather was schizophrenic Saturday afternoon on May 4, 2002. The intersection of High Street and Tenth Street to the intersection of High Street and Twelfth Street was torn down. Two entire city blocks was ripped to shreds. Or rather, half of the ride side of the street was ripped apart. The Spot Bar was the first to be destroyed. There was a huge pile of bricks and twisted steel to commemorate the remains of the Spot Bar. A massive metal fence surrounded two entire city blocks. Both sides of High Street was surrounded by a massive metal fence. It was the largest demolition contract on the Ohio State University campus.
Dana Zevulon, Roger Myers, Luke Kenton, Jon Kenton, Michael Sexton, Neve Church, Valerie Wooster, Martha Atkins, Mickey Zevulon, Madora Kahn, Heather Mansfield, Canton Guipa, Matthew Koberna and Jackie Shafer watched the demolition trucks. They stood in front of the 7-11 across from the tattered remains of the Spot Bar. Everybody was drinking coffee. The coffee was purchased at the Taco Bell next door to 7-11.
Said Madora, “I’m a victim of expectations I could never satisfy. I could barely hold a minimum wage job. What possible good could I perform that nobody else is able to perform.”
Said Jon, “MTV was holding auditions for their television series The Real World in the Spot Bar.”
Said Luke, “MTV’s brief presence wasn’t enough to delay the Campus Partners. They want to build the Gateway Shopping Mall in the same area. The Campus Partners finally won.”
Said Matthew, “I know the homeless and drunks from the black ghetto on Summit Street is a problem. You don’t need to tear down two entire city blocks. That area used to be cool in the 1960's. It was home for all sorts of cool laid back hippies.”
Said Luke, “Does anybody remember what Columbus, Ohio was like before nineteen ninety?”
Said Roger, “How would you know? Half of us were babies in the 1960's. The other half wasn’t born yet. Albert DeSantis used to own the two block property in the 1980's. He was thrown in jail for tax evasion. He was forced to sell his assets to repay his taxes. The Campus Partners took over.”
Said Neve, “There were at least two great record stores and four good restaurants in that two block section.
Where will I get my gyro sandwiches now?”
Said Mickey, “The Campus Partners are even dumber than Albert DeSantis. The Campus Partners have enough cash to renovate the black ghetto on Summit Street. The black ghetto is only two blocks away. The Campus Partners are building a shopping mall instead. I’m surprised the blacks on Summit Street isn’t rioting.”
Asked Canton, “The Hippies used to operate the Ohio State University section of High Street in the 1960's. Albert DeSantis operated the Ohio State University section of High Street in the 1980's. The Campus Partner are running the Ohio State University section of High Street today. Is that correct?”
Replied Roger, “How would I know?”
Said Luke, “I hate fast food coffee. There’s a better cappuccino bar further down High Street.”
Said Matthew, “I’ve been waiting five years for this moment. I certainly won’t miss it.”
Said Luke, “I’ll miss the underground record stores in that area.”
Said Matthew, “The record stores didn’t go out of business. They simply relocated. Only the taverns are going out of business.” Matthew faced Valerie. He asked, “Where is your buddy? What’s his name? Why do I keep forgetting it? Dwight Ambrose? Yes. Where is Dwight Ambrose?”
Replied Valerie, “He’s repairing his bicycle tire. He was insane. He tried to murder me. He tried to murder Martha too. He always been a problem. He have gotten crazier.”
Said Martha, “Valerie always talked about Dwight. I actually met him.”
Said Neve, “Dwight Ambrose doesn’t look like a dork. Why does he act like a dork?”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose was obsessed with delusions. He claimed that he had the chance to be my boyfriend. He wants to be my first and only boyfriend. Most of my ex-boyfriends were girly men. It was hard to find a date because Dwight always made racket.”
Said Dana, “Tie up Dwight and leave him in his underwear on Summit Street. He won’t last long.”
Said Heather, “Don’t do that. You’d fulfill a sick sexual daydream.”
Said Roger, “File a restraining order.”
Said Jackie, “Valerie already tried that approach.”
Said Dana, “Valerie could murder Dwight in self-defense.”
Said Valerie, “I tried that in the Graceland Shopping Mall.”
Said Canton, “Dwight Ambrose would’ve been set on fire back in Bangladesh. He could be nailed for failure to commit to marriage.” Canton paused for a few seconds. He added, “That won’t work. Suppose he has enough cash for a dowery?”
Said Madora, “You keep getting the genders confused.”
Asked Canton, “Why are you a victim of expectations you can’t fulfill?”
Said Madora, “It’s my fault if every single slasher film fails. I’m supposed to have a telepathic link to every single rock star currently on tour.”
Said Canton, “I’m sorry, but you lost me. Maybe it’s the alcohol speaking.”
Dwight Ambrose rode his bicycle towards the group. He halted his bicycle. He got off. He walked towards Valerie. Canton and Mickey got in the way.
Said Dwight, “Let me talk to my girlfriend.”
Said Luke, “Go away!”
Said Dwight, “I’ll be brief. I know we had the chance to be husband and wife. I only needed to improve my photography skills. My photography talent never improved. I was much more interested in working as a cash register clerk in a fast food restaurant. My obsession with the cash register in a fast food restaurant became humiliating. I apologize. I’ll never run the cash register in a fast food restaurant anymore. I’ll focus more on photographs and less on fast food cuisine. Will you marry me?”
Replied Valerie, “You tried to murder me.”
Said Dwight, “I have a camera. I’m going to take photographs. No more fast food restaurant cash register. Marry me and you’ll survive. Reject my wedding proposal and you’ll die. This is your last chance to survive.” Dwight Ambrose faced Dana Zevulon. He frowned. Continued Dwight, “I know you. You used to work for Kroger Grocery Store on Bethel Road. You were employed for three years and four months. You were fired for sexual harassment. You wasted eight hundred dollars in Kroger health insurance on wire framed eyeglasses.”
Said Dana, “I’m legally blind without eyeglasses. Would you feel better if I got contact lenses.”
Replied Dwight, “You miss the point. Using Kroger health insurance for eyeglasses and contact lenses is no good. It’s a pathetic waste of economic resources.”
Said Dana, “My eyeglasses is none of your business your nickel and dime loser. What will you do if I used Kroger health insurance for a trip to the dentist before I got fired? Will you kick my goddamn teeth in?”
Said Dwight, “Kroger on Bethel Road should’ve fired you for sexual harassment after your first year of employment. You should be arrested for sexual harassment. I never been so insulted by a woman’s presence. My efforts to masturbate is always foiled by Valerie’s wickedness.”
Said Valerie, “Please don’t let me interrupt your masturbation.”
Seven girls and seven guys watched another wall of the Spot Bar crash to the ground. The entire city block gradually crashed to the ground. Charlene Jaguar and Mark Gletzer approached the group.
Said Charlene, “Hello everybody. What is Dwight Ambrose doing here.”
Said Luke, “Dwight was about to leave.”
Asked Charlene, “Oh, I get it. Dwight Ambrose was your roommate in the lunatic asylum.”
Said Luke, “I wish you would stop talking about it.”
Said Charlene, “I’m your ex-wife. Ex-wives are supposed to be annoying.”
Asked Mark, “That’s your ex-husband?”
Replied Charlene, “That’s my ex-husband.”
Asked Dwight, “I don’t care about your sex life.”
Said Charlene, “Good. I never asked you. Go away Dwight.”
Screamed Dwight, “I quit my job. I shall only use my photography skills for pornographic artwork. I’m reaching the peak of my existence.”
Asked Charlene, “That’s was Luke Kenton’s reason for divorcing me. Are you sure Luke wasn’t your roommate at the lunatic asylum?”
Said Valerie, “I liked you better when you had full time employment. I hate you! Go away!”
Screamed Dwight, “You’re going to die bitch! Your friends are going to die! I want revenge!”
Dwight walked towards his bicycle. Michelle Kenton and her boyfriend Larry Burton stood in the way. Dwight tried to walk around Michelle and Larry. Michelle and Larry continued to block his path.
Continued Dwight, “What’s your problem lady?”
Replied Michelle, “Do you want to know what my problem is? I want chocolate flavored tooth paste. I would like to have a sexual orgasm on a bicycle. I had a dream last night. I was giving my pet hamster a highly sexual makeup application. The hamster’s name was Dwight Ambrose.”
Said Luke, “You don’t have a pet hamster eldest sister.”
Said Jon, “You dream about chocolate flavored toothpaste? My eldest sister isn’t a drug addict.”
Replied Michelle, “I’m in the mood for free form expression.”
Said Larry, “Michelle and I can’t stay long. We noticed your thrilling conversation with Dwight.”
Said Valerie, “I’m trying to get rid of this moron.”
Said Michelle, “That’s not fair. Larry and I just arrived. How many times have Dwight ejaculated on his bicycle? One? Two? More than two?”
Said Dwight, “Get out of the way Michelle.”
Said Michelle, “I’m trying to talk about sexual orgasms on a bicycle.”
Hissed Dwight, “Get out of the fucking way.”
Dwight shoved Michelle out of the way. He got on his bicycle. He peddled away.
Said Michelle, “Wait Dwight, don’t leave me. I want to talk to you about sexual orgasms. Come back.”
Michelle got on her bicycle. She peddled after Dwight. Larry followed close behind.
Said Luke, “I’m back on welfare Valerie. I’m stalking innocent women with my camera. Marry me.”
Said Valerie, “Shut up Luke. That isn’t funny.”
Said Luke, “Dwight Ambrose is an asshole. I’m going to murder him.”
Said Valerie, “Calm down Luke. Mindless violence isn’t going to help us.”
Said Luke, “Mindless violence is going to make me feel better.”
Said Charlene, “Never talk about mindless violence to your ex-wife. You’ll regret it.”
Said Luke, “Back off Charlene. I never laid a finger on you.”
Said Madora, “Relax Luke. Relax Charlene. We’re on the same side. Dwight Ambrose will thank us if we kill each other off before he arrives.”
Said Dana, “I’m having a weird thought in my head.”
Asked Mickey, “What sort of thought?”
Dana looked at her brother. She frowned. She replied, “Suppose The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones contained a secret coded message. Only I and anybody close to me could decode the secret message. What will happen if a fail to decode the secret coded message in both of those films.”
Replied Mickey, “The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones was a direct sequel to Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi was released by Twentieth Century Fox between 1977 to 1983. You walked away from women’s gymnastics during a crucial Pre-Olympic Championship. You ended up working for Blockbuster Rental Store and attending classes at Ohio State University. You have done nothing related to women’s gymnastics for the past twenty years.”
Asked Dana, “What about the secret coded message?”
Replied Mickey, “Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi have been pretty damn useless. Have you succeeded in decoding the secret messages in those films?”
Asked Michael, “Excuse me Dana and Mickey, but are you guys on drugs?”
Replied Dana, “I”m not on drugs.”
Said Mickey, “I’m not on drugs.”
Replied Michael, “Stop acting like you’re on drugs.”
Added Luke, “Yeah man, you’re so fucking scary.”
******
The Biologic Science Greenhouse was built on the seventh floor of Parking Garage K. It was close to the intersection of Neil and Twelfth Avenue. Six girls was murdered in the Biologic Science Greenhouse. The villains responsible were now legally dead. Seven girls and seven guys paid a visit. It was mostly due to curiosity.
Dana Zevulon, Roger Myers, Charlene Jaguar, Mark Gletzer, Luke Kenton, Jon Kenton, Michael Sexton, Neve Church, Valerie Wooster, Martha Atkins, Mickey Zevulon, Madora Kahn, Heather Mansfield, Canton Guipa, Matthew Koberna and Jackie Shafer walked across the sixth floor of Parking Garage K. They stood on the very spot where a defenseless girl was struck dead by a car.
Said Michael, “I don’t get it. What’s the point?”
Said Madora, “I’m the only survivor. It helps improve my peace of mind. You don’t need to accompany.”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose has nothing to do with last year’s bloodbath. We’re dealing with a different criminal with a different motive.”
Said Madora, “I was raped and nearly murdered. My nightmare began in this parking garage. It ended in the underground subways of New York City. I was told to place a laser beam wrist watch down my pants. One of the MTV Serial Killers place a laser beam wrist watch down his pants. We spun each other around. He spun me to the ground. The laser beam wrist watch didn’t work right. The laser beam struck my vagina, but it only stopped my heart. I suffered a heart attack at age thirty. I needed heart surgery. My chest has heart surgery scares.”
Said Valerie, ”Everybody in the MTV Serial Murder Gang is dead. Dwight Ambrose is different.”
Said Madora, “I wasn’t there when the first six girls were killed. I witnessed twenty-three murders later.”
Said Valerie, “Give it a fucking rest.”
Said Madora, “You won’t object to a visit if the MTV Serial Murder Gang is truly dead.”
Said Mickey, “The guys are reliable Valerie. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
Said Dana, “Getting struck by a car is a painful way to die.”
Said Madora, “The dead girl who died on this exact spot was lucky. Other girls were killed by circular chain saws. I never understood what chain saws had to do with MTV.”
Said Canton, “You don’t need to walk further.”
Said Madora, “I need to walk further.”
Mark pulled Luke aside. Mark asked, “Did you physically abuse your ex-wife.”
Replied Luke, “I loved Charlene. I would never hurt her. I was too busy hurting myself. I went from blue jeans and plaid shirts to dressing up like Elvis during his Las Vegas era. It was sad.”
Said Charlene, “I still have photographs of your idiotic wardrobe era.”
Said Luke, “Please don’t show those photographs to anybody.”
Said Charlene, “I’ll show the photographs to my boyfriend Mark.”
Said Mark, “Only an idiot would divorce a sexy woman like Charlene.”
Said Luke, “Don’t remind me.”
Canton placed his hand on Madora’s left shoulder. The seven girl and seven guy group walked up a flight of stairs. They entered the Botanical Science Greenhouse on the seventh floor of Parking Garage K. The seventh floor wasn’t deserted. Ohio State University students were working with their horticulture experiments. The seven girl and seven guy group walked into the largest greenhouse on the seventh floor.
Said Dana, “I just arrived. I don’t know anything about the MTV Serial Murder Gang.”
Replied Madora, “There were more than one. They were a bunch of idiots. They wanted to make love to Gwyneth Paltrow on the MTV series The Real World. They insisted that murdering as many girls as possible would improve Gwyneth Paltrow’s opinion of them. Dante Siou was the leader. He’s legally dead. I need some peace of mind. I need to know that it’s finally over.”
Said Luke, “I hope your near death experience won’t poison your opinion of the United States?”
Replied Madora, “Worse horrors wait for me back home in Bangladesh.”
Madora walked towards a small pond in the seventh floor cluster of greenhouses. She dipped her left hand into the pond. The water was cold. The girl smiled.
Continued Madora, “This place should be a place of beauty. It shouldn’t be a place of inescapable horror.”
Asked Jon, “You survived because somebody didn’t recharge the batteries of a laser beam wrist watch.”
Said Madora, “Everything runs out of energy sooner or later. I’ll take whatever salvation is offered.”
Said Neve, “I heard about a woman named Sohina Patel? What happened to her?”
Replied Madora, “Her head was sliced off. It barely held together by a tiny fragment of bone. Her head finally fell off near a trash dumpster. Bnue Patel and Surreish Patel suffered similar fates near a trash dumpster. Their dead bodies were tossed inside. The trash dumpster had compaction functions. It’s a painful way to die.”
Replied Neve, “I’m sorry I asked.”
Said Madora, “Everybody I knew last year is dead.”
Madora removed her hand from the pond.
Said Valerie, “You suffered too much. I had no right to drag you into my problems. I could resolve my conflict with Dwight Ambrose without your help.”
Said Madora, “I’m your friend. He’ll attempt to murder me too. I’m already involved.”
Said Martha, “I don’t watch MTV much. I love the music video Shaggy did with the Rolling Stones. The collaboration between Shaggy and the Rolling Stones was cool. They should collaborate more often.”
Said Matthew, “I never knew about the collaboration between Shaggy and the Rolling Stones. How many songs did they record together?”
Said Jackie, “What do you know about Dwight Ambrose?”
Replied Valerie, “He wants me to wear a nightgown to a weird looking boat. He never gave me an address. He wants to throw a swimming pool party on board the weird looking boat. Dwight will meet me on the boat. I’ll be arrested for drug abuse and drug possession. I’ll be put on trial and executed.”
Asked Martha, “Are you supposed to go swimming in your nightgown? Are you supposed to wear a swimming suit? At one point are you supposed to take your nightgown off and your swimming suit on? At what point are you supposed to take your swimming suit off and your nightgown back on? Will Dwight Ambrose put you on trial alone? Will he put you on trial with his friends.”
Said Valerie, ”Dwight Ambrose doesn’t have any friends. He’s a loner.”
Asked Martha, “Look around you Valerie. There’s nothing but dry land in Columbus, Ohio. The only body of water in Columbus, Ohio are two or three rivers. None of the rivers are deep or wide enough for a weird looking boat with a swimming pool inside.”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose is being metaphorical again.”
Said Martha, “Dwight Ambrose is a moron. We don’t need metaphors. We need specific information. Fortune cookie death threats is so fucking lame.”
Said Charlene, “Don’t get so angry. Fortune cookie death threats is fine. Be thankful that you’re not threatened by a professional rape victimizer.”
Said Mark, “A man isn’t a rape victimizer until he actually rapes a girl.”
Said Charlene, “He wants to rape Valerie on a weird looking boat.”
Said Mark, “Dwight’s geography is inept. There’s nothing but dry land in Columbus, Ohio.”
Said Canton, “Who cares about logic when you’re angry.”
Said Mark, “I’m not angry and I care about logic.”
Said Roger, “The Santa Maria is the only weird looking boat in Columbus, Ohio. The Santa Maria replica is parked on the Scioto River. It isn’t big enough for a swimming pool. It’s only open for tours in the summer. I’m not sure if you could rent it for parties. Renting the Santa Maria replica for parties has to be very expensive.”
Said Martha, “Having a party on a boat large enough to have a swimming pool is expensive. We’re stuck in the upper lower class. Where are you going to find the cash in such a short notice.”
Said Heather, “Dwight Ambrose is a coward. Good for him. We’ll stay alive longer.”
Said Martha, “I won’t go swimming in my nightgown. I’d rather wear a swimming suit.”
Said Heather, “You have no sense of style. Every cool chick goes swimming in her nightgown.”
Said Martha, “I’ll only go swimming in my nightgown if I’m making love or running for my life.”
Asked Canton, “Where did you get this information Valerie?”
Replied Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose left a posting on my Internet web site.”
Said Martha, “The information Dwight Ambrose gave you is useless. There’s nothing but dry land in Columbus. The Scioto River, the Ollentangy River and Alum Creek are the only rivers in this God forsaken city. None of the rivers are wide enough or deep enough for a boat with a built in swimming pool. Columbus, Ohio once was called a cow town. Do you know why? Columbus, Ohio used to have a lot of farms and cow pastures. Why don’t Dwight Ambrose start using farming metaphors or shut up? Look, I’m sorry if Titanic was the number one film of the year. Titanic has no relevance in a city that doesn’t have a significant body of water.”
Said Jon, “Ease up Martha. Idiocy isn’t illegal.”
Screamed Martha, “Why doesn’t anybody do a version of Titanic that’s set in a farming town without water? Our lives would be a hell of a lot easier. Is everybody on this planet a fucking dipstick?”
Said Jon, “Chill out Martha. Screaming like a psychopath isn’t going to help us.”
Said Martha, “Screaming like a psychopath will make me feel better.”
Said Dana, “Is Dwight Ambrose accusing you of sexual harassment?”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose wants to murder me because I punched him in the face in 1983. He tried to pick me up. I responded with violence. Dwight Ambrose isn’t able to handle rejection.”
Asked Jon, “How many times were you attacked Valerie?”
Replied Valerie, “All I got was twenty years of empty promises to murder me. Dwight Ambrose attack against me in the Graceland Shopping Mall was his first attempt to murder me.”
Asked Canton, “This is stupid. How long do we need to stand outside the Santa Maria?”
Replied Madora, “Speak for yourself babe. I won’t spend the entire day standing outside the Santa Maria. There’s better uses for my valuable time.”
Said Valerie, “I already filed a restraining order against this guy. I would throw a temper tantrum if it would help get my side of the story across. Dwight is a moron. He’ll never listen to my side of the story.”
Said Roger, “I would tell you to ignore Dwight if it wasn’t for the attempted murder. You shouldn’t go anywhere without a male escort.”
Said Valerie, “I wasn’t alone.”
Said Roger, “Martha is a girl. She’ll be useless against Dwight.”
Said Martha, “Thanks a lot.”
Said Roger, “Dwight nearly killed you too. You can’t walk outside without a male escort either.”
Said Valerie, “Martha and I can’t spend the rest of our lives living in fear.”
Asked Matthew, “We saw Madora Kahn’s crime scene. What are we going to do now? Are we going to see the Santa Maria? Should we forget Dwight Ambrose and get drunk instead?”
Said Jackie, “It’s May. The Santa Maria is closed. It’s too early in the afternoon to get drunk.”
Asked Valerie, “Pardon?”
Asked Jackie, “What time should you reach this secret rendevous Dwight Ambrose set up for you?”
Replied Valerie, “Five o’clock tomorrow morning.”
Said Jackie, “We’re screwed. Let’s try something else instead.”
******
Dana Zevulon, Roger Myers, Charlene Jaguar, Mark Gletzer, Luke Kenton, Jon Kenton, Michael Sexton, Neve Church, Valerie Wooster, Martha Atkins, Mickey Zevulon, Madora Kahn, Heather Mansfield, Canton Guipa, Matthew Koberna, Jackie Shafer, Michelle Kenton and Larry Burton were allowed to enter the Value City Arena on Ollentangy River Road. Cindy Donner was already dressed in a track suit. It took twenty minutes for Dana, Charlene, Neve, Valerie, Martha, Madora, Heather, Jackie and Michelle to get dressed in their Ohio State University women’s volleyball team uniforms. Cindy stood near the bleachers with Roger, Mark, Luke, Jon, Michael, Mickey, Canton, Mathew and Larry.
Said Cindy, “So the Ohio State University Women’s Volleyball Team is doing better than the Ohio State University Men’s Volleyball Team?”
Said Larry, “I’m not ready to admit that women are physically better than men. It’s been a rough season. The Ohio State University Men’s Volleyball Team will make the playoffs next year.”
Asked Cindy, “How many guys on the team are seniors?”
Said Larry, “All nine of us are either Freshmen or Sophmores.”
Said Canton, “Normally we wouldn’t be watching the women practice.”
Said Cindy, “Yeah, I noticed. What’s going on?”
Said Canton, “Some dork have been stalking Valerie since junior high school in 1980.”
Said Jon, “This is sounding so much like that stupid film. What’s it called again?”
Replied Luke, “Valentine?”
Replied Jon, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Said Mark, “I don’t know why Jon watches horror films. Most of those films are crap.”
Said Jon, “Horror films are better than soap operas.”
Said Mathew, “Horror films and soap operas are both stupid.”
Said Mickey, “Maybe Jon should watch films that are more sports orientated.”
Said Jon, “You don’t understand fine art.”
Said Mark, “Horror films isn’t considered art. Men in horror films are wimps.”
Said Michael, “Doesn’t anybody watch action films anymore?”
Said Luke, “Michael has a point. Why isn’t anybody watching action films anymore.”
Said Roger, “I’m willing to watch any action film that stars Angelina Jole.”
Said Canton, “I’m going to kick your ass if you’ve seen Girl Interupted.”
Said Roger, “Of course I never saw Girl Interupted. What type of guy do you think I am?”
Asked Cindy, “If a deranged stalker is on the loose, is anybody going to escort me home?”
Said Mark, “Yeah, we’ll make sure you get home safely.”
Dana, Charlene, Neve, Valerie, Martha, Madora, Heather, Jackie and Michelle exited the women’s locker room. Madora Kahn embraced and kissed Canton Guipa. Valerie Wooster embraced and kissed Mickey Zevulon. Michelle Kenton embraced and kissed Larry Burton. Neve Church embraced and kissed Luke Kenton. Heather Mansfield embraced and kissed Jon Kenton. Charlene Jaguar embraced and kissed Mark Gletzer. Jackie Shafer embraced and kissed Mathew Korberna. Martha Atkins embraced and kissed Michael Sexton. Dana Zevulon embraced and kissed Roger Myers.
Dana asked, “I hope we didn’t keep you waiting too long.”
Replied Roger, “It’s fine. I don’t mind waiting.”
Said Martha, “We appreciate you guys watching out for us.”
Said Luke, “Hey, that’s what we’re here for.”
Said Michelle, “We should make reservations for nineteen people at a restaurant after practice.”
Said Charlene, “Some of us have stuff to do after practice. But I’ll take a raincheck.”
Asked Michelle, “You’re not suggesting that we split up after practice? It would be easier for Dwight to hunt us down one by one.”
Said Canton, “Some of us have classes to attend. Besides, you showed enough bravery to split from the group to chase after Dwight.”
Said Michelle, “Temporary insanity. It won’t happen again.”
Said Jackie, “So the Ohio State Men’s Volleyball Team is falling behind.”
Said Larry, “Cindy was talking to us about it while you were changing.”
Said Cindy, “The men also told me how much they hate watching Girl Interupted.”
Said Jackie, “That’s heresy.”
Said Canton, “Not from my perspective.”
Said Jackie, “Hey Madora, you’re not going to let Canton get away with this attitude.”
Said Madora, “Canton has a mind of his own.”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose is my problem. I’m sorry I dragged you guys into it.”
Said Dana, “I’m not going to let you suffer without enjoying friendship.”
Said Mickey, “Dana is right. You need to defend yourself with more aggression.”
Said Heather, “What would be your proposed resolution to your twenty year feud with Dwight? Are you going to hide in the desert with nobody to talk to accept a few lizards?”
Said Neve, “Everybody has one hundred years to accomplish everything. Don’t squander it.”
Said Cindy, “Hey ladies, it would be nice to stand around and flirt with the men all night. However, we still have volleyball practice. Let’s get started.”
The men watched as Cindy, Dana, Charlene, Neve, Valerie, Martha, Madora, Heather, Jackie and Michelle ran towards the center of the Value City Arena. Cindy lead the women towards preliminary stretching exercises. The stretching exercises were followed by a few laps around the arena. Volleyballs were removed from their containers. The women walked towards the volleyball net.
Said Larry, “Watching women exercising is erotic.”
Said Jon, “It depends what position they’re in when exercising.”
Canton said with a smile, “It also depends on if the women are wearing a bra.”
******
Chad Ambrose was frustrated. He spent the entire day sleeping on his bed. He was either asleep or he indulged in masturbation. His underwear was soaked in male sperm when the clock reached three o’clock. He always masturbate in his underwear. Chad wasn’t able to find a date. Every single girl he met was either dating somebody else or a lesbian. Chad wasn’t ashamed of his status as Columbus’s unluckiest bachelor. Getting hitched to a girl would disrupt his valuable masturbation schedule. There were a sound from the kitchen. Chad Ambrose scrawled into his clothing. He approached his son Dwight Ambrose.
Asked Chad, “How many girls have you murdered?”
Replied Dwight, “I didn’t murder anybody.”
“That’s terrible. I’m ashamed of you.”
“There were eight girls and eight boys. They were clustered together in a very tight group.
I couldn’t possible break up the group without one or two wandering off. Nobody showed up at the top secret rendevous I established for Valerie.”
”Did you tell Valerie where the top secret rendevous is located?”
“No.”
“How could you expect Valerie to arrive if she doesn’t know where to go?”
“I dropped a reference to the film Titanic.”
“That’s a pointless waste of time. There’s nothing but dry land in Columbus, Ohio.”
“Shut up Dad.”
“Look, you want to murder some girls. I want you to murder some girls. I can offer useful advice. I killed your Mom. I got away with it. I know where you could hide a corpse. Come on Son, let’s talk strategy.”
******
Love was in the air for Charlene Jaguar and Mark Gletzer. There was no doubt in either of their minds. They wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. They even talked about losing their virginity together. They walked along the intersection of High Street and Ninth Avenue. Everything from the intersection of High Street and Ninth Street to the intersection of High Street and Twelfth Street was going to be torn down. The Campus Partners wanted to build the Gateway Shopping Mall on the two block section of High Street. One side of the two block section have been torn down. The other side was partially set up for demolition.
Panini’s Bar and Grill was on the intersection of High Street and Ninth Avenue. It have been closed down by the Campus Partners. Somebody forced open the lock. It was possible for anybody to walk in the tattered remains of Panini’s Bar and Grill. There wasn’t a chain link fence in front of Panini’s Bar and Grill. Anything was still possible. Charlene and Mark walked inside Panini’s Bar and Grill.
Asked Charlene, “I never visited this bar when it was open. Why visit it when it’s closed forever?”
Asked Mark, “Don’t you have any curiosity about this deceased bar?”
Replied Charlene, “It once served pizza and beer. It was a scruffy hole in the wall. I don’t car about anything else.”
Electricity and running water no longer functioned. Half of the bar stools were ripped off. Trash was carelessly dumped on the floor. There were two pizza boxes, metal spatulas and a broom tossed with the rest of the trash. Tiny plastic pizza sauce cups were tossed on the floor, a few tables and the pizza service counter. A trashed cash register lay in pieces on the floor. The plastic menu was shattered and scattered on the floor. A clear plastic beer jug was nearby Charlene’s foot. She kicked the empty clear plastic beer jug aside. A rusted Pepsi can lay nearby a rusted Coke can. Charlene walked towards the trash littered pizza counter.
Continued Charlene, “Bad things happen when alcoholic girls get drunk and take Codeine! Love and kisses, Sixty Four East 17th Avenue Prostitutes.”
Asked Mark, “Pardon?”
“I’m reading the weird messages that were written on the walls in magic marker. The least they could do is scribble this garbage on the bathroom walls.”
“Panini’s Bar and Grill management didn’t seem to mind the magic marker wall graffiti.”
“Panini’s Bar and Grill is gone forever. Management must’ve screwed up. You can’t pick up a goddamn pizza without reading insulting anti-feminist trash on the goddamn walls. You pick up the pizza on one end of the restaurant. You pick up the beer on the opposite end. The dinning room is tiny. Rush hour must’ve been a pain.”
“There’s a staircase leading to the basement. Do you know what’s in the basement?”
“A telephone, the manager’s office and the employee break room. The fucking light switch no longer works. It’s too dark down there. The Campus Partners could chain up this store and tear it down any minute. We’ll be stuck in the basement with debris falling on top of us.”
“I want to know what’s in the basement.”
“Some secrets are better left hidden. Maybe there are sixty four dead prostitutes down there in the fucking basement. Maybe there’s more trash and debris. We should’ve showed up on the last day of business. Not when it’s about to be torn down. What are we doing here?”
They walked towards a large puddle in the middle of the dinning room. The roof was crumbling. The ceiling lamps were crushed and rusted. Beer signs were smashed to bits. Mark walked towards the kitchen. He looked over the pizza counter at the dinning room. Charlene was looking at the dusty tables. The kitchen was stripped bare of it’s ovens and stoves. Functioning beer taps were already gone. An outdated IBM computer was smashed on the floor of the kitchen. Mark returned to the dinning room.
Said Charlene, “I want to get out of here.”
Asked Mark, “What about the basement.”
“Fill in the missing blanks with your imagination.”
“I don’t want to fill in the missing blanks with my imagination.”
“You can be so stupid sometimes. Let’s get out of here.”
Mark and Charlene shared a long romantic kiss. They lovingly held hands. They exited the tattered dusty remains of Panini’s Bar and Grill. They closed the door one last time. They exited just in time. A small group of Construction workers built a chain link fence in front of the front door. It was no longer possible to enter or exit Panini’s Bar and Grill.
******
Michael Sexton, Neve Church and Valerie Wooster stood alongside the Scioto River. They stood in front of the replica of the Santa Maria. The Broad Street Bridge stretched over the Scioto River. It was directly to their left. The Veterans Memorial Convention Center was on the other side of the Scioto River along Broad Street.
Said Neve, “This is hopeless Valerie. Does the word wild goose chase ring a bell. You could spend yourself to bankruptcy. You could run around Columbus, Ohio like a chicken with her head cut off. Dwight won’t show up. Maybe he wants you to self-destruct without his assistance.”
Said Michael, “I don’t care if Dwight never shows up. I enjoy looking at the Santa Maria replica.”
Said Neve, “That’s one positive thing to say about today.”
Said Valerie, “I don’t have self-destructive tendencies.”
Said Neve, “Look deep within yourself. Maybe there’s a self-destructive maniac hoping to get out.”
******
The ghetto on Summit Street was a mixture of angry African-Americans and transitory college students. Transitory college students who don’t indulge in the illegal drug trade got to live a lot longer on Summit Street. Summit Street used to be the wealthy part of town in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. The wealthy Caucasians moved away when the impoverished African-Americans moved into the vacant houses. Miles of former lower wealthy homes have become hopeless dives. Spray paint graffiti now covers the once proud walls of the crumbling buildings.
Love was in the air for all three Kenton siblings. Neve Church wanted to go out with Luke Kenton. Heather Mansfield wanted to go out with Jon Kenton. Larry Burton wanted to go out with Michelle Kenton. All six rented the a small house in the Summit Street ghetto. Dinner was about to be served when Neve Church entered the rented house. Michelle Kenton and her younger brothers Luke and Jon were already seated. Larry Burton and Heather was also seated.
Said Neve, “Nothing happened on the Scioto River.”
Said Michelle, “I’m sorry, but you lost me. What are you talking about?”
Replied Neve, “Never mind. I’m starved.”
Said Luke, “Good. There’s enough food for everybody.”
Asked Heather, “Have anybody seen the film A Nightmare on Elm Street?”
Replied Jon, “It’s a low budget variation of the films The Cell and In Dreams.”
Said Heather, “That’s one way of putting it. A Nightmare on Elm Street arrived first.”
Said Jon, “The Cell was significantly better. The psychology in The Cell actually makes sense.”
Said Larry, “Nobody watches a horror film because it makes sense.”
Said Neve, “Nobody set out to film six sequels to The Cell. That’s good enough for me.”
Asked Jon, “Have anybody watched Selena, U Turn, Enough or Angel Eyes?”
Replied Neve, “No. Are those films important? Never mind. Let’s eat.”
Larry proceeded to prepare six plates of roasted almond chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and six glasses of cheap supermarket wine. Neve, Heather, Michelle, Jon, Luke and Larry sat down around a circular table. An album by Radiohead was played in the background. All six of them talked while they ate.
Said Larry, “Nobody talks about decent horror films anymore. I’m tired of references to Friday the 13th, Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street. Those films are shameless and senseless violent pornography. “
Said Neve, “Hollywood keeps making those stupid films. There are ten films in the Friday the 13th series. There are eight films in the Halloween series. There are seven films in the A Nightmare on Elm Street series. It’s so fucking retarded. How many people is a serial killing maniac going to murder before he’s caught? The only decent concept in the Halloween series was it’s sense of restraint. Jaime Lee Curtis or Donald Pleasence were the last remaining survivors in seven out of eight installments. I hope. I didn’t see Halloween Part Eight yet.”
Asked Heather, “Doesn’t anybody watch Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles anymore? Hey, I’ll settle for another viewing of A Some Kind of Wonderful. Have teenagers from the nineteen nineties have become more violent than the teenagers from the nineteen eighties?”
Replied Jon, “Rebel without a Cause was a classic.”
Replied Heather, “I never saw it. I saw Pajama Party with Annette Funicello and Tommy Kirk.”
Said Jon, “Oh please, Pajama Party was so fucking lame.”
Said Michelle, “You must be a girl to understand it.”
******
Dwight Ambrose have fixed his bicycle. He peddled his bicycle towards the Blockbuster Video Rental Store on High Street. It was across the street from the Graceland Shopping Mall. The store was mildly busy. He approached the Assistant Manager of Blockbuster. The Assistant Manager was running a cash register.
Asked Dwight, “Do you have a girl named Valerie on the payroll.”
Replied the Assistant Manager, “Yes.”
“Is she a close friend of Dana Zevulon.”
“Yes.”
“Is she a close friend of Mickey Zevulon?”
“Mickey Zevulon and Valerie are dating each other.”
“Do you know Valerie’s last name?”
“Yes.”
“Will you tell me what her last name is?”
“No.”
“I got more than a few problems with Valerie.”
“What problems have you encountered.”
“Valerie have behaved like a jerk when she attended Otterbein College. She was a resident at Dunlap-King Hall while attending Otterbein. There were forty sexual harassment accusations filed against her by male students. Not me. Forty other men felt uncomfortable with Valerie’s blatant sexuality. How many men have Valerie sexually harassed while working at Blockbuster?”
“That’s none of your business. Valerie’s academic record at Otterbein College is none of my business.”
“There’s more. Valerie attended twenty rock concerts last year. She attended only two rock concerts this year. She rarely gets drunk. She never visits pornographic strip clubs for women. She has a huge pile of magazines with pornographic photographs of men. She frequently visits the movie theater. She frequently rents videos. She has a huge stack of videotapes she either rented or taped. She frequently videotapes programs from the American version of MTV. I have catalogued all the MTV television programs she videotaped. A few of those videotaped programs are offensive to the political correctness movement. I have erased any MTV shows that she videotaped that isn’t politically correct. I have a list of theatrical films and videotaped shows that she have viewed. I have listed all the politically incorrect incidents in the films and videotapes. I have listed all the rock concerts she have attended. I have listed all the politically incorrect incidents the rock star have done on stage. The list shall be made available to you right now.”
“Pardon me, but are you going to rent or purchase a videotape?”
“No.”
"Would you like to file a sexual harassment accusation against Valerie.”
“Yes.”
“Do you have sexual harassment accusations that are specific.”
“Yes.”
“What are your specific sexual harassment accusations?”
“She keeps looking at me with a perverted glare. “
”What sort of perverted glare?”
“She keeps looking down at my penis.”
“Valerie keeps looking down at your penis?”
“Yes.”
“That makes you uncomfortable?”
“Yes.”
“Anything else?”
“ She keeps asking questions and making statements that isn’t relevant to videotapes and digital video disks. She never says anything that’s personal, but it’s too fucking creepy.”
”Anything else?”
“She owes eight hundred dollars to one Discover Credit Investments. She owes four hundred dollars to Providian Bank. She owes one hundred and fifty dollars to Lazarus Department Stores. She owes one hundred dollars to Ameritech Communications. She owes fifty dollars for electricity. She owes fifty dollars for gas. She dreams about getting murdered every night. I have catalogued all the evening dreams she had whenever I broke into her apartment when she was asleep. She needs to have more politically correct dreams. She purchases comic books every Wednesday. I have catalogued all the comic books she have purchased. I have catalogued all the politically incorrect moments in the comic books.”
“Is that relevant to Blockbuster Video Rental Store?”
“No.”
“Why are you telling it to me?”
“It’s further proof that Valerie is evil.”
“I’m not interested in vague accusations that isn’t relevant to Blockbuster.”
“I thought you would be interested.”
“You were mistaken.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Valerie keeps looking down at your penis and she makes perverted remarks.”
“Yes, it’s correct. Valerie is scaring me. I don’t feel comfortable renting videos in this store anymore.” Dwight paused a few seconds. He added, “Valerie is slow.”
Asked the Head Manager of Blockbuster, “Pardon?”
“Valerie is supposed to follow an exact pattern. The exact pattern is in three parts. The first part is to force a man to give what she desires sexually. But he’s never comfortable because she desires unhealthy sexual fantasies. The second step is for Valerie to sneak into areas that she has no business to enter. The third step is for the man to force Valerie to give what she desires sexually. Valerie isn’t comfortable because he desires healthy sexual fantasies. Valerie’s sexual desires is no longer relevant. Valerie must feel guilty if she doesn’t quickly take the bate that leads to the first step. Speed is essential. Valerie must quickly grab the bait within fifteen to thirty minutes. It would be better if she grabs the bait a lot faster than fifteen to thirty minutes.”
“Can I ask you a question.”
“Sure.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Valerie is evil. Her inability to grab the bait to the first step of the pattern fast enough is a prime example of her wickedness. I don’t want to babysit a girl who is slow. She must be fired!”
“This conversation is stupid. Come back when you’re able to say something that makes sense.”
\ “Valerie is evil! She’s sexually harassing me. Evil sexually harassing girls must die!”
“Get out you fucking asshole!”
The Head Manager of Blockbuster forced Dwight Ambrose out of the Blockbuster Rental Store. Dwight paced back and forth with rising levels of anger. He got on his bicycle and peddled towards Ohio State university.
FIVE
Love was in the air for Madora Kahn and Canton Guipa. They walked towards the 7-11 on the intersection of High Street and Ninth Avenue. They lovingly held hands as they walked across Ninth Avenue. Madora’s mouth fell open. Panini’s Bar and Grill was gone. The crumbling tavern was torn down by a massive bulldozer. A hose was connected to a fire hydrant. The fire hose was sprayed on the bulldozed wreckage of Panini’s Bar and Grill.
Asked Madora, “What’s today’s date?”
Replied Canton, “Today is June 20, 2002. It’s Thursday.”
“Panini’s Bar and Grill is gone.”
“I noticed.”
“Charlene Jaguar and Mark Gletzer wanted to explore the basement of Panini’s Bar and Grill with two flashlights on June 20,2002. They assumed there was still hope for last minute exploration of the condemned bar.”
“When did they make that decision?”
“Last week. May 13, 2002.”
“Charlene and Mark blew it. They waited too long. There’s nothing left. We’ll never know what was locked in the basement of Panini’s Bar and Grill. Two blocks of potential haunted house real estate is being torn down by bulldozers. Are you disappointed?”
“Of course I’m disappointed. A deeper exploration of Panini’s Bar and Grill was very high on my list of priorities. Fuck. There’s only three condemned buildings left for the bulldozers to destroy. We might be able to scale the fence. The locks are no longer functional.”
“Don’t be stupid. The bulldozers is nearly finished with Panini’s Bar and Grill. The last three buildings are already gone. I won’t let you get crushed by the debris.” Canton kissed Madora. He continued, “ I love you. You’re the first decent girl I’ve gone out with.”
Replied Madora, “You’re so sweet.”
Madora Kahn and Canton Guipa lovingly held hands. They walked across High Street. They walked towards the area where The Spot Bar once stood. The chain link fence was gone. The torn wreckage and debris that was created by the bulldozer was gone. The entire city block have become flat uncultivated dirt with an abandoned bulldozer nearby. Madora kicked a clump of dirt with her left foot. A cloud of dirt flew into her face and into the bright morning sun.
Continued Madora, “The Campus Partners actually done it. They have torn down The Spot Bar. There’s nothing here. You could cultivate the soil and grow crops. Are you sure we need a fucking shopping mall?”
Replied Canton, “Do you remember what The Spot Bar looked like?”
“It would be harder to remember The Spot Bar without it’s skeleton remains. I can’t believe it. Two blocks of dismal alcohol taverns are gone. This area actually looks nice for the first time ever.”
“This is the first time I ever saw bulldozers destroy two blocks of worthless real estate. I always supported the Campus Partners.”
“I once hated the Campus Partner’s dream for the Gateway Shopping Mall. I’m not protesting the Campus Partners anymore. We’re standing on an entire city block of uncultivated dirt. ”
“How long would it take for the remaining three taverns to be demolished? The rest of the week? How long would it take for the Gateway Shopping Mall to be built? Two years? Where would the drunks that used to frequent this area travel to? The Summit Street ghetto is only a block away.”
“I still live with Aunt Shama and Uncle Sumanth in the Summit Street ghetto. Pushing the street gang further away from Ohio State University is a good idea.”
“The fucking street gangs never left. They’re still one black away.”
“The Campus Partners are trying to clean up the neighborhood one block at a time.”
“It’s so fucking slow.”
“We’ll be in the lower middle class two years from now. You must trust me.”
“Are you sure Ohio State University will give me a chance?”
“We’ll switch to another university if our grades starts to slip. We’re in the upper working poor. We don’t have much stuff to drag around.”
TWO
Valerie Wooster and Martha Atkins sat across from Micky Zevulon. They were drinking mugs of coffee. They were inside Mickey’s apartment on Greencrest Drive.
Said Martha, “What’s up with the Campus Partners. There’s nothing between the intersection of High Street and Tenth Street to the intersection of High Street and Twelfth Street. There used to be long row of bars in that section of High Street. The Campus Partners purchased everything within a two block radius. Everything in that two block radius have been driven out of business. Why? It’s April 2002 and we’re still waiting for the wrecking ball. Are you sure the Campus Partners are going to tear down two entire city blocks for a goddamn shopping mall?”
Said Mickey, “Two entire city blocks is supposed to be torn down in April 2002. The Campus Partners needed to check for toxic waste in March 2002.”
Asked Valerie, “Toxic waste? On the Ohio State University Campus? That’s so fucking lame.”
Said Mickey, “You’re right. It’s a lame excuse. The Campus Partners are too busy following masturbation rituals to have a coherent strategy.”
Said Martha, “The Campus Partners should bring the bars and restaurants back to the two block area if they don’t plan to do anything with it. Two blocks of closed storefront property is so fucking tacky. There should be a public announcement before the two block area is torn down. I would like to be there when the wrecking ball shows up. It’ll be one hell of a beer party.”
Said Valerie, “I never been to any of the bars in that two block area. ”
Replied Mickey, “It’s too late now. I never was a fixture in the bars of that two block area either. I was hanging out in the taverns of Upper Arlington. The northern suburbs has some very cool bars. I’m worried about the crime on Summit Street. Summit Street has too much street gangs. It’s directly next to Ohio State University.”
Asked Martha, “There were auditions for the MTV series The Real World. Where was it? The Spot Bar? It’s gone. It’s been boarded up. It’s going to be a giant hole in the ground. Assuming the Campus Partners ever gets around to hiring a wrecking ball. I missed The Real World auditions.”
There were a knock on the door. Mickey walked across the living room and opened the door. Charlene Jaguar entered the apartment. There were warm greetings.
Asked Charlene, “There’s an asshole outside your apartment Mickey. He’s holding a bicycle with a broken wheel. Is he a friend of yours?”
Said Martha, “You met Dwight Ambrose. He tried to murder Valerie and myself.”
Charlene Jaguar frowned.
Said Valerie, “He got a tree branch stuck in his bicycle spokes. He slammed into the pavement.”
Said Charlene Jaguar, “He needs a medical doctor, a psychiatrist and a bicycle repair shop. He looks like a fool standing in the middle of the goddamn parking lot.”
Said Valerie, “It’s my fault. I gave him a bloody nose in Shepherd Junior High in 1980.”
Replied Charlene, “That was twenty years ago. Where is Shepherd Junior High?”
Replied Valerie, “It’s in the suburbs of Chicago, Illinois.”
Asked Charlene, “That asshole followed you from Chicago, Illinois to Columbus, Ohio? Why?”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose wants to murder me.”
Asked Charlene, “Does he normally threaten the life of everybody to clobbers him?”
Replied Valerie, “He only threatens to murder girls who clobbers him.”
Said Charlene, “Wear a nice dress and apologize.”
Said Valerie, “I tried. Dwight Ambrose won’t accept my apology. He wants to kill me. He’ll follow me to Sydney, Australia if it’s necessary.”
Said Mickey, “Telephone the police. File a restraining order.”
Said Valerie, “I already filed a restraining order against Dwight Ambrose. It hasn’t done any good.”
Asked Charlene, “Is going to walk up a flight of stairs and beat the crap out of you? Shit! I arrived at the wrong moment. I’ll be back later. Hopefully, the psychopath will be gone.”
Said Martha, “Relax, he won’t walk upstairs. Leaving won’t do any good. You’re already marked for death if you’re spotted in Valerie’s boyfriend’s apartment.”
Said Valerie, “My boyfriend has a name goddamn it.”
Asked Charlene, “Why did you punch Dwight Ambrose in the nose?”
Replied Valerie, “He asked me out on a date.”
Replied Charlene, “That’s sweet. Just smile and refuse.”
Replied Valerie, “He asked me out on a date every single day. He kept that up for two fucking years. I’m his first romantic crush. No other girl shares that honor.”
Said Charlene, “That’s so touching. You need to purchase a gun and blow his brains out.”
Charlene Jaguar ran her fingers through her pixie gamine black hair. The girl lit a cigarette as she sat down on a couch. Mickey sat next to Valerie and Martha.
Asked Charlene, “Who’s the chick who placed a tree branch in the bicycle spokes?”
Replied Martha, “I’ll have that honor.”
Asked Charlene, “How did you get Mickey to date you? What did he say? Would you like to go out with me? What did you say in response? I can’t go out with you. My stalker won’t approve.”
Replied Mickey, “Valerie didn’t tell me about Dwight Ambrose right away.”
Said Charlene, “Stalker? What stalker? I don’t see a knife welding maniac.”
Said Martha, “Your sarcasm isn’t helping Charlene.”
Asked Charlene, “How many prison inmates graduated from Shepherd Junior High in 1980?”
Said Mickey, “Dwight Ambrose was never arrested.”
Asked Charlene, “Have Dwight Ambrose wave a knife at you?”
Said Martha, “He wove a knife at Valerie. He also pulled a knife at me.”
Asked Charlene, “Waving a knife around isn’t enough for an arrest warrant from the police? The maniac is standing in the goddamn parking lot. He isn’t going anywhere.”
Said Valerie, “Making a telephone call to the police won’t help. He always has a smooth story to fool the police into siding with him. Restraining orders won’t work. Leaving town won’t work. I’m screwed.”
Said Charlene, “You didn’t make a telephone call to the right police officer. Did this maniac rape you?”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose never raped anybody. He threatens my life. He waves a knife in my face.
He chases me around town on a ten speed bicycle. He vanishes. He reappears. Death threats without an actual rape is meaningless. Maybe the police will take decisive action if Dwight actually rams a knife into a girl. Maybe the police will take decisive action if Dwight rapes a girl. I’m not asking for a voluntary sacrifice.”
Said Martha, “I won’t sacrifice my life to destroy that loser. Nobody else should either.”
Said Mickey, “A noble sacrifice won’t do any good. Dwight Ambrose is a careful man. He knows when to exercise restraint.”
Said Charlene, “This maniac is standing in the middle of the parking lot of your apartment building. He’s going to stand outside your apartment building for the entire evening.”
Said Mickey, “I can’t do anything until he walks inside the building.”
******
The University District used to be an upper middle class to wealthy section of Columbus, Ohio. It have fallen into decay. The University District is now a ghetto filled with Caucasian college students, racial minority street gang and drug dealers. The Campus Partners have promised to clean up the University District. Instead, they created a ghost town between Tenth Avenue and High Street to Twelfth Avenue and High Street.
Madora Kahn lived with her aunt Shama Kahn on Maynard Avenue in the University District. Heather was invited to spend the night with Madora and her Aunt Shama. Aunt Shama was a slender Hindu Indian woman. Hindu folk music played in the background. Aunt Shama was preparing a traditional Bangladesh meal. Uncle Sumanth was helping Aunt Shama cook dinner. Heather Mansfield sat on a couch.
Said Heather, “It must’ve scared you when your niece almost died. What did her parents think?”
Said Aunt Shama, “Madora’s parents are still in Bangladesh. They only had enough money to send Madora to the United States on a green card. Sumanth and I must get away to Northern Suburbs, but we don’t have the cash. It’s safer in the Northern Suburbs.”
Said Madora, “The weirdos who nearly killed me lived on Cleveland Avenue. They occupied a hose in the suburb of Westerville. The house in Westerville belonged to a previous rape and murder victim. It’s for sale.”
Said Sumanth, “I don’t want to telephone your parents and say that we buried you underground.”
Said Heather, “Your niece might be getting herself into trouble again. A close friend is being stalked by a maniac named Dwight Ambrose. What’s her name? Valerie? Does anybody know Valerie’s last name?”
Said Aunt Shama, “Don’t get mixed up with another homicidal stalker. Why are you always starting a fight with somebody?”
Said Madora, “I was a minor supporting player in the previous homicidal stalker crises.”
Said Aunt Shama, “I don’t care. Don’t get mixed up with Valerie’s problems.”
Said Heather, “The feud between Valerie and Dwight Ambrose could end without casualties.”
Said Madora, “Heather is correct. Dwight Ambrose hasn’t killed anybody yet.”
Said Aunt Shama, “Dwight Ambrose doesn’t appear to be a stable boy. Don’t get mixed up with Valerie’s problems. You may not survive. We can’t afford your funeral.”
Said Madora, “I’ll be careful Aunt Shama. I promise.”
Asked Sumanth, “What happened? You never started fights with homicidal maniacs in Bangladesh.”
Said Madora, “The problem is that I’m already a close friend of Valerie. Dwight Ambrose have threatened to kill anybody who forms a close friendship with Valerie. It’s already too late. I’m not trying to start a fight with anybody. I won’t hurt Dwight Ambrose if he leaves me alone. “
Said Shama, “I miss the day when you were a lazy unmotivated slacker.”
Said Heather, “What are you talking about? Madora is still a lazy unmotivated slacker.”
Madora walked towards the telephone. She didn’t hear a dial tone. She placed the telephone back into it’s receiver. She picked it up again. She didn’t hear a dial tone.
Asked Madora, “When was the last time you paid the telephone bill?”
Asked Aunt Shama, “Pardon?”
Asked Madora, “I can’t hear a fucking dial tone. When was the last time you paid the telephone.”
Said Aunt Shama, “I spent the past three weeks attending parties. I’ll be considered an embarrassment if I don’t attend those alcoholic parties. It’s important that I evolve into a party animal.”
Said Madora, “I spent time with alcoholic party animals. A party animal isn’t worth evolving into.”
Said Heather, “You could use my cellular telephone.”
Said Madora, “Thanks.”
Madora dialed a few numbers in Heather’s cellular telephone.
Said Aunt Shama, “Trying to be the ultimate party animal turns out to be a waste of time. My efforts to get drunk and party are ignored. I wasn’t attending work for three entire weeks. None of the bills are getting paid. I’m about to get tossed in debtors prison. We’re about to lose water and electricity too.”
Said Heather, “You need to ignore a few alcohol parties and pay the fucking telephone bill. What are you going to use to keep the beer cold? What do you do for a living?”
Said Madora, “Hello Neve? I was going to say hello. I was going to agree to that rock concert you were nagging me to attend. Then I realized that the telephone bill hasn’t been paid. The money I would’ve used to pay for the rock concert ticket must be used to pay the telephone bill. I can’t go after all. Sorry.”
Heather ignored Madora. She faced Aunt Shama,
Asked Heather, “What’s your occupation?”
Replied Aunt Shama, “I’m an assistant manager of Burger King Restaurant. I wasn’t on the time clock for the past three weeks. I was drunk watching rock concerts with strippers. None of the bills have been paid. The telephone have been shut off. The electricity and the water are the next to go.”
Madora ignored Aunt Shama and Heather. She talked on the telephone to Neve.
Said Madora, “Aunt Shama have been drunk for three entire weeks. No. She’s not a chronic alcoholic. She’s normally on the wagon. I’m going to shoot Carl Gibson if he has anything to do with this.”
Heather ignored Madora. Heather faced Aunt Shama.
Said Aunt Shama, “You don’t need to telephone alcoholics anonymous. I’m going to behave myself.”
Asked Heather, “Who’s in charge of this household?”
Replied Aunt Shama, “I’m in charge. Falling off the wagon is a rare occasion.”
Madora ignored Aunt Shama and Heather. She talked on the telephone to Neve.
Said Madora, “ I wonder if Aunt Shama bothered to pay the fucking rent.”
******
Matthew Koberna and Jackie Shafer walked alongside the Nationwide Arena. The Nationwide Arena was locked. The building was dark. There were no special events scheduled for that evening. A wide screen television the size of a billboard perched on the side of a building. The Nationwide Grand Theater was recently built next to the Nationwide Arena. Matthew and Jackie have yet to see a film in the Nationwide Grand Theater. They wanted to see what the interior was like.
Said Matthew, “The Nationwide Arena used to be a prison.”
Said Jackie, “The Ohio Penitentiary was already gone when I arrived.”
Said Matthew, “You didn’t miss much. The Ohio Penitentiary was an eyesore. Where are we going to meet up with the rest of the gang?”
”Alongside the Ollentangy River behind the Drake Union on the Ohio State University campus. I don’t know why we must gather alongside a goddamn river.”
“Because it’s the only natural body of water in Columbus. The Ollentangy River is much too narrow.”
“I wouldn’t try to swim across it though. You don’t know how deep the damn thing is. There might be a nasty undertow. Lifeguards isn’t placed alongside the Ollentangy River. It’s deep enough for a very small boat. You’ll end up at the Whetstone Park of the Roses if you float the small boat north.”
“Whetstone Park of the Roses is behind a Columbus Public Library branch?”
“Yes.”
“I know where it is.”
“You been to the Whetstone Park of the Roses?”
“I never ventured far beyond the tennis courts. I didn’t realize it stretched back to the Ollentangy River.”
“I’m still new to this town. Akron Lake is in Antrim Park. It’s next to the Ollentangy River beyond the Whetstone Park of the Roses. That’s a natural lake.”
“I never been to Antrim Park.”
“Neither have I. I saw it on the map though.”
“You can’t reach Antrim Park on the Columbus Transit Authority bus.”
“Let’s see. Bethel Road ends at the Anheuser Busch Sports Park. I’m assuming you’re brave enough to go that far down Bethel Road. You travel north on Moody Jackson Parkway to Antrim Park. You’ll need a taxi cab.”
“Mirror Lake is nearby Eleventh Avenue on the Ohio State University campus.”
“Mirror Lake is closer to a fucking pond. I don’t know Ohio State University got a fucking island in the middle of the damn thing.”
“There used to be an island on Mirror Lake?”
“Not anymore. Ohio State University dug out the fucking island. The fucking bridge got trashed too.”
“It’s a shame. Mirror Lake actually was big enough for an island? What was the island called?”
“The island wasn’t called anything. It was a tiny clump of dirt thrown into the middle of a fucking pond. Mirror Lake is being renovated. The ducks will be thankful for the renovation.”
“How do you renovate a pond?”
“How should I know?”
“The Nationwide Arena used to be an old Civil War era prison. The Ohio Penitentiary was an eyesore.”
“The Nationwide Arena is beautiful. I don’t miss the Ohio Penitentiary. What about us.”
“We’re doing great. The love we share is beautiful.”
“Is there life beyond minimum wage poverty? Are my classes at Ohio State University leading towards something important? Is minimum wage poverty the highest I’m able to travel. Have I already reached my peak?”
“Minimum wage labor isn’t the height of your abilities.”
“Are you sure? Maybe I’m too dump to hold anything higher than cash register employment.”
“Then I’ll marry the sexiest cash register clerk in Columbus, Ohio. We’ll survive.”
“You don’t understand. Maybe I’m just too stupid to do anything else except operate the cash register. Maybe my annual salary will always be twenty thousand dollars. We’ll always live in tiny poverty level apartments.
Maybe I’ll never deliver the sun, the moon or the stars.”
“I don’t care. I love you. I’ll tell everybody that I married the best cash register clerk in Columbus. It’s going to be fine. Trust me. I’m not a country club snob.”
“It’s frustrating. Everybody thinks I’m a fool because I’m always broke. I don’t know what everybody is worried about. You’re supposed to be broke when you’re in college.””
“There’s no shame in getting married to a cash register clerk. You have at least one employable skill. We’re already ahead. Maybe you have the talent to become a businesswoman.”
“You didn’t start dating me because I could operate a cash register.”
“Why are you always dragging yourself down? There’s no shame in operating a cash register. It’s honest labor for an honest wage. I’m proud of you. A cash register is difficult to operate.”
“Any moron could operate a cash register.”
“There are people out there who wish they could share your optimism. There are people who wish they could hold a cash register job for two years minimum. There’s no shame in operating a cash register. Stop dragging yourself down. Your self-abuse isn’t going to help us.”
“I’m sorry. It’s frustrating. I’m tried of poverty level income.”
“Let’s start with your strengths. Let’s start with my strengths. Let’s focus on our strengths.”
“Great. I’ll bring my cash register. What are you going to bring along?”
Jessica and Matthew lovingly kissed. He ran his hands lovingly across her hair.
******
Luke Kenton looked at his brother Jon Kenton. They walked down High Street for a mile. They didn’t have the cash to purchase anything. The two men stood outside the boarded up remains of the Spot Bar. The bar was closed down and scheduled for demolition. The Campus Partners forced the Spot Bar out of business forever. Luke Kenton loved to get drunk at the Spot Bar. There’s nothing left except for his memories.
Asked Luke, “You think she’s going to do it? Will Dana Zevulon join the Ohio State University women’s gymnastics team? Maybe she’ll end up in the Olympics?”
Replied Jon, “It’s impossible. Men’s gymnastics begins at Ohio State University. Women’s gymnastics ends at Ohio State University. A woman gymnastics athlete is washed up at age thirty-four. What about her spin injury. Dana’s spine never improved. It’s a shame. She never made it to the World Championships.”
“Dana is the sexiest gymnastics wash up I ever saw.”
“Get your mind out of the gutter. She already has a boyfriend.”
“The best chicks are already taken.”
“Not all of them. We need to look in the right places. We can’t chill out in the Spot Bar anymore. It’s a pity. The Spot Bar was the coolest dive bar. All the best taverns on High Street are closing down.”
“Ohio State University students are getting drunk at the Brewery District and the Nationwide Arena. You know where the Brewery District? It’s further down south on High Street. We’re walking in the wrong direction.”
“I kept hoping the Campus Partners would keep the Spot Bar alive.”
“Not a chance. The Spot Bar is gone. Come on. Let’s catch the public bus to the Brewery District.”
“The goddamn losers couldn’t afford a decent lawyer.”
“Everybody knew the Campus Partners would triumph. The wrecking ball would be arriving soon.”
“Ok, which girl do you think have the largest breasts? Madora Kahn, Valerie Wooster, Neve Church, Heather Mansfield, Charlene Jaguar, Jackie Shafer, Martha Atkins or Dana Zevulon?”
“I like the size of Jackie’s breasts. Charlene has great breasts too.”
“Valerie has great breasts.”
“Before you ask a girl out, do you judge her by the size of her breasts or by her weight?”
“Breast size and weight are equally important. Neve has the best hairstyle.”
“Dana has a fantastic hairstyle.”
“Which hairstyle? Dana used to wear her hair short before growing it longer.”
“Dana has a fantastic hairstyle no matter what style she prefers.”
“Neve’s hairstyle is the coolest. If you had to choose between Jackie’s breasts and Charlene’s breasts, which would you choose?”
“I can’t decide. Both Charlene and Jackie are well endowed.”
“You think Neve and Heather will kick our rear ends if they discover us talking like this?”
“Women don’t mind if we talk about their breasts and their hairstyle behind their back.”
THREE
The number two Columbus Transit Authority bus only traveled from Ohio State University to the City Center Shopping Mall. Luke Kenton and Jon Kenton had to take a separate bus to the Brewery District. The Brewery District was located on the left side of German Village. It’s a five block section of downtown where most of the local micro-breweries are located. The most frustrating part of getting drunk at Ludlow’s tavern is the lack of table and chairs. Most of the patrons had to stand. Luke ordered two Miller Beers.
Said Luke, “I don’t understand women.”
Replied Jon, “Neither do I. Women are speaking a different language. You’re always trying to figure out the coded references.”
“Is Ludlow’s a straight tavern?”
“Ludlow’s is a straight tavern. Most of the patrons are straight.”
“That’s great. I desire the illusion that I have a fair chance at picking up a chick.”
Michael Sexton and Neve Church approached Luke and Jon. Luke received two Miller Beers.
Said Neve, “I overheard your conversation. You have a fair chance at picking up a chick. Just tell the girl about your former career as a boy band legend nobody remembers anymore. Maybe you could sneak backstage at a Justine Timberlake concert without a backstage access pass. You could reap millions.”
Replied Luke, “I could get arrested by the police for sneaking backstage at an Justine Timberlake concert. I could be the laughing stock of the minimum security prison. I cold get raped by my prison roommate.”
Said Neve, “You won’t sneak backstage at a Justine Timberlake concert? I’m ashamed. You’ll throw away the opportunity of a lifetime.”
Said Michael, “Don’t listen to my girlfriend. She’s eccentric. She sneaks into the bedrooms of boys she never met before. She makes love to those men while they’re still asleep. She’s prettier if I make love to a guy while he’s still awake. Her skills in lock picking is limited.”
Said Luke, “Dana Zevulon is more talented in the celebrity burnout category.”
Said Neve, “Dana Zevulon never reached the United States Women’s Gymnastics World Championships. She never reached the Olympics. She was in all the major competitions before the United States women’s gymnastics World Championships. A girl can’t be considered a celebrity if she never reached the world Championships. A thirty-four year old woman can’t return to a gymnastics career that burned out prematurely.”
Asked Luke, “What is Dana Zevulon doing? Teaching gymnastics to elementary children?”
Said Neve, “Dana Zevulon sells and rents videotapes and digital video disks at Blockbuster Rental Store.”
Said Luke, “Ouch.”
Said Jon, “I never knew anybody could tumble downwards so quickly.”
Said Michael, “Dana Zevulon’s former gymnastics performances from 1980 are still on videotape and digital video disk. Maybe you could rent the film or digital video disk at Blockbuster Rental Store.”
Said Luke, “Ouch.”
Said Michael, “Dante Siou’s laser beam wrist watches are still circulating. The items were stolen from the New York City police impound and returned to Columbus, Ohio. Valerie and Martha tried to use their laser beam wrist watches against Dwight Ambrose. Dwight Ambrose have been mailing death threats against Valerie since Shepherd Junior High in Chicago, Illinois in 1980.”
Asked Luke, “Dwight Ambrose followed Valerie from Chicago, Illinois to Columbus, Ohio? Why?”
Replied Michael, “How should I know? Why would anybody travel to the middle of nowhere?”
Said Jon, “Columbus, Ohio has a professional hockey team franchise. The Columbus Blue Jackets are going to put Columbus, Ohio on the map as the coolest city on Earth.”
Said Michael, “Somebody is feeling optimistic.”
Asked Jon, “Do these laser beam wrist watches truly operational?”
Said Neve, “How should I know? Dwight Ambrose is a pathetic loser.”
******
Dana Zevulon wore eyeglasses. She was born in Tel-Aviv, Israel. Dana Zevulon was a slacker who never took her pajamas off before leaving her apartment. She shared her apartment with Roger Myers. She wore her usual partial pajamas outfit before leaving her apartment.
Dana and Roger lived nearby the intersection of Greencrest Drive and High Street. They walked towards the Columbus Transit Authority bus stop on High Street.
Said Dana, “I’m tired of walking or riding the bicycle. I’m tired of the Columbus Transit Authority. I’m too broke to purchase an automobile. I already used up my gymnastics athlete burnout cash before my eighteenth birthday. I’m not likely to get another paycheck from my gymnastics athlete burnout era.”
Said Roger, “You were an immature junior high student. You didn’t have any breasts at the time.”
“How many girls in women’s gymnastics have breasts? Only half of them? A thirty-four year old woman with breasts can’t return? It’s a sad career for a girl to be burned out from. You should’ve seen my brilliant balance beam routine.”
“It’s on videotape and digital video disk. It could be rented at the same Blockbuster Store you work at. Your humiliating vaulting horse disaster isn’t available yet.”
“I’m still taking painkillers for that vaulting horse disaster.”
The Columbus Public Transit Authority bus reached the bus stop. Dana and Roger walked onboard. They got free admission on the public bus with their Ohio State University identification.”
“I’m such a failure.”
“On what account are you a failure?”
“I’m working minimum wage at Blockbuster video rental shop. I’m the lowest end of the totem pole.”
“Wrong. Criminals, drug addicts and homeless bums are lower than you. We never dropped that low. Yeah, paying the bills are tough. We’ll survive.”
“I’m higher than a criminal, a drug addict and a homeless bum. I’m lower than a mail man and a television repair man. I earn seven dollars and fifty cents and hour. I need twenty-five work hours a week to survive. I would prefer between thirty-five to forty work hours a week. If I work the full hours needed, I don’t have any free time. If I get plenty of free time, I can’t get enough cash to do anything. Having no free time is considered good fortune.”
“You could grab yourself a female roommate.”
“Great. I lost control of my apartment in my pursuit for pleasure.”
“We could move into the same apartment together.”
“We already moved into the same apartment. We never made it official. I’m working at Blockbuster. Your working as a waiter at Thank God it’s Friday’s Restaurant. It used to be harder to pay the rent and utilities. We don’t need a third roommate. Not unless the third person works between thirty-five to forty hours too.”
”I keep thinking about the television series South Park?”
“Why?”
“There is a character on South Park named Patrick. He’s a trip. Which South Park character do you prefer? Would it be either Patrick or Kenny? Poor Kenny.”
“I never watched South Park.”
“We live in the same apartment.”
“I’m never at home when you watch South Park. I’m working at Blockbuster Store. You never videotaped the television show. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Obscure South Park references isn’t going to help?”
“Obscure South Park references isn’t going to help. I know the animation is made from construction paper. There is a ninety minute film based on the television show. That’s about it.”
“You work at Blockbuster. Toss a videotape into the VCR.”
“I can’t. I mused use company made promotions.”
“That spoils the fun of working in a video rental store.”
“Damn right.”
“Those company made promotions are redundant.”
“The music videos are cool. Ok, there is only one music video that’s repeated once an hour for two entire weeks. It’s always something from the VH1 vaults.”
“Are those gymnastics videotapes getting you depressed? Quit your job. Work at Tim Hortons Restaurant. There are no videotapes at Tim Hortons. I’ll rent videotapes if rentals are needed.”
“Hi, I’m Dana Zevulon. Welcome to Tim Hortons. Do you want my chili in a bread bowl? Try to avoid the hair that surrounds the chili in a bread bowl.”
“I’m trying to be serious.”
“Switching jobs isn’t going to improve my mood.”
“I love you Dana. Your happiness is my primary concern.”
“You’re the only bright spot in my bleak existence.”
“That’s wonderful. You already have something to look forward to.”
“Sometimes I would pull my leotards back on. I would attempt the balance beam. I couldn’t stay on. My fucking spine is always hurting. Painkillers are no good on the balance beam. I never tried the vaulting horse or the uneven bars yet. I’m having too much difficulty on the balance beam.”
“It’s ok. We’ll survive. We always survive.”
Dana and Roger lovingly kissed. The public bus continued to drive down High Street.
Continued Roger, “I could watch you attempt the balance beam?”
Continued Dana, “My spine would still rebel against me.”
“Do we know for certain?”
“When did we first meet? We first met in 1997? I wrecked my spine in 1980. You missed everything.”
“Did you have a boyfriend before my arrival in 1997?”
“Boys attended me to the movie theater. There never was any kissing, touches or hand holding. There were telephone calls every two weeks. A boy can’t be considered a lover if there never was any kissing.”
“Your sex life sucked before my arrival.”
“Yeah. That’s pretty much correct. There was a guy who came close. He was the son of a Reverend. I screwed it up when I made too much telephone calls within the span of three weeks. It’s entirely my fault. I was much too enthusiastic.”
”I’m not complaining.”
“You don’t have anybody to compete against. I don’t have a living ex-boyfriend. I don’t have a legally dead ex-boyfriend. I don’t have anything. My sex life was non-existent before you arrived.”
“You were a gymnastics athlete. You wore leotards all the time.”
“It made no difference. Now I have breasts. I didn’t have breasts in 1980. I was still in seventh grade. “It’s funny. You go to college and see people who were conceived in 1983 and born in 1984. We were born in the late 1960's. You were born in 1968. I was born in 1970. We were starting high school in 1983 and 1984. Our life experiences are so different from half of the students at Ohio State University. The age difference is also staggering. How many thirty-four and thirty-two year old students attend Ohio State?”
“You’re right. The differences are staggering. Our parents were probably hippies.”
“My parents were medical doctors. They were too busy treating coast guard sailors in the arctic. They had no time for free love. They didn’t have much fun in the 1960's. Maybe they had time to attend a Louis Armstrong concert. What about you?”
“My parents never been to Woodstock either. It’s on videotape.”
“I never saw the videotape.”
The Columbus Transit Authority bus stopped. Charlene Jaguar and Mark Gletzer got on board. They sat across from Dana Zevulon and Roger Meyers.
Asked Dana, “How long have the two of you been going out?”
Replied Charlene, “About two months. I know. I’ve heard from other people. Never date another man so soon after a divorce. Mark is so patient. He never dated a divorced woman before.”
Said Mark, “Charlene was so beautiful. I couldn’t let her go.”
Asked Roger, “Where are you from?”
Replied Mark, “I’ve originally lived in San Francisco. The nightclubs down there are fantastic. This town is so boring after eleven o’clock. Don’t you have any nightclubs in this rotten city?”
Replied Roger, “Yeah, we got a few.”
Said Mark, “I’m talking about genuine nightclubs with genuine disk jockeys.”
Replied Dana, “Columbus, Ohio used to be called a cow town because it once had cow pastures and massive corn fields. Most of this town used to be undeveloped corn fields. Columbus, Ohio currently has more shopping centers than actual residents.”
Roger faced Charlene. He asked, “How long have you been married to your ex-husband. What happened to the man?”
Replied Charlene, “I was married to Luke Kenton for only four years. He suffered a nervous breakdown. He locked me out. It was frustrating. He simply gave up on our marriage. Both of us have already gone on with our lives when he was released.”
Said Dana, “I’m sorry.”
Said Charlene, “There’s nothing you could’ve done. Luke is such a cool dude again. I have fallen out of love with the man. I can’t go back to him. I still have memories of what could’ve been..”
Said Dana, “Yeah. I’m haunted by memories of what could’ve been.”
*****
Dwight Ambrose entered the two level house he lived in the Clintonville portion of High Street. He barely made it through the living room. His father was watching television in front of him. Chad Ambrose was a widower. Dave was a wife beater who murdered Dwight’s mother in an outburst of rage. Dwight stood there and watched his own mother die. He was only seven years old. He had no control over his mother’s fate. The only part of his mother’s life he remembered was her final days as a murder victim. Chad Ambrose sat on the chair in a pair of jeans and an undershirt. A can of beer was in his hands. His back was turned away from his only son. Chad Ambrose was talking directly to his television set.
Said Dave, “Your bicycle is a fucking mess.”
Said Dwight, “Valerie messed it up.”
“You’re letting a fucking bitch mess up your bicycle? You’re giving up your manhood to a fucking bitch? You’re a humiliation to your gender. Get a castration.”
“Valerie filed a restraining order against me.”
“I don’t care. Only decent women have black eyes to go along with their facial cosmetics.”
“Valerie is fighting back. She’s becoming violent. Violent girls scares me.”
Dave stood up. He faced his son with violent rage. He said, “If the girl hits you, then strike her back!”
Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches.
Let’s go inland and be killed.
---General Norman Cota
Omaha Beach, 1944
PROLOGUE
Toilets are important for a woman hating rape and murder victimizer. A woman hating victimizer could write down his confession, lose his nerve and flush it down the toilet. Hold on. Dwight never raped a girl. Dwight never killed a girl. Not yet. Valerie shall be the first to die at his hands. Dwight hates Valerie. He always hated her. He wants to rape her. Her beauty beacons revenge.
He only wore green plaid boxer shorts. That was his underwear. He thinks better when he writes in his underwear. It was a weird ritual that made sense only to him.
He wrote a two hundred page confession. Dwight wrote about his desire to rape and murder Valerie. He wrote the manuscript in a single evening. He typed his fingers recklessly. Then he flushed the manuscript down the toilet. The man lost his nerve. It’s too soon. He can’t confess that he raped and killed women. Nobody have been raped or murdered yet. He flushed his criminal confession down the toilet. He sliced up all two hundred pages with scissors. He had to flush the toilet several times to make sure the manuscript was finally gone.
The toilet was empty. Maybe the police could fish the two hundred page criminal confession from the sewer or the sewage treatment facility. It would be covered with so much muck, that the effort would be pointless.
The two hundred page criminal confession is gone. He’s off the hook. He can return to the shadows again.
His childhood was filled with hate. His future is filled with hate. The clock was ticking. The ticking clock started to haunt him. The clock is moving too fast for him. He wants to fucking clock to stop. He smashed his alarm clock into pieces. He tossed half of the alarm clock against the wall of is apartment. He fell to the floor. The clock was broken. Time was still moving. Time is moving much too fast.
He threw the alarm clock again. The shattered alarm clock slammed against a large cluster of metal wind chimes. The wind chimes clanged against each other. It produced a melodic clanging. The wind chimes continued to clang. Dwight Ambrose crashed to the floor of his apartment. He looked at the wind chimes. He was enchanted by the wind chimes. He crawled closer to the wind chimes. He brushed his hand against the wind chimes. The cluster of wind chimes formed a melodic clanging noise in response.
******
Nobody races cars down the streets of Columbus, Ohio. Nobody races motorcycles down the streets of Columbus, Ohio either. Columbus, Ohio is such a boring town. Nobody knows where it’s located on the map. His motorcycle was working. Yet, he’ll only ride his bicycle if Valerie Wooster is riding her bicycle. He only lives across the street from the woman he hates. He always knows what she’s doing. She’s masturbating? Is she masturbating about getting murdered by Dwight? No! Valerie enjoys the pleasure of living. The longer she lives is torture for Dwight Ambrose. He’ll never rest until the woman he hates is finally dead. He rode his motorcycle from the University District to Downtown Columbus. Maybe he’ll race from Downtown Columbus back to the University District. Yes, that’s always a good use of time. Nobody races cars or motorcycles in the streets of Columbus. Dwight never understood why.
He knows how long it would take for Valerie to masturbate. He has time to race his motorcycle up and down High Street. A girl on a motorcycle pulled up. Dwight and the Girl on the Motorcycle pulled towards the red light. They waited.
Asked Dwight, “Care for a drag race.”
Asked the Girl on the Motorcycle, “You want a drag race on motorcycles in Columbus, Ohio?”
Replied Dwight, “It’s ok if you’re slower than me.”
Said the Girl on the Motorcycle, “Fuck you! I’ll race.”
The stoplight turned green. The Girl on the Motorcycle raced down High Street. He raced after her. They raced faster and faster. They sped past red lights. They sped past pedestrians and automobiles. They raced faster. He was gaining. They were racing side by side.
Said Dwight, “I’m faster. I’ve always known that I’m faster.”
The Girl on the Motorcycle pulled out a handgun. She pointed the handgun at Dwight.
Said the Girl on the Motorcycle, “I’m Valerie. I wanted some fresh air without your goddamn face! Pull over right now! I’ll blow your goddamn head off. I’m not fucking with you!”
Dwight pulled over. Valerie Wooster vanished into the night. He lost the girl. He’ll find her again. She’ll either be at her apartment or her boyfriend’s apartment. Valerie will reappear sooner or later.
******
Valerie Wooster’s motorcycle stopped in front of Matthew Koberna’s apartment building on King Avenue in the University District. She walked up three flight of stairs. She knocked on the door. Jackie Shafer answered the door. Valerie walked inside. Matthew was cooking dinner for Jackie and himself.
Said Valerie, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had company.”
Said Matthew, “What were you doing outside without an escort. There’s a huge crime rate in the University District. You could’ve been hurt.”
Said Valerie, “I was nearly attacked in Downtown Columbus. I raced back to the University District.”
Said Jackie, “What’s going on honey?”
Matthew faced his girlfriend Jackie. He replied, “Valerie is followed around by a stalker. The asshole have been giving her death threats since nineteen eighty-three.”
Said Jackie, “He wanted a motorcycle race against me.”
Asked Matthew, “Death by motorcycle crash. Ouch. That’s a new one. What’s next? He’s going to drag your dead body into the walk in freezer of a nearby restaurant.”
Said Jackie, “Who is this asshole?”
Replied Valerie, “His name is Dwight Ambrose. I won’t stay long. I’m sticking around until the coast is clear. The two of you can have your romantic evening again when I’m gone.”
Said Jackie, “Romance can wait. You’re staying here tonight. I’ll fix another plate of Spaghetti.”
Said Valerie, “I don’t want to impose.”
Said Matthew, “You’re not imposing. You’re not walking around the University District at night with a homicidal maniac chasing after you. Jackie and I will sleep in the bed. You can sleep on the couch. You can barrow some of Jackie’s clothing. She’s roughly your size.”
Said Valerie, “Thanks.”
Said Jackie, “No problem. Any friend of Matthew is a friend of mine.”
ONE
What’s today’s date? It’s February 1, 2002? It’s cold outside. It rarely snows in Columbus, Ohio in the winter. Snow only lasts for two weeks on those rare days when snow falls. There is a huge pile of salt in the south end of Columbus. That huge pile of salt is placed next to the highway. It’s never used. Nobody knows why the salt pile is still there.
When did the south campus section of High Street close down? January 23, 2002? When will the south campus section of High Street be torn down? Sometime in March? A full month is a long time to look at vacant storefront property. It’s cold outside. The temperature never rose above thirty degrees. The wind didn’t improve the snow deprived winter.
******
Valerie Wooster attended six funerals when Gina Elders died. Valerie attended twenty-two more funerals when Peggy Chicarelli died. Last call for all the alcohol taverns in the south Ohio State University campus bars on High Street was on January 23, 2002. Valerie missed the last day of business. Now everything in the south campus section of High Street will be torn down to make room for the Gateway shopping mall. Essentially everything between Blockbuster video and 7-11 is scheduled for demolition sometime in March. So why is everything in the south campus section of High Street closing on January 23? Valerie frowned. She’ll need to find somewhere else to get drunk.
The Used Paperback Exchange was a tiny subterranean used book store and comic book shop. You don’t understand the words dropping and tripping until you pay a visit. There isn’t room for customers when the shelves are installed. Valerie visited the Used Paperback Exchange for a decade before she noticed a change in the mood.
Valerie read the comic books Batman, Detectives Comics Featuring Batman and Gotham Nights Featuring Batman. She read roughly five issues per title. A middle aged hippie and his twenty something employee looked at her with increasing hatred. The Middle-Aged Hippie pretended not to notice the girl. He tripped over her backpack. He exaggerated his tumble.
Cried out the Twenty Something Employee, “You’ve been standing there reading fifteen comic books for the past hour. You went from one end of the Batman comics and you moved on to the other side. This isn’t a goddamn library. We’re not here to promote reading literacy. You purchase something and get out.”
Said Valerie, “It’s hard to decide which comic to purchase.”
Said the Middle Aged Hippie, “I’m tired of your presence lady. You walk into my store. You read every single comic on the goddam shelf. You only purchase one. Maybe I’ll be lucky and you’ll purchase twenty. I don’t care. Get out and never come back.”
Said Valerie, “Ok, I’ll make a purchase. Get off my back. Twenty-eight girls have been raped and murdered by Dante Siou. Dante and his followers may have been shot to death by the FBI in New York City. Nobody survived. Everything in the south campus section of High Street is closing down for a goddamn shopping mall. Your store might be in the path of demolition.”
Said the Middle Aged Hippie, “I’m sick and tired if illiterate sluts who have nothing better to do except hang out in my goddamn store. Get out lady. I’ll telephone the police if you won’t leave voluntarily. ”
Cried out Valerie, “Are you fucking deaf? I’ll purchase a goddamn comic book! Get off my back you worthless loser.”
The Twenty-Something Employee grabbed Valerie by the arm.
Cried out the Twenty-Something Employee, “We’re sick and tired of you. Go away and never come back!”
Said the Middle Aged Hippie, “Stop reading my comic books you illiterate slut!”
Valerie was shoved upstairs to High Street. The door to the Paperback Exchange was slammed shut. Valerie stuck out her tongue. She walked towards the intersection of High Street and Fifteenth Avenue. The girl lit a cigarette. The sun was setting.. It was getting darker. The intersection of High Street and Fifteenth Avenue was crowded with college students.
Gina Elders and Peggy Chicarelli are dead. Dante Siou might be dead also. The dead girls may have dragged their rape victimizers into the afterlife. That doesn’t make Valerie feel better. Valerie was still in shock. She was never thrown out of a comic book store before.
Valerie Wooster spotted Martha Atkins. She walked towards the girl.
Asked Martha, “I was going to meet up with you at the Used Paperback Exchange.”
Said Valerie, “They tossed me out.”
Said Martha, “They suck. Let’s get some coffee.”
“The New York City subway bloodbath baffles me. Laser beam wrist watches in Times Square? How many laser beam wrist watches are there? Seven? Dante is dead. I’m sure of it. The FBI is running down a flight of stairs. There are seven dead girls and four dead guys. What is Dante going to tell the FBI? Toss down your weapons before I shoot you with my wrist watch? It won’t work.”
“Are those laser beam wrist watches still in New York City?”
“I don’t know. Do those things truly work?”
“Why did those girls die? Because their luxuries were disorganized. They were too focused on their schoolwork? Oh God, I wish I were superficial enough to have those concerns.”
“The dead girls had a better sex life than those losers who murdered them.”
“Dante Siou never met Gwyneth Paltrow. He was never televised on MTV. His only ambition was never fully realized. Now he’s dead. His life work was a waste of time.”
“I have more dire concerns to worry about. I have a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and a paralegal certificate. I wasn’t able to find a decent paying job with either. Now I’m back in college. I’m building a huge student loan debt. I owe one thousand, four hundred dollars in credit card bills. Are you following me? Suppose the perfect office secretary job falls into my lap. I can’t accept that job. I must remain in college and build a bigger student loan debt until the credit card bills are taken care of. I’m stuck.”
“You’ll have a better chance with a Bachelor of Arts in computer programming.”
“Suppose my current degrees are enough. My only crime was looking for a job in the wrong places. I didn’t do enough research. I screwed myself with one financial debt after the other. I’m stuck. The perfect secretary job falls into my lap. I accept the job. There goes my apartment. All my stuff will be sold or placed in public storage. I’ll be homeless for the next two years. I’m terrible with money.”
“It will be alright.”
“All my problems will be solved if I surrender to mindless hedonistic pleasure.”
Both women reached the cash register. Martha ordered two cappuccinos. The beverages were prepared. Both women sat nearby the window.
“I hate comic book store clerks. How can you purchase a fucking comic book if you don’t know what’s inside it? I hate comic book companies. Comic books are too expensive.
Who has two dollars and fifty-cents lying around for twenty-two stapled pages?”
“I hate minimum wage employment. I hate poverty. I hate living in Columbus, Ohio. Total strangers in Columbus, Ohio are rude. They look at me with hatred. They tell me that I’m no longer welcome in Columbus, Ohio anymore. I must move out of town within two weeks.. Where am I going to find the cash to relocate with? Why is everybody living in Columbus, Ohio in a rush to get rid of me? What’s the point in moving away? I’ll annoy everybody in the next town I’ll relocate to. I hate credit cards. Credit cards are useless. I’ll never repay the money I owe to Visa and Master Card. I can’t purchase anything on the Internet without a credit card. I can’t purchase Madonna, Tori Amos or Alanis Morissette rock concert tickets without a credit card. I can’t get America On Line installed without a credit card. I hate shopping malls. There are too many shopping malls in Columbus, Ohio. Why are the Campus Partners building the Gateway Center? Why torture us with another shopping mall we can’t afford to purchase anything inside? I won’t land a minimum wage job at any of the stores at the Gateway Center.”
******
There were two bicycles tied around a street sign. Nobody leaves a bicycle unattended in Ohio State University. Too many people rides bicycles on the campus. The bicycle racks are filled with bicycles from one end to the end. A stolen bicycle is already a lost cause.
Valerie Wooster and Martha Atkins untied their bicycles. Both girls looked up. Dwight Ambrose smiled.
Asked Martha, “Who’s that guy?”
Replied Valerie, “A guy I gave a bloody nose to in Alan B. Shepherd Junior High School. That was a long time ago. It was in 1980 in Chicago, Illinois.. I never forget a face.”
Martha frowned. The freezing wind blew her hair into her face. She said, “That loser was carrying a grudge since 1980? That was twenty-two years ago!”
Dwight didn’t say anything. He unlocked his bicycle.
Valerie looked at Dwight. She said, “Hello loser, It’s nice to see you again.”
Martha looked behind her.
Said Dwight, “What are you looking at? What’s behind you?”
Said Valerie, “Chill out, nobody is insulting you.”
Valerie and Martha got on their bicycles. They peddled down High Street. Dwight got on his bicycle. He peddled after the girls. Martha looked behind her.
Said Martha, “He’s behind us.”
Said Valerie, “We’ll keep peddling down High Street until we reach Clintonville.”
Said Martha, “Our dormitory is in Lincoln Towers.”
Replied Valerie, “Never climb the stairs when a homicidal maniac is after you.”
Valerie and Martha peddled down High Street. Dwight was a few feed away. The girls were faster on their bicycles. They reached the edge of the north campus section of High Street.
They peddled towards Clintonville.
Said Martha, “We’re going the wrong direction. The police station is on....”
Interrupted Valerie, “The police station is beyond the Short North. Dwight is gay. You never lead a faggot towards his home turf. My boyfriend lives in Clintonville.”
Both girls peddled down High Street. They raced past a collection of stores. They didn’t bother to look behind them. The girls eventually reached the Graceland Shopping Center. It was only a few miles behind Wetstone and Park of the Roses. The Graceland Shopping Mall was built around a large parking lot. It was a crumbling strip mall. It’s used as a park and ride for the Columbus Transit Authority bus. Valerie and Martha peddled their bicycles around the parking lot of the Graceland Shopping Mall. Dwight never appeared. Both girls stopped their bicycles.
Said Martha, “He gave up too easily.”
Said Valerie, “It’s a trick.”
Valerie heard the sound of a bicycle behind her. She peddled her bicycle forward.. She looked behind her. Dwight swung a knife. He only missed her by a few inches. Martha peddled the opposite direction. Martha peddled towards the center of the parking lot. Valerie peddled along the left side of the parking lot. Dwight peddled towards Martha.
Martha stopped her bicycle. She picked up a tree branch. She waited for Dwight to peddle towards her. She shoved the tree branch into the spokes of his bicycle. Dwight crashed to the asphalt. Martha got on her bicycle. She peddled away from Dwight.
Valerie waited for Martha at the edge of the left side of the Graceland Shopping Mall parking lot. Martha peddled towards Valerie. Martha stopped her bicycle. She looked behind her. Dwight and his bicycle vanished from sight.
Said Martha, “He’s hiding behind an automobile. What are we doing here? Let’s get out of here? Is your boyfriend’s apartment nearby?”
Replied Valerie, “My boyfriend lives across the street from the Graceland Shopping Mall. Is Dwight out of action? I don’t want to climb the stairs if he’s still homicidal.”
“You’re used to this.”
“I have nineteen years of experience. I’m Dwight Ambrose’s number one enemy.”
“He can’t walk far after the tree branch in the bike spokes trick.”
“Where did he fall?”
“Nearby the blue Ford. Let’s telephone the police. I want to get out of here.”
“He’s waiting for us to come closer.”
“I don’t want to come closer.”
“I want to make sure he’s out of action. I’m moving closer.”
The parking lot for the Graceland Shopping Mall was horizontal as opposed to the standard vertical design for strip malls. The only reason for it’s design was it’s location. The Graceland Shopping Mall was next door to a cheap Days Inn Hotel. Valerie and Martha stopped their bicycles in front of a Big Bear Supermarket. They entered the grocery store. Dwight didn’t waste time. He stopped his bicycle and got off. He entered the Big Bear Supermarket. There were cheap plywood furniture and medication to the left. Groceries were to the right.
Dwight spotted the girls. He chased them from the cheap plywood furniture to the hot and cold cereals. Valerie and Martha stood in front of Dwight. Valerie pulled out her handgun. She fired several bullets towards her attacker. Dwight dove for cover. He ran from the hot and cold cereal section to the salad dressing section. Both girls chased after him.
Dwight screamed, “Where the fuck did you get that thing?”
Valerie screamed, “It doesn’t matter where I got it. I’m tired of your sexual harassment! I’m fighting back!”
Dwight screamed, “A grocery store is a hell of a place to learn self-defense techniques.”
Said Martha, “Hand over that laser beam wrist watch. I have better aim.”
Dwight screamed, “You girls are crazy!”
Valerie gave Martha her handgun. Martha fired several bulletw into several bottles of salad dressing. Dwight nearly slipped on a puddle of ranch dressing as he ran for cover. He ran from the salad dressing towards the produce and the bakery. Martha handed the handgun back to Valerie. Valerie fired several bullets. Dwight shoved shopping carts in front of the girls. He raced outside. Valerie and Martha dodged the shopping carts. Valerie placed her handgun back into her holster. Both girls exited the Big Bear Supermarket. The girls returned to their bicycles.
Said Valerie, “We were so close to killing that loser.”
Said Martha, “It’s illegal to steal stuff from the police impound.”
“The criminal case was wrapped up. The police won’t miss it.”
“What you done was still illegal!”
Valerie peddled her bicycle towards the blue Ford. Martha peddled behind her. Valerie approached the blue Ford. She peddled around to the other side. Dwight’s bike was left nearby the passenger door. The car door opened. Dwight emerged from the car. He swung his knife two inches from Martha’s breasts. Martha was still mounted on her bike when she tried to slam the car door on his left arm. He blocked her action.
Said Dwight, “I don’t normally murder every girl I encounter. You’re the exception.”
Valerie slashed both tires of Dwight’s bicycle. Valerie and Martha peddled away from the blue Ford towards the left side of the parking lot. Both girls stopped their bicycles. The spun around. Dwight Ambrose vanished.
Asked Martha, “He’s still hiding in the Blue Ford? He doesn’t own that car.”
Said Valerie, “He’ll run us over with that car.”
“How long will it take to replace his bike tires? Two days? Unless he’s going to kill us without his bicycle. We’ll hide in your boyfriend’s apartment.”
“I don’t like climbing the stairs. Not when I have a maniac stalking me for the past nineteen years. We’re screwed.”
“I wish we had a gun instead of a knife. We could shoot him long distance. A face to face battle is too risky. He could use the knife against us.”
“My laser beam wrist watch still works.”
“He’s hiding behind a goddam car. I need to shoot him closer.”
“Then fire closer.”
“I nearly died when I moved closer. I won’t be lucky a second time. You try it.”
Both girls peddled their bikes towards the crosswalk. None of them looked behind them.
Dwight screamed, “You fucking bitches! Both of you are going to die!” A light signaled the girls to cross High Street. Both girls peddled their bikes across High Street. Graceland Shopping Mall got smaller and smaller. Dwight screams got louder. He yelled, “Your mommies and your daddies will bury two precious daughters when I’m done with you!” Martha Atkins and Valerie Wooster peddled towards Blockbuster Video.
******
Dana Zevulon wore eyeglasses. She was born in Tel-Aviv, Israel. She was nineteen years old and spent most of her life in Tel-Aviv. She’s a foreign exchange student living in Columbus, Ohio. She’s the youngest in her small cluster of friends. Most of her friends were already thirty years old. Most of them were Ohio State University students. Dana was in the Blockbuster Video Store across from the Graceland Shopping Mall. Both the Graceland Shopping Mall and the Blockbuster Video Store was on Green Crest Drive. Dana Zevulon faced her brother Mickey Zevulon.
Said Mickey, “American Psycho surprised me. That film left out all the cool murder scenes from the damn novel. I wanted to see that maniac shove a mouse down a poor girl’s vagina. I wanted to see a girl get hooked up to a car battery. I wanted to see the maniac slice out a girl’s tongue and nail it to the wall.”
Said Dana, ”Yuck, that’s so disgusting. I’m surprised you’re literate enough to read anything beyond twenty pages. A woman directed the film version.”
“I should’ve known. Have you listened to Madonna’s latest musical incarnation? Does it make you yearn for the old material from the nineteen eighties? Does it make you yearn for the return of the cone bra?”
“I’m thirty-four years old. Madonna is forty-four years old. She’s closer to fifty than me. She’ll be seventy someday. Then she’ll be eighty. Then she’ll be ninety. Do you want Madonna to wear a cone bra and masturbate on stage when she’s ninety years old? Does a wrinkled ninety year old woman with wrinkles, grey hair, age spots with a cone bra worn over her dress turns you on? She’ll be forced into the elder senior citizen statesman role sooner or later. Maybe Madonna will destroy whoever forced her to be spiritual and metaphorical in the nineteen nineties, but her revenge will have tragic consequences. Madonna will lose her relevance when she’s still wearing a cone bra when she’s ninety years old. Nobody wants a ninety year old cup cake Playboy centerfold. It’s a sad fact of life, but it’s true. Nobody is getting younger. “
”Damn it, you’re ruining the fun.”
“Somebody must splash cold water on your diatribe. Are you truly rescuing Madonna when you prevent her from becoming intellectual and spiritual? Marilyn Monroe died because nobody wanted to hear anything intelligent. Then she realized that her Playboy centerfold cupcake routine will end when she becomes a senior citizen. She chose to die rather than become outdated relic nobody cares about.”
“Blame it on the sexist pigs.”
“Women needs somebody to blame.”
“The only people who mistaken you for a sex symbol worked in the grocery store industry.”
“I don’t need to be a sex symbol. I used to be an athlete. I was active in women’s gymnastics. I only did one gymnastics tournament when I was twelve years old. I wrecked my spine and right foot on the vaulting horse. The medical doctor told me that I would’ve died if I attempted the vaulting horse a second time. What does a girl do when she’s washed up in women’s gymnastics before she could menstruate? I gave bicycle racing a try. I started work at Blockbuster video rental shop. I graduated high school. I enrolled in college. What else is a burned out gymnast is going to do. Let’s set the default for Columbus, Ohio in January 11, 1980.”
“Hah. You were twelve years old in 1979. You were in seventh grade in 1981. You were in eight grade in 1982. You were a freshman in high school in 1983. You graduated high school in 1986. You were not legally an adult until 1989. Disco was still fashionable the last time you hit the vaulting horse. Don’t you think a lot of people have forgotten your vaulting horse disaster?”
“My spine still aches. My right leg still aches. I should’ve spent an extra two years in high school.”
“Who was your former gymnastics coach in 1980? Kurt Donner? He still lives in Columbus, Ohio.”
“I don’t care. My career in gymnastics ended when I was twelve years old in 1979. I never won a medal.”
“You had the talent to win a medal.”
“The vaulting horse disagreed with your opinion.”
“You’re Playboy centerfold career could only continue if you worked as a grocery store cashier.”
“Put a sock in it asshole.”
“You got the worst sex life in Columbus, Ohio.”
“Whoever ends up dating me is a lucky dude. He won’t catch me cheating on him. How could anybody mistaken me for a slut? My sex life is non-existent. Purchasing porn magazines doesn’t count as man hungry.”
“Date Siou is dead.”
“Good. He deserves to die.”
“He killed a lot of girls before he died.”
“Those murders wasn’t necessary.”
“Some guys insist that Dante didn’t go far enough.”
“How much further did Dante need to go?”
“How the Hell should I know?”
“Dante Siou went far enough. He’s dead. I’m glad he’s dead.”
“What happens now?”
“We’ll finish up our shift at Blockbuster Video Rental shop. What more do we need to accomplish?”
“We’ll never earn a decent salary.”
“So what, who gives a shit? My athletic career is gone. My spine and right leg is a fucking mess. I’m a has been before I ever started. I’m lucky to be employed. I never earned a dime from my career in gymnastics before it ended. I can’t go back to the way it was. That’s impossible. I’m thirty-four years old. I’ve aged too much. All women gymnastics athletes are retired when they turn thirty-four.”
“We’re living in a cruel world.”
Martha Atkins and Valerie Wooster entered the Blockbuster Video Rental store on Green Crest Drive. Their bicycles were locked up near the front of the store. Martha checked the parking lot through the window. Valerie walked towards the cash register. Valerie and Mickey shared a long romantic kiss.
Asked Dana, “What’s going on?”
Relied Valerie, “Do you remember Dwight Ambrose? He threatened to murder me and anybody friendly with me? He’s back. He tried to kill me in the Graceland Shopping Mall parking lot. He tried to kill Martha.”
Said Dana, “He’ll try to murder me too. Guilt by association. Thanks. I needed that.”
Said Martha, “Valerie and I are at the end of our ropes. We’ll die if we don’t find shelter. His bike tires were slashed. He slammed into the pavement. He endured worse. His apartment is nearby. He owns plenty of replacement tires. Valerie and I will die two hours from now if we don’t find shelter.”
Said Dana, “I’ll die too if Dwight Ambrose enters this store.”
Said Valerie, “You’re our best friend. You’ll die eventually.”
Said Mickey, “I don’t want to be caught in the crossfire.”
Said Martha, “Sorry dude, you’ll die if you don’t help us. You’re guilty by association.”
Said Mickey, “Dana and I must finish up our shift.”
Said Martha, “Only a retarded girl would walk outside when Dwight is patrolling High Street.”
Said Valerie, “Dwight Ambrose is on a mission to save Columbus, Ohio from cute helpless girls like Martha, your baby sister and I.”
Said Dana, “Do you want to bury your baby sister underground?”
Said Mickey, “I don’t want to bury anybody underground.”
Said Martha, “So you’re helping us? Cool.”
Said Valerie, “Martha and I won’t fuck around with the customers.”
Said Dana, “I’m your best friend. I’ll be in the graveyard if I refuse.”
Said Valerie, “That’s the spirit.”
Said Dana, “I can’t believe I agreed to this. I’m so fucking screwed.”
******
Madora Kahn was a victim of expectations she could never fulfill. She didn’t have backstage access. She didn’t have mansion, tour bus, limousine, hotel room and recording studio access. She only has eight dollars in her saving account. She’s unable to maintain a surplus of anything above eight dollars. Most of her cash is spent paying the bills. She’s paying for the electricity. She’s paying for the natural gas. She’s paying her credit card bills. She’s cursing the day she filled out an application for a credit card. Fast food is her only source of income. Madora is a terrible employee. She’s always getting fired. Maybe she’s too lazy. She wasn’t the sort of girl you should force into anything. Madora was stuck in poverty. She’s got nothing to lose.
Madora Kahn walked downstairs to the Paperback Book Exchange with Ohio State University Art student Heather Mansfield. Both women were drinking cappuccino as they entered the subterranean bookstore, magazine shop and comic book store. The Paperback Exchange was tiny. It was also a disorganized mess. None of the books were ever organized by genre nor were they organized alphabetically by author’s last name. None of the magazines were sorted by genre, topic, date or organized alphabetically. The magazines were tossed in several piles that only made sense to the long haired hippie who owned the store. An elderly man had to wear a special mask just to sort through the pile for the magazine and topic the purchaser desired. Assuming the damn thing is in stock. Despite the store’s name, you can’t sell anything to the owner.
Heather Mansfield was a Caucasian with messy pixie gamine brunette hair. The women walked towards the comic book racks of the subterranean book store. Marvel comic books was on one wooden rack. D.C. comic books was on the second wooden rack. Dark Horse, Image and other independent comic books were on a metal rack. Half of the comics were bent on the spine in several places. The Cash Register Clerk was soured by Madora and Heather’s arrival. He looked at both girls with hateful suspicion.
Asked Heather, “You died twice? Why are you still living here? I’d be a fucking hermit if I were you. Maybe you could race back to India. Beg assistance from your relatives.”
Said Madora, “I’m not from India. I’m from Bangladesh.”
“What’s the difference? Bangladesh used to be called East Pakistan.”
“Bangladesh and Pakistan hates India.”
“Hey look, The Batman comic books has an interesting storyline. Bruce Wayne is accused of rape and murder. He obviously didn’t do it because Bruce was on patrol as Batman in the opposite end of Gotham. But he can’t tell the police and the Prosecution Attorney that without blowing his cover.”
“The Bruce Wayne Murderer Storyline is so fucking retarded. How long have Batman been trusting and relying on Police Commissioner Gordon? Since 1930? Eighty years of loyalty and friendship and Bruce still can’t tell the Gotham City Police his secret identity? That’s so fucking retarded. My faith in Bruce Wayne and his Batman identity have gone down the toilet.”
“What difference does that make? You never liked Bruce Wayne. You never purchase any of the Batman comics. You’ve been to New York City? What is it like?”
“It’s expensive. I decided to cut my expenses and return to Columbus, Ohio.”
The Owner of the Paperback Exchange approached the women. He said, “I got a stopwatch. Let’s see how long it would take to find a comic book and purchase it.”
Said Madora, “Go to Hell, I’m still making up my mind.”
Cash Register Clerk #1 said, “Hurry up ladies, the stopwatch is ticking. Make up your minds.”
Cash Register Clerk #2 said, “Last week, I saw you spend a full hour reading Batman comic books. You went from one side of the rack to the other side. Stop wasting our times and pick something.”
Said Madora, “Go to Hell loser.”
Madora Kahn and Heather Mansfield exited the Paperback Exchange. They walked towards the Columbus Transit Authority bus stop. The COTA bus was slowing to the stop. Both girls ran to the bus stop. The COTA bus stopped in front of them. Both girls climbed inside. They got a free ride when they showed their Ohio State University student identification. Both girls sat down near the front.
Said Madora, “Where was I? Oh yes, we were talking about comic books. Do you realize how man crossover events there were in the Batman and the Superman comic books alone? The death of Superman, The Death of Clark Kent and The Fall of Metropolis. Gotham City falls in Contagion. Gotham City falls again in No Man’s Land. The Joker’s about to die in The Joker’s Last Laugh. Bruce Wayne is replaced by Jean Pul Valley in Night Fall. Jean Paul Valley didn’t last long. Such a pity. He had potential. Now we’re expected to believe the Bruce Wayne Identity will vanish forever? D.C. comics is only interested in your cash.”
Said Heather, “I don’t understand comic books. It takes too much room and it’s too expensive.”
“Comic books are only two dollars each.”
“Comic books are expensive if you purchase ten comics a week. That’s over twenty dollars each week. Eighty dollars each month. Eighty dollars for only twenty-two pages of artwork with minimal text.”
The COTA bus stopped in the intersection of High Street and Fifteenth Avenue. The two women got out. They walked into a record store called The House of Music. Heather pulled out a thermos from her backpack. It was a thermos of coffee. She drank coffee from the thermos. Both girls walked around the independent record store. The Owner of the House of Music and Cashier #2 looked at the girls with suspicion. The women walked towards the rear of the store.
Said Madora, “What’s the motivation for purchasing a comic book? Are you reading a comic book for the story? Are you reading the comic for the artwork. All the guys are muscular. All the women are anorexic fashion models. Everything is much too perfect. I’m tired of steroids and diet pills.”
Said Heather, “I heard about this chick. She dropped out of college and quit her job in fast food. She never got another job. She spends her life masturbating and reading comic books. She has plenty of cash. She won the lottery and never needs to work another day. The girl have vowed abstinence for celebrity rock stars.”
“That’s so fucking sad. Does the celebrity rock star knows she vowed abstinence.”
“I don’t know if that story is true. It’s an urban legend.”
“That’s a pity. I would love to have met her. Is there truly urban legends for masturbating slackers who can’t land a date?”
“There’s hope for everybody.”
Heather accidently spilled coffee all over a pile of compact disks in the mainstream rock section of the record store. She walked towards the front of the store. The Owner of the House of Music looked at Heather and Madora with hatred.
The Owner of the House of Music asked, “Pardon me ladies, did you just spill coffee all over my records?”
Said Madora, “I don’t have a towel.”
Said Cashier #2, “Thanks a lot you jerk!”
Said the Owner of the House of Music, “Get out! Never come back! I don’t need losers like you to mess up business!”
Said Madora, “It’s only coffee you retard. Relax!”
Madora Kahn and Heather Mansfield walked out of the House of Music. They walked down High Street.
Said Heather, “Congratulations! We got thrown out of two stores in a row. That has to be a world record.”
Said Madora, “Maybe we’ll get lucky and annoy another person. We could get thrown out of a third store.
I never knew I had the capacity to be so annoying.”
Both girls walked past a Subway Sandwich Restaurant. They spotted a guy about to clock onto work. He was still dressed in his street clothing.
“Yum! I’m hungry for a sandwich.”
“Your check to pay the rent have bounced. You’re going to be homeless if you don’t repay the rent with a fifty dollar bounced check fee. Is that hot stud going to let you sleep at his apartment when you wreck your budget for hedonistic pornography.”
“It wasn’t necessary for the check to bounce. I had more than enough.”
“You spent twenty-seven dollars on needless pornography. You were short twenty-seven dollars.“
”I had more than enough.”
“You squandered most of the cash on pornography. For what? Your enemies won’t suddenly appreciate you. Your friends don’t give a shit! You’re about to masturbate your way into homelessness. Would this hot guy like to invite you to his apartment when your landlord tosses you out?”
“You’re so fucking boring.”
“I’m just as perverted! I’m also sensible. A pervert is useless if she doesn’t have a roof over her head.”
Madora and Heather tried to cross High Street. A middle aged woman was driving a black sports car. She stopped suddenly. Madora and Heather crossed to the middle of High Street.
The Middle Aged Woman cried, “What where you’re going! I nearly ran you over!”
A van drove in front of Heather and Madora. The Bald Teenage Boy inside the van flipped the bird at both girls. The Van drove off before either girl could retaliate verbally.
Said Heather, “Nobody in Columbus, Ohio likes us. Why are we the bane of everybody’s existence?”
Replied Madora, “I don’t know. I don’t care. Is it possible for a girl to find sexual stimulation for free?”
Madora Kahn and Heather Mansfield reached the other side of High Street. They walked towards the Psychology and Sports Library nearby the Ohio State University Campus Center.
“The guy clocking in to work at Subway Sandwich Shop was hot. He looked hot.”
“There will be plenty of hot looking guys in cool outfits when the summer arrives. It’s early Spring. All the guys will be bundled up. Guy watching isn’t much fun today.”
“Hello hot guy who is about to clock in to work. I’m about to be evicted, but watching you walk around in that shirt is worth it. I’m going to be homelessness next week. Can I stay with you?”
“My sex life is pathetic. I need to have sex. The last time I fucked a guy was August 15, 1999. He dumped me or was it the other way around. He telephoned me thirty times in the same day. What’s today’s date?”
“It’s March 11, 2002.”
“Oh Krishna, maybe it’s time to cave in to my primitive carnal desires.”
“You didn’t have sex for three years and you only recently discovered you need to get laid?”
“I had a lot of stuff on my mind.”
Madora Kahn finished her coffee just in time for the Columbus Transit Authority Bus to arrive. She walked inside the bus. Heather Mansfield followed close behind. Both girls tossed their purses and backpacks on the seat. Madora still held an empty paper coffee cup.
Cried out the Public Bus Driver, “Pay for the goddamn ride.”
Said Heather, “We will. Our purses and backpacks are heavy. We need time to find the bus passes.”
Cried out the Public Bus Driver, “I don’t give free rides. Pay for the bus ride now!”
Heather and Madora walked towards the Public Bus Driver.
Cried out the Public Bus Driver, “Take your garbage off my seats or else I’m calling the police. Sealing rides from the Columbus Transit Authority is a felony. Move it ladies!”
Cried out Madora, “Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone of voice!”
Cried out the Public Bus Driver, “The longer you refuse to pay for the public bus ride is more minutes of inconvenience to your fellow passengers! Use your brains!”
Madora grabbed two purses and two backpacks. She shoved enough money for two public bus rides. The girl spotted a small plastic trash bag. She tried to shove her coffee cup inside. The girl was so frustrated, that she pressed down too hard. The small plastic trash bag fell to the ground with a thud.
Cried out the Public Bus Driver, “Get out of my public bus if you can’t ride inside it like a mature person. Get out now before I telephone the police!”
Cried out Heather, “We paid for the fucking ride! So fucking chill out!”
Cried out the Public Bus Driver, “Get out you worthless degenerates.”
Heather Mansfield and Madora Kahn stormed out of the Columbus Public Bus. The public bus drove away. A car drove past both women. A man poked his head out. The Drive-by Man Screamed, “Get a life losers!”
Asked Heather, “I never saw so many rude people in Ohio State before. What the fuck? Did we stumble into New York City by accident?”
Said Madora, “The Public Bus Driver was an asshole! We lost three dollars needlessly. I’m going to wake up and today will be a very bad dream.”
Said Heather, “If only life were that simple.”
******
What was Columbus, Ohio like in 1980? There wasn’t much skyscrapers. There were more farms. The Ohio State Penitentiary was still a massive eyesore in downtown Columbus. The Columbus Convention Center on North High Street wasn’t built yet. The Columbus Trolley Train Station wasn’t torn down yet. The massive marble structure was a joy to behold. Sadly, the Trolley was discontinued and the Trolley Train Station was falling apart.
Twelve year old Dana Zevulon walked into the decayed structure. Wooden seats were partially smashed. Marble Greek style columns were collecting cobwebs. The floor and the walls were solid marble. Even the ceiling boasted elegance. The trolley train cars were rusting with age. Fifteen year old Mickey raced ahead of her.
Cried out Mickey, “Oh wow, I’m still waiting for the trolleys to return.”
Said Dana, “The trolleys are dead. They’ll never return. The Mayor of Columbus wants to tear this building down. The Governor of Ohio agrees.”
Said Mickey, “This building is beautiful? Why would anybody tear this structure down”
Said Dana, “Gasoline powered buses are cheaper.”
Cried out Mrs Zevulon, “I told the both of you never to enter this building. It isn’t safe anymore.”
Said Dana, “This building is solid marble.”
Said Mr. Zevulon, “It’s going to crush you both if it falls apart. It’s going to fall apart eventually.”
Cried Dana, “Oh Mommy, you’re no fun.”
Said Mrs Zevulon, “We need to get ready for the gymnastics tournament. You’re heading for a bright future. You’re twelve years old. You’re young enough and light enough to get everybody to pay attention.”
Dana turned around. Her Mother, her Father and her Gymnastics Coach entered the old Columbus Trolley Train Station.
Said the Gymnastics Coach, “You’re heading for a bright future if you get high scores on the uneven bars and the vaulting horse.”
******
College student Dana Zevulon tossed and turned next to her boyfriend Roger Myers. She was spending the night in her boyfriend’s apartment. Beads of sweat were rolling down her breasts.
******
Twelve year old Dana Zevulon was still flat chested. She wasn’t even menstruating. Yet, she was called a woman when it came to gymnastics. Not a child. Not a girl. A woman. Funny. She didn’t feel like a woman yet.
Twelve year old Dana looked at the Gymnastics Coach. He smiled with reassurance. He bullied her into a strict diet and a stricter exercise routine. He was warm and compassionate only if he had the results he desired. Dana was nervous. Her coach wasn’t. Normally, the Gymnastics Coach would be in the audience with a clip board and binoculars. He was standing on the floor itself. He never stood next to her on the floor before.
Said the Gymnastics Coach, “Be brave. Take control of the vaulting horse. It’s a tool for you success.”
Said Dana, “It isn’t high enough. It’s still measured for a man’s height.”
Said the Gymnastics Coach, “The height of the vaulting horse is perfect. I’m never wrong. Do it!”
Dana ran towards the vaulting horse. She ran faster and faster. She jumped on the spring. She flew upside down towards the vaulting horse. She realized too late the height truly was too low. Only her left hand reached the vaulting horse. She sailed backwards to the floor. She felt a sharp crack in her spine. The twelve year old girl cried. Her career in gymnastics was over. She’ll never enter the Championships. Her Mother and Father raced towards her. Mickey was held back. The Gymnastics Coach raced towards her.
Said the Gymnastics Coach, “Let me through. She needs to take another vault if she’s going to win first place for the team.”
Said Mrs Zevulon, “Go away! My daughter won’t be vaulting for you anymore.! You’ve done enough damage to our daughter’s life.”
Said Mr Zevulon, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. We trusted you with our daughter. I”m going to contact my lawyer. You should hire a lawyer too.”
Said the Gymnastics Coach, “I’m sorry, but Dana is a wimp! She must do another vault!”
Cried out Dana, “It hurts Mommy! I can’t stand up!”
Said Mrs Zevulon, “Go away if you can’t assist us!”
The Gymnastics Coach said, “Your daughter is a crybaby. She’s an embarrassment to the gymnastics team. I’m embarrassed to have her as a former student!” He walked away.
******
Ohio State University student Dana Zevulon sat straight up. Her boyfriend Roger woke up. Beads of sweat were rolling down her breasts. Her nightgown was soaked in sweat. Roger held on to her.
Said Roger, “What’s wrong?”
Said Dana, “It wasn’t a dream. It was more like a memory. I relived my last gymnastics performance!”
“You were a child.”
“I was a hopeless crybaby.”
“You trusted the wrong man. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I never reached the Gymnastics Championships. I could’ve been a gymnastics star. I could’ve been on a box of Wheeties. I screwed up. I’m a failure. Now I’m too old and I’m too heavy. What can I do when I can’t be an athlete anymore?”
“I don’t know.”
“Neither do I. My spine still hurts.”
Roger and Dana lovingly kissed. Roger said, “Forget the past. Make love to me.” Roger and Dana kissed yet again. Roger ran his hands up and down her nightgown clad body. He entered the girl’s body. They kissed yet again. He ran his fingers across her hair. They kissed. She ran her hands up and down his naked body. He held her naked body close to his naked body. They kissed. He ejaculated inside the girl. She moaned with delight.
“Oh man, that feels so good.”
“I love you. Stay inside me.”
They kissed. He fondled her left breast with one hand. He other hand held her naked body close to his naked body. They kissed yet again. One of Dana’s hands held on to his naked body. Her other hand caressed his naked body. They kissed. He ejaculated inside her body. Their bodies separated. She lay next to him. The girl smiled as she directly faced him. He ran his left hand across her face.
JACQUELINE BE NIMBLE, JACQUELINE BE QUICK,
JACQUELINE SMASH APART THE GODDAMN CANDLE STICK!
Most Caucasians in Columbus lived either in the downtown which was the center of Columbus, Ohio. There were a few scattered Caucasians living around Otterbein College in Westerville. However, most of the outer fringes belonged to farmers, racial minorities and Native American Indian reservations. There were growing discontent with the Native American reservations. Efforts to force the Native American Indians off the reservations and forcefully relocated to another portion of the United States was openly discussed. However, nothing ever got accomplished beyond the planning stages.
The private residence of Verne and Margot Collins was located as close to the Scioto Native American Indian Reservation without intruding upon tribal lands. After the unexpected disappearance and rumored murders of Verne and Margot Collins, their son Brian Collins changed the appearance of the house. Yes, the house was always messy and disreputable. However, Brian Collins and his roommates, Reverend McNaughten aka the Tribulation, Kallis Kragan, his brother Sabastian Oliver Kragan and Emile Waugh has made the house appear even messier and disputable than previously.
The stench the house produced overwhelmed the four women as they entered the house. There was nobody home. The four women made sure of that when they scouted it out for a few hours before entering. Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski wasn’t sure what they were expected to find.
Jacqueline said, “What a filthy disgrace. I don’t get it. Why would Samuel prefer this dump instead of the Wildflower Girls sorority house.”
Danielle said, “I don’t have the vaguest idea. Samuel’s attitude problem puzzles me.”
Rachel Leah said, “I’m in favor of burning this goddamn dump. Does anybody second that motion.”
Hannah Jane said, “Don’t forget why we’re here. We’re supposed to be collecting Samuel Collins’ personal possessions. What happens to this house later on will be decided later.”
Rachel Leah said, “Oh come on it would only take a few seconds to torch this place. Who is going to miss this house. Forcing Brian Collins into homeless vagrancy would be a positive step forward.”
Danielle said, “There could be important clues that we might need for a later date.”
Rachel Leah said, “That’s a pitiful excuse and you know it.”
Jacqueline said, “I want to go on record as stating that I never wanted to do this in the first place.”
Rachel Leah said, “Will you please relax, nothing bad will happen. My instincts has never been askew before. My instincts isn’t going to be askew anytime soon.”
Danielle said, “Alright ladies, this is the plan. Hannah Jane and Rachel Leah will search for clues. Jacqueline and I will gather Samuel’s personal possessions. We’ll meet back here in a few minutes.”
Danielle and Jacqueline separated from Hannah Jane and Rachel Leah. They entered a tiny room across from Verne and Margot’s master bedroom. Brian Collins bedroom was located in the basement of the house. At least, that was the four girl’s assumption. Inside the tiny room was an animal cage with a filthy straw mat inside. There was filthy toys made of animal bones. Clothing was torn rags that was never washed. The only source of reading was the King James Holy Bible.
Jacqueline said, “I told you that getting Samuel’s personal possessions was a mistake. Verne and Margot kept their son Samuel Collins in an animal cage? What sick human being would do a thing like that?”
Danielle said, “I should’ve listened to you Jacqueline. Following through with Samuel’s request was a mistake. There’s nothing in this room that’s worth keeping. I’m going to be sick.”
“How could anybody do this for an extended period of time without getting caught?”
“This house was sufficiently isolated enough. There’s nobody around for miles to intervene. Maybe a few Native American Indians might overhear the ruckus, but they hasn’t done anything about it yet.”
“Let’s rejoin Hannah Jane and Rachel Leah. I’m seriously going to throw up if I stay here a second longer. There’s no excuse for treating a little child in this manner. No wonder he went psycho.”
Jacqueline and Danielle exited Samuel’s bedroom and reentered the living room. A hidden trapdoor was found in the living room floor. Hannah Jane and Rachel Leah was already downstairs inside the hidden bedroom of Brian Collins. Jacqueline and Danielle walked down a crude ladder to the hidden basement. Hannah Jane and Rachel Leah was already investigating a disturbing looking laboratory that almost resembled a torture chamber pretending to be a bedroom.
Rachel Leah asked, “I was expecting to see male child clothing and toys. What happened? Did you get lost up there?”
Danielle said, “Samuel Collins was dressed in rags and slept in an animal cage. His only toys was animal bones shaped like crude looking people. There’s nothing worth remembering or keeping.”
Hannah Jane said, “There are four female looking skeletons in the crematorium. I’m starting to wonder what asshole would place a crematorium in his goddam bedroom. What did this asshole do when he woke up in the morning? Did he crawl upstairs to the dinning room and asked his Mommy and Daddy if he could build a crematorium in his bedroom? He’s hoping to operate a funeral home in his bedroom. Mommy and Daddy wasted no time to agree. Part of the expense came from their own wallet? What sick human being would voluntarily live like this?”
Rachel Leah said, “Do I look like a psychiatrist? This goddamn house is way too messed up.”
Jacqueline said, “Please tell me there’s something nice about this goddamn house before we torch it?”
Rachel Leah said, “It appears as if the Tribulation has been resurrected. It appears as if the Tribulation is working alongside Brian Collins. It appears as if Brian Collins is a psychotic homosexual.”
Jacqueline said, “That’s not a nice thing. I could tell from this room that there’s no way Brian Collins could possibly be heterosexual. Brian Collins being gay explains a great deal. Brian Collins is a poster child explanation why homosexuals must never be allowed into the United States Armed forces. He isn’t doing the homosexual rights community any favors.”
Danielle said, “Brian Collins probably doesn’t see it that way.”
Rachel Leah said, “Psychotic lunatics are incapable of judging their own actions.”
Jacqueline asked, “What are Brian Collins and his newly made friends doing with their free time? Are they hanging out in a restaurant to eat a hamburger and french fries? How could they just calmly walk around out there without excessive guilt?”
Hannah Jane said, “Have you seen the food pantry? There’s nothing in there except rotting dead animals collecting flies. Eating a hamburger and french fries would be an improvement.”
Danielle said, “Honestly, what’s the point in going into law enforcement if there isn’t going to be any excessive fighting battles. The least the Tribulation and Brian Collins could do is give me somebody to chase after. I’m almost bored to tears.”
Rachel Leah walked towards a cluttered wooden table filled with weird looking inventions and bizarre blueprints. An orange color candle placed in a brass candle stick holder. There was a small magnifying glass attached to the brass candle stick holder. Rachel Leah dipped her lit candle into the candle wick of the flourescent orange candle. Light from the orange candle illuminated the tiny magnifying glass. The illuminated magnifying glass produced a crude thick flourescent orange beam of light.
Hannah Jane said, “I wouldn’t mess around with these things. Remember those four female looking skeletons found in the crematorium. Clearly a few of these bizarre looking gizmos are deadly.”
Rachel Leah said, “There’s nothing lethal about a goddamn candle.”
Hannah Jane said, “I don’t care if that candle doesn’t look lethal. You should blow it out before it gets somebody hurt.”
Rachel Leah said, “This bizarre candlestick device is making an 1960 era laser beam device. I assumed such things were chronologically incorrect.”
Hannah Jane said, “You’re right, the bizarre candlestick device is chronologically incorrect. That’s why you shouldn’t be messing around with it.
Rachel Leah said, “You’re not much fun.”
Danielle said, “Don’t blow out the candle. We could use it to burn this goddamn house down.”
Jacqueline said, “We need dry firewood.”
Danielle said, “The entire house is made of wood. I’m pretty certain that the wood used to build the house has become dry and brittle. Even if the wood is soggy from a possible thunderstorm, we could cast a pyromania incantation. We don’t need that lit candle for the pyromania incantation.”
Jacqueline said, “Danielle’s plan makes sense. Blow out the candle Rachel Leah.”
Rachel Leah pulled out a tiny makeup mirror from her purse. She placed the tiny makeup mirror in front of the orange laser beam. The path of the laser beam was bent and redirected towards a wall in the opposite direction.
Rachel Leah said, “Cool, I always wanted to do that.”
Jacqueline said, “Stop messing around you goddamn idiot. Blow out the goddamn candle before I smash the damn thing to pieces.”
Rachel Leah said, “Will you please calm down! What’s wrong with a goddamn candlestick?”
Jacqueline picked up a sledgehammer from a workshop table. She slammed the sledgehammer into the bizarre brass candlestick. She kept slamming the sledgehammer until the bizarre brass candlestick was damaged beyond repair. The demolished candlestick fell to the floor with a loud clatter. Jacqueline tossed the sledgehammer onto the floor with a loud thud.
Jacqueline said, “That’s the correct method that you use when taking out the trash. Take those skeleton bones from the crematorium and place them into four separate baskets. We’re taking our sorority house sisters with us. It’s a mandatary necessity for friends to provide assistance to their sorority house sisters. It’s possible to perform a resurrection incantation on human skeleton remains if it’s done correctly.”
THE TEMPLE OF TE.G.AN. WI.K.A
Reverend McNaughten aka the Tribulation was the undisputed leader. The Tribulation was followed by a tiny group of followers who exclusively consist of Kallis Kragan, his brother Sabastian Oliver Kragan, Emile Waugh and Brian Collins. They form a male only resistence army against the Wildflower Girls called the Teenage Girl Anathematic Witch Killers Association. An abbreviation of that name was TE.G.AN. WI.K.A.
The temple headquarters for TE.G.AN. WI.K.A is stuck in an alternate dimension because an unknown girl owned building was in the way. Despite the fact that only men are allowed to enter and possess the Temple of TE.G.AN. WI.K.A, none of it’s limited male members are allowed to enter the complex. That distinction belongs to four teenage girls named Halle Miller, Corissa Shwartz, Rachel Shwartz and Denise Gerda.
The Temple of TE.G.AN. WI.K.A was a one floor building constructed with Victorian architecture. The building was made of stone and wood with stained glass windows everywhere. Half of the building was underwater and the other half wasn’t underwater. The church pews in the rear was above water. The church pews in the front was underwater. The church pulpit from which the church clergyman was to lead Sunday services was underwater. There is a diving board placed directly above the church pulpit and located a few feet to the right of a stone fountain. There were swimming pool tables and chairs on both side of the gay underwater sex swimming cool. Bathrooms were available for men, but not for women. There was a church organ next to a second gay underwater sex swimming pool devoted only for scuba diving. The gay scuba diving pool was roughly two miles long.
About a foot next to the underwater church pulpit was an above water fountain made of stone. There was two stone chairs on top of the stone fountain with homosexual sea monsters slithering on top and around it. To the right of the partially underwater church structure was a row of nineteen heavy oak beds that are implausabily floating on water. All nineteen floating heavy oak beds pointed towards the underwater tube crawling transportation device. Behind the four girls was an abandoned alcohol tavern and the exit to the Misogynist Doomsday Forest.
Rachel said, “Check it out, those gay men really know how to build some bizarre mind bending interior design. Too bad they’re evil. I really could use their help designing the Wildflower Girls estate.”
Denise said, “I’m thirsty. I’m getting myself something to drink.”
Halle said, “You’re a ghost Denise, you don’t get thirsty.”
Corissa said, “Don’t drink anything Denise, only men could drink at the alcohol tavern. Those same beverages are probably toxic if a female drank it.”
Halle said, “All four of us are ghosts. Poisoned beverages doesn’t affect us.”
Rachel said, “Does this place have a library?”
Denise said, “I don’t see a library in this building.”
Rachel asked, “How could anybody go through life without reading a book? This building could get very boring very quickly.”
Corissa said, “The excitement level of this building won’t matter after we blow it up.”
Rachel asked, ‘I was meaning to ask you about our plan to blow up this building. Is there a supernatural incantation to test the strength level of various locations of this building? Are we going to simply going to chant a detonation incantation anywhere we think looks flimsy? Do we know what we’re doing?”
Corissa said, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I never blew up a building with a detonation incantation before. There’s a first time for everything.”
Halle said, “This is the third time I died and was resurrected. I’m getting sick and tired of always getting murdered by the Tribulation. Something has to be done about that jerk.”
Denise said, “Good things will come to those who wait. First, we must get rid of this building.”
Halle said, “I would like to explore the Misogynist Doomsday Forest. I always enjoyed walking around in a wildlife preserve.”
Rachel said, “You’ll have plenty of chances to see the Misogynist Doomsday Forest after we blow up this building. We need to be racing for our lives out of this building and towards something.”
Halle said, “I would like to explore the Misogynist Doomsday Forest before we blow up this building.”
Denise faced Halle and asked, “Do you have rocks in your brain? That’s an idiotic suggestion.”
Halle said, “I don’t care what you think. I love to hang out in wildlife preserves. Look, you could do what you want. I’m checking out the forest.”
Halle raced past the alcohol tavern towards the exit.
Denise faced Corissa and Rachel. Denise said, “Are you going to just stand there and allow Halle to get herself murdered a fourth time?”
Corissa said, “I know we’re going to regret this. Alright, let’s go check out the goddamn gay forest.”
Denise, Corissa and Rachel walked past the alcohol tavern into the fake forest filled with fake Christmas trees. The fake trees were decorated with Christmas ornaments. There were fake statues of wild animals engaged in gay sexual behavior. There was a cave to the right of a huge cluster of Christmas trees. The cave had a French style gay gourmet restaurant inside.
Halle asked, “Why can’t gay terrorists build a super-villain headquarters that are practical. How are these faggots going to take over the world without guns, bombs, vehicles or anything else useful for an army? Don’t get me wrong. It’s fun to make fun of this place. However, it’s not practical. The person who built this place must’ve been stoned.”
Rachel said, “The person who built this place must’ve been schizophrenic.”
Denise said, “Oh yes, schizophrenia is a good way to describe this place.”
Corissa said, “The Misogynist Doomsday Forest needs to be blown up also. There’s no way any of this crap is going to be left intact. I’m already feeling sick to the stomach just looking at it.”
Halle said, “I’m going to check out the gay French restaurant that’s stuck inside the cave over there. What was the restaurant called? I can’t read the sign very well because it’s badly corroded.”
Denise said, “The abandoned restaurant is called the Big Bad Gay Bear Cave Cafe.”
Halle said, “The Tribulation could’ve picked a better name for his gay pride restaurant.”
Denise said, “What would you have called it?”
Halle said, “Gay Dorks Are Us Cafe would’ve been a better name. I’m sorry if I’m sounding abusive and homophobic. However, the Big Bad Gay Bear Cave Cafe simply doesn’t work for me.”
Halle walked backwards into a human hand. She spun around in battle ready pose only to find nineteen statues of Santa Clause. All nineteen statues of Santa Clause were standing in half military and half openly gay poses. Nineteen Santa Clause Sleighs without reindeer and loaded with Christmas presents was placed nearby. Halle checked a Christmas present package to find that it’s empty.
Corissa said, “I hope the United States Government taxpayer money wasn’t used to build this. Such a concept would be too scary and weird for comfort. If United States Government taxpayer money was used to build this place, then it would’ve been the ultimate pork barrel project of the century.”
Rachel said, “For fear of stating the obvious, where did everybody go? It’s weird that the only people inside the gay serial killer dimension are four heterosexual women.”
Halle said, “Maybe all the gay warriors who belong here are in storage. There is only way a gay warrior could emerge from storage. I’m guessing a heterosexual Wildflower Girl must be murdered and placed into storage in order for a gay serial killer to be released. Then this place will be populated again. Come on, let’s go.”
Rachel asked, “Where are we going?”
Halle said, “We’re going to eat dinner at the Big Bad Gay Bear Cave Cafe.”
Halle Miller, Corissa Shwartz, Rachel Shwartz and Denise Gerda entered the Big Bad Gay Bear Cave Cafe. The four women lit candles when they couldn’t find an electric light switch. Without natural light from the outside, candles was the only source of illumination.
******
Deborah Stanley, Susan Stanley and Zoe Stanley stood outside the Wildflower Girls Sorority House. The hot summer wind blew against the three women as they talked.
Susan said, “Alison isn’t being mean to you just for laughs. She has a lot on her mind. There are a lot of things that she’s responsible for.”
Deborah said, “I’m a busy woman with a lot of responsibilities also. You don’t see me arm twisting girls who already pledged loyalty.”
Susan said, “You keep forgetting that the psychology of Alison Taylor is radically different from you.”
Deborah said, “I’d like to think that Alison’s psychology is weaker and lesser than the three of us. We’ll never see her confessing that to anybody.”
Susan said, “It’s a mistake to expect somebody to behave contrary to their basic nature. It always ends with disappointment. You could gather together all the sacred religious signs, but you’ll always get the basic end result. Alison’s psychology is the way it’s always been.”
Zoe said, “When Alison is having another mood swing, the best thing to do is step out of the way. You won’t make a difference one way or the other. Alison will return to normal once she cheers up a bit.”
Deborah said, “Oh great, you’re going to have me wait for days. There were times when Alison was obsessed with arm twisting people who already pledged loyalties for an entire week. For ladies like Rebekah Catherine, the moodiness could last for an entire month.”
Zoe said, “I never told you that it was the most ideal solution. It’s something that will help you survive Alison’s current bing of moodiness. Always remember that whatever you feel pales in comparison to whatever Rebekah Catherine deals with. Poor Rebekah Catherine always has the wrong end of the stick. Alison loves to punish Rebekah Catherine simply for the crime of existing.”
Susan said, ”Poor Rebekah Catherine, I don’t envy that girl. She has the best and the worst of both worlds. However, I wouldn’t mind being in Rebekah Catherine’s high healed shoes when Alison is in a good mood. Oh yes, those are the good times.”
Deborah said, “Be careful Susan, I’m standing right here.”
Susan said, “Oh come on, I’m not telling you something that you don’t know about. Please don’t you dare give me the stupid act. Alison has been known to be a pleasant lady when she’s in a good mood. She’s capable of doing great things if you take the time to acknowledge those contributions.”
Deborah said, “It’s impossible for me to make Alison look evil if I acknowledge her capacity to do wonderful things. All three of us know that.”
Zoe replied, “Is it so bad to treat Alison like a positive human being once and a while.”
Deborah said, “I’ll be robbed of my scapegoat if I treat Alison like a civilized human being.”
Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Junior and Rebekah Catherine approached Deborah, Susan and Zoe. Alison wasn’t pleased with the conversation she overheard.
Alison said with a smile, “I never wanted to be your goddamn scapegoat in the first place. The next time you have a problem with me, talk to me first.”
Deborah said, “I’ll do whatever makes me feel satisfied.”
Rebekah Catherine faced Deborah and said, “There are days when I don’t understand you. What are you trying to prove?”
Deborah said, “I’m not trying to prove anything. I’m merely acting like myself. You might think that I’ve changed, but I’m still the same lady you’ve always known.”
Alison said, “Oh yes, that’s the problem. Even the terrible personality traits continue.”
Susan faced Deborah and said, “Please don’t argue with Alison. She always excelled in debate.”
Zoe faced Deborah and said, “Whatever you’re trying to prove, it’s not worth it.”
Alison faced Deborah and said, “You should listen to your minions more often. Your minions are often smarter than you.”
Deborah said, “My minions are still employed as minions because they have rocks in their head.”
Susan said, “Hey, I resent that remark.”
Zoe said, “You owe us both an apology.”
Deborah ignored Susan and Zoe. Deborah faced Alison and said, “I shall act against my better nature only once. I will reluctantly offer you a compliment. You don’t call attention to yourself. That’s important. A master criminal such as yourself never wants to call attention from outsiders. You never allow anybody to peak behind the curtain because most people have no idea you ever had a curtain. Most people just to the conclusion that you’re too empty headed to purchase a curtain.”
Susan asked, “I don’t understand. Of course Alison owns a curtain. How is she going to shower or bath without a curtain. What will she place in front of a window if she doesn’t own a curtain.”
Deborah faced Susan and said, “Silence you ignorant savage. I’m trying to be metaphorical.”
Susan faced Deborah and said, “Your sad attempt at metaphors doesn’t work very well.”
Richard Conlon and Nathan Shores approached Deborah, Susan, Zoe, Alison and Rebekah Catherine. Richard was holding twenty heads of cabbage and twenty carrots in a wicker basket. Nathan was holding sixty cucumbers and fifty green peppers in a wicker baskets. The load was very heavy and the two men were exhausted. Richard and Nathan was relieved for the chance to rest for a while. Both baskets were rested on the ground nearby the five women. Richard lovingly kissed Deborah. Nathan lovingly kissed Zoe. The two men took the time to acknowledge Susan, Alison and Rebekah Catherine.
Deborah faced Richard and asked, “Where have you been? You missed breakfast.”
Richard said, “Nathan and I were trying to find a tatoo parlor.”
Alison faced Richard and asked, “You were trying to find a tatoo parlor in the year 1860?”
Richard said, “My efforts wasn’t successful.”
Nathan said, “We met a pleasant farmer in our walk back home. The farmer and his wife were very friendly and offered us breakfast and tea. One thing lead to another. We ended up buying vegetables because the farmer was facing foreclosure. Now the farm is safe and I’m several dollars poorer. We have enough vegetables for a delicious salad.”
Alison faced Deborah and Zoe before saying, “Did I mention that the two of you are dating idiots?”
Deborah said, “You never missed an opportunity to remind me about that inconvenience.”
Lord Newel said, “All the best brilliant criminals have to start off somewhere.”
Rebekah Catherine faced Lord Newel and said, “Your capacity for moral judgement seems to function on a logic of it’s own. However, I do find myself agreeing with you. Anger can be an addicting drug if you allow yourself to get too carried away with it.”
Mitchie asked, “What happens if Samuel Collins never loosens up? We can’t keep him tied up to that chair forever. I don’t want to murder an eight year old child. I have nightmares about that sort of thing.”
Kyasi replied, “We may have no other choice. I’m hoping that somebody might have a better solution before we have to take a gun and waste the kid.”
Poetic faced Kyasi and said, “Your trips to nightmare land must be rather freaky.”
Kyasi faced Poetic and said, “I once told a psychiatrist, who isn’t connected to the Wildflower Girls , everything I dreamed about in graphic detail. Doctor Greene banished me from his office and filed a restraining order. He later changed his name and entered the witness protection plan.”
Kyasi faced Poetic and asked, “Dear Goddess, I never had that type of reaction from a psychiatrist. What type of nightmares did you share with Doctor Greene?”
Poetic faced Kyasi and said, “It’s a long story. Maybe I’ll talk to you about it in detail sometime.”
Psychedelic faced Poetic and said, “You’ve been promising that for years and you never followed through. You always had an excuse never to talk to me about what happened to Doctor Greene. Some people think that you murdered the guy.”
Poetic faced Psychedelic and said, “Those were lies spread by Doctor Dream to discredit me.”
Tatiana said, “I never knew that Doctor Dream and Doctor Greene were in cahoots together.”
Poetic said, “The genuine truth was that Doctor Dream and Doctor Greene never liked each other.”
Hannah Jane said, “I once dated a guy who looked and acted just like Doctor Dream. It was wonderful and passionate for the first two years. The dude was the perfect gentleman. Then he looked at me while having sex with me. He smiled and told me to get out. He was only three seconds from ejaculating into me. I had no idea what I have done wrong. He never spoke to me again. He never treated me like an equal, but would only interact with me as an enemy. I never understood why. I never done anything that was wrong or evil against him. I guess being born a girl was enough of a crime.”
Telegramatation said, “Some guys have no sense of style. What was the dudes name?”
Hannah Jane said, “The dude’s name was Tony Weaver. I still melt when I remember how he once greeted me with that soothing smile of his. It’s all in the past. Tony Weaver probably was born gay. Any dude who treated me so badly after two years of non-stop dating would have to be gay. Oh yes, did I mention that Tony Weaver’s unprovoked hostility against me would often cross city bounderies?”
Danielle said, “I thought you murdered Tony Weaver.”
Hannah Jane said, “I eventually was forced to murder Tony Weaver. He wouldn’t stop declaring war against me. He never explained why he needed to wage war against me.”
Hannah Jane said, “Sometimes I wonder if all gay men are born to be assholes. Maybe I should detonate a bomb into a gay men’s only nightclub and be done with the entire subculture.”
Veronique said, “Gay bashing isn’t going to repair anything. It wasn’t the gay lifestyle that drove Tony Weaver insane. It was his personality disorder that drove Tony Weaver insane.”
Hannah Jane said, “Doctor Dream went too far when he recruited Tony Weaver. Doctor Dream has a lot of explaining to do.”
Insane Jane said, “It won’t be the first time Doctor Dream did something incredibly disgusting. Anyway, we should talk about something much more pleasant. I’ve seen enough Doctor Dream hostility to last a lifetime. Doctor Dream always promises a big finish, but nothing of the sort ever seems to happen. It’s like he planted a mousetrap without a block of cheese. Sometimes he refuses to leave behind the trap. Everybody wants to predict doom because it’s fun, but nobody wants to be the catalyst.”
Kelsey said, “Oh come on ladies, try to be fair. I thought we made a vow not to talk about bad dates before breakfast. I don’t want to ruin my appetite.”
Danielle said, “Easy for you to say Kelsey. You never had a bad date. I once dated a guy named Marc Cowles. He was arrested by the cops halfway through a delicious meal at a gourmet restaurant I don’t remember the name of anymore. Why was Marc Cowles arrested? I’ll tell you. He murdered his ex-girlfriend and her brother. Both of the murdered victims were African-American. Why were the two innocent people slaughtered? Because one of them was pregnant with his child. Did I mention that Marc was Caucasian and racist. Yeah, some people wait until halfway through a date before you learn what an absolute jerk they really are.”
Jacqueline said, “I remember Marc Cowles. I murdered him last month.”
Danielle patted Jacqueline on the back. Danielle said with a smile, “Thanks for taking out the trash. There’s no way I’d be able to look at Marc Cowles in the face anymore after what he did to me.”
Phyllis said, “Don’t tell me, the answer is already obvious. You wasn’t aware of it until it was too late. Marc Cowles was also employed by Doctor Dream. That jerk keeps popping up all over the place.”
Jacqueline said, “The biggest surprise was how easy it was for me to murder Marc Cowles. He never put up much of a struggle. It only took five minutes for me to murder Marc Cowles. The biggest surprise was Doctor Dream. Doctor Dream just stood there while I killed his minion.”
Kyasi said, “It’s hard for a male sex crime offender to struggle when the girl who is killing him is blessed with invincible supernatural sorcery. It’s pretty much a one way battle the entire time.”
Rachel Leah said, “Hold on a second, I’m confused. I thought Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah hates the sight of Tony Weaver and Marc Cowles? That’s the story Rebekah Catherine told me yesterday.”
Tasha said, “Obviously, there’s a good reason why Doctor Dream lost every single battle against the Wildflower Girls. Doctor Dream was never a genius in inspiring loyalty from his minions.”
Kelsey said, “Do you have rocks in your head? I thought I told you ladies not to talk about bad dates before breakfast. Good grief, I have feelings too.”
Chandra Mortigan-Goth, Alexandria Miller, Samantha Petras, Donna Petras, Christine Marie Gannon, Christine Sixteen, Angela Heilman and Julie Ruin walked down the flight of stairs. All eight ladies entered the kitchen.
Alison faced Chandra and said, “Sleeping beauty finally wakes up. It’s about time you rose from your slumber. What time is it? It’s already almost noon.”
Chandra faced Alison and said, “Good morning to you too Alice. It’s nice to know that you’re pleasant and cheerful as always.”
Christine faced Alison and said, “Why are you attacking Chandra. She never done anything wrong. Not yet at any rate. I don’t know what you’re complaining about. We always have breakfast close to noon.”
Alison said, “I was hoping that we would be having breakfast earlier than noon for a change of pace.”
Angela said, “I was hoping we would enjoy breakfast in the dinning room for a change of pace. I’m sick and tired of always eating breakfast in the goddamn kitchen.”
Alison said, “Eating breakfast in the kitchen have always been Mitchie’s idea. I always fought against it, but Mitchie always prevailed.”
Angela faced Alison and said, “You’re supposed to be in charge. You could’ve overruled Mitchie anytime you wanted. Why don’t you ever use your veto power against Mitchie.”
Mitchie faced Alison and said, “Don’t listen to Angela. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
Alexandria said, “Why does it take four hours for Chandra to take a goddamn bath?”
Alison said, “Look at the bright side. Chandra isn’t spending four hours sobbing non-stop while taking a bath like Rebekah Catherine is prone to do.”
Rebekah Catherine said, “I don’t have uncontrollable sobbing fits when taking a bath.”
Lord Newel said, “Every time Rebekah Catherine borrows the shower facility in the hotel room that I’m staying at, the ritual is always the same. Rebekah Catherine starts out with a hot bath. She breaks down in tears. The water becomes cold because she won’t stop sobbing. I never understood why she needs to cry non-stop every time she takes a bath. She’s always cheerful before and after the bath.”
Alexandria asked, “Is Chandra sobbing in the bathtub instead of cleaning herself inside it? If so, she needs to see a psychiatrist. It’s starting to become a very bad habit.”
Poetic said, “Chandra was dumped by Marcel North three years ago and he hasn’t been seen since. Give the poor girl a break goddamn it. I’m sure she would’ve respected your feelings the next time you go through a nasty breakup with somebody.”
Chandra said, “What did I do that motivated Marcel’s abandonment? The last words he ever spoke to me was how horrible my masturbation habits were. I never knew that my masturbation habits were ever truly destructive. Why didn’t Marcel give me a chance to improve myself?”
Tasha said, “Marcel is a jerk who doesn’t realize who he carelessly tossed aside. You’re better off without him. Since you’re stuck in the time and space continuum for the past two years, you won’t have to worry about that restraining order he filed against you.” Chandra broke down in tears. Tasha frowned as she added, “Ok, I admit that wasn’t a tactful thing to say.”
Chandra said, “First Marcel broke up with me because he didn’t like the way I masturbate. Then he filed a restraining order. Third, I ended up getting stuck in the time and space continuum for two years non-stop. If my masturbation habits were a crucial issue, I can change my ways. I promise that I’ll never masturbate ever again.”
Julie said, “First, nobody could successfully promise never to masturbate ever again. That’s impossible. Even the most devout Roman Catholic priest needs to masturbate once in a while. You won’t need to masturbate so damn often if Marcel was good enough in bed.”
Chandra said, “Marcel lost interest in sexual intercourse.”
Christine Marie said, “I never met Marcel. However, from his description, he didn’t seem like the sort of person who would go overboard with an unprovoked vendetta.”
Chandra said, “Marcel used to be a homeless vagrant. Who knew what type of horrors he experienced.”
Samantha said, “I thought that homeless vagrants were the biggest champions of masturbation?”
Tatiana said, “Marcel North doesn’t believe in any sort of masturbation. I never understood why.”
Jacqueline said, “I never date anybody who makes a big deal about second guessing and controlling female masturbation as a pre-dating ritual. Such behavior is too bizarre to be taken seriously.”
Eva Petrik, Deborah Stanley, Susan Stanley, Zoe Stanley, Vanessa Wheel and Nehko-Chan Fugiyama walked down the flight of stairs and entered the kitchen.
Donna said, “Father Tucker, Reverend Katie, Doctor Gennifer and Nurse Angie are engaged in other activities. Almost everybody else is present and accounted for. It’s time for breakfast.”
The fact that Halle Miller, Corissa Shwartz, Rachel Shwartz and Denise Gerda are missing was almost on the verge of emerging from Donna’s consciousness. However, there was a supernatural force blocking such knowledge from all the Wildflower Girls present in the kitchen. The acknowledgment that she was forgetting something vanished from Donna’s mind almost as quickly as it arrived.
Deborah said, “I’m glad that Alison and Rebekah Catherine were waiting for me to arrive. They never grated me such courtesy in the past.”
Alison said, “You’re the type of woman that takes a while to get used to.”
Deborah said, “I assume that’s supposed to be taken as a compliment.”
Alison said, “You’re free to assume anything that you prefer. I stand behind all of my statements.”
Zoe faced Deborah and said, “Let’s not start a fist fight before breakfast. I’m too hungry to be of much use to you in a fist fight.”
Deborah faced Zoe and said, “I wasn’t going to have a fist fight against Alison and Rebekah Catherine before breakfast anyway. I never fist fight until after twelve in the afternoon. Oh look, it’s almost twelve in the afternoon already.”
Susan faced Deborah and Zoe and said, “There’s nothing wrong with brunch.”
Deborah faced Susan and said, “I do object to eating brunch that doesn’t incorporate lunch menu items.”
Susan faced Deborah and said, “Nobody is perfect. You’re always the exception to the golden rule.”
Deborah faced Alison and said, “You hear that. Somebody in the Wildflower Girls appreciates me.”
Alison faced Deborah and said, “The groveling from both of your subservient lackeys are meaningless.”
Deborah was about the punch Alison in the face, but backed off. Deborah was clearly fuming though. If she wasn’t fuming against Alison, then something else must’ve occupied her mind instead. Deborah’s blonde hair was cut in a pixie gamine style. An eyepatch covered what was left of her right eyeball. Even though she had a healing factor, her right eyeball was never restored to normal. Susan had long blonde hair. Zoe had long black hair. All three were dressed in 1860 era women dress attire.
Deborah faced Alison and said, “I don’t understand what your problem is, but there will be a reckonings someday. Trust me on that.”
Alison faced Deborah and said, “You keep saying that, but you never follow through.”
Eva said, “I’m hungry goddamn it. Can’t we stop fighting among ourselves and enjoy our meal.”
Alison replied, “Our enjoyment of breakfast depends on Deborah’s willingness to respect authority.”
Navaho Jo said, “Get off your high horse and rejoin the human race already. I’m sick of your goddamn condescending arrogance.”
Vanessa said, “I think we should all try to be nice to each other more often. We don’t want to end up saying things that we’ll never be able to take back. I’m going to eat breakfast even if nobody else is going to. I’m too starved to start a fasting bing on misguided principle.”
Nehko-Chan said, “Thank Goddess for fresh brewed coffee. Oh yes, it’s going to be a wonderful day after all. Let’s not forget mandatary physical fitness exercises for all the Wildflower Girls. Lord Newel is free to join along if he wants.”
Lord Newel replied, “It would be better if I stay indoors all day. My agoraphobia is acting up again.”
******
Halle Miller, Corissa Shwartz, Rachel Shwartz and Denise Gerda didn’t like what they saw when they woke up. Yes, they were legally dead. Their physical corpses were cremated by the Tribulation. Their ghosts were in an alternate dimension. The deserted building they were in used to be in the Earthly dimension, only to be pushed back into an alternate dimension realm. The one floor building, with victorian style architecture, was partially underwater. The underwater portions was filled with sea monsters that turn heterosexual men into homosexuals.
Rachel said, “I think we need to wear a bathing suit in order to walk around here.”
Denise said, “There isn’t a bathing suit changing room for men or women. I’m getting the impression that women isn’t allowed to enter this far into the building. How did we get here?”
Rachel said, “We must’ve teleported into this room. I’m starting to understand the Tribulation’s obsession with gay underwater sex. All of the surviving Wildflower Girls are the reason why this building was pushed out of the Earthly dimension realm and into this dimension realm. Our continued survival blocks this building’s ability to return to it’s rightful place.”
Halle asked, “What is the appropriate Earthly dimension realm location for this building?”
Rachel replied, “I don’t know the answer to that question. I still don’t understand most of the Tribulation’s death threats against us women. I see the gay underwater sex swimming pool. It’s empty and vacant. It’s clearly falling into ruin.”
Denise said, “None of us women are in a rush to repair the damaged building. I wish somebody would destroy this place rather than try to relocate it.”
Rachel said, “The geography doesn’t make sense. Where is the gay underwater sex tube crawling canals that permanently replaces female teleportation?”
Corissa said, “I’m starting to figure this place out. Do you see that heavy wooden bed that’s implausibly floating on the gay underwater sex swimming pool? I’m guessing that two people needs to lie down on that floating wooden bed in order for it to move forward or backwards. Only two people are allowed on the floating wooden bed at a time. A third person must either fall off and drown. Either that or fall off and become a homosexual guy. Since all four of us are women, the former option is going to happen.”
Denise said, “Alright, it’s nice to be here. Let’s teleport out of this goddamn building already.”
Halle said, “Hold on a second, don’t you want to blow up this building? Somebody must make the effort to rid the universe of the Tribulation’s wretched presence.”
Rachel said, “Halle’s suggestion makes sense. I’m in the mood for a detonation incantation. There should be enough supernatural supplies in this building to get the detonation incantation started.”
BREAKFAST WITH THE WILDFLOWER GIRLS
Chandra Mortigan-Goth’s long red hair fell into her face as she woke up. She was wearing her nightgown and dripping with sweat. She was sharing her bedroom with four other girls. Only Angela got to sleep in the bed. Christine Marie, Christine and Julie and herself slept on the floor. Chandra was the only girl out of five to wake up so early. She lay on the floor looking at the ceiling for thirty minutes before deciding to stand up. She walked out of the house in her nightgown and pumped water into buckets. She poured the buckets of water into the bathtub. She stripped naked and slipped into the bathtub. She bathed for two hours before other girls were knocking on the door to use the bathroom. She stood up and toweled herself off.
Dressed only in her bathrobe, Chandra exited the bathroom to face Alexandria.
Alexandria said, “It took you long enough. There are forty girls living in this house. I’m not trying to sound judgmental. However, you simply need to be a little bit more considerate.”
Chandra said, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
Alexandria said, “Oh yes, it better not happen again. I can’t believe the nerve of some people.”
Alexandria stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Chandra returned to the bedroom that she shared with Christine Sixteen, Christine Marie Gannon, Angela Heilman and Julie Ruin. Chandra was the only girl out of five who was still awake. Chandra slowly dressed in an 1860 era dress. She looked out of the window at the backyard. The hot summer breeze was blowing through the window and against her body. The hot summer breeze was lightly blowing back her hair. The curtains was blown around. Tears fell from her eyes. She still felt depressed.
Yes, her painful divorce trial was painful. She never recovered from Marcel North’s abandonment. Chandra was learning to function without Marcel. She never figured out why he left her. She never figured out why Marcel left the group. She didn’t know where he vanished to. She didn’t know where to start looking. Marcel was a homeless vagrant without a past, a destination or super-powers. She was stuck in 1860 and Marcel was stuck in 2004. She had too many questions and not enough answers.
******
It was Tatiana’s turn to cook breakfast. That was usually a moment to rejoice because Tatiana was a classically trained gourmet chef. She rarely got to show off her gourmet cooking skills recently. The lack of available food supplies in 1860 era Westerville, Ohio also limited her menu options. Tatiana wasn’t deterred. She made the best of the food supplies that was available to the Wildflower Girls. The buttermilk pancakes, sausages and coffee that she was making was heavenly.
Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Junior, Rebekah Catherine Wheel, Tasha Tillberg, Lord Fredrick Newel, Poetic Justice, Psychedelic Justice, Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski entered the kitchen.
Alison said, “Danielle, Hannah Jane, Rachel Leah and Jacqueline have told me that they had enough of your cooking. They would rather go on a horseback riding trip instead.”
Tatiana asked, “What would inspire those girls to say such horrible things. I worked very hard on these pancakes. I expect everybody to be present for breakfast. Otherwise, there would be no point to work in the kitchen for this long.”
Lord Newel said, “I’m certainly looking forward to your cooking.”
Tatiana said, “There we go, somebody appreciates my cooking. My day is already getting better.”
Danielle said, “I’m not trying to appear ungrateful.”
Tatiana said, “Then stop exhibiting ungrateful behavior. You can start to setting the table.”
Danielle said, “I’m not being truthful with you ladies. Samuel wants Hannah Jane, Rachel Leah, Jacqueline and myself to collect his personal possessions from his parents house.”
Rebekah Catherine asked, “If Samuel wanted you to jump off a cliff, would you do so?”
Danielle said, “You’re not being fair with me. Samuel’s personal possessions are important to him.”
Tasha said, “I thought abuse parents doesn’t allow their children to own personal possessions.”
Tatiana said, “Abuse parents does allow their children to own personal possessions. However, we’re going to invade that house as a group later in the week. Everything that we do must be group orientated. We’re a team, not a collective of individuals. We need to start thinking and acting like a team.”
Rachel Leah said, “Brian Collins might be working with the resurrected Tribulation.”
Alison said, “Yes, the thought has entered my mind. Please tell me why you want to battle against the Tribulation alone? What could you possibly accomplish with such behavior?”
Lord Newel said, “The Tribulation may become too powerful to stop if you wait until Sunday to attack his stronghold.”
Alison said, “An alternative theory is that the Tribulation will become weaker if we wait until Sunday to attack him. A male rape offender rises from the grave every time a Wildflower Girl is murdered in battle. That same exact male rape offender is forced back into the afterlife when the dead Wildflower Girl rises from the grave again. Stop using emotion to guide your actions and use logic instead.”
Hannah Jane said, “For Godess sake, listen to yourself. We kidnap an eight year old child and we won’t let him have any of his personal possessions. You claim we’re saving Samuel Collins from child abuse.”
Poetic said, “There are scars and bruises all over his body. Samuel admits that his father beat him almost unconscious every night without reason. Intervention is necessary.”
Hannah Jane said, “We’re also taking away Samuel’s masculinity being keeping him tied to a chair for days. Masculine pride is very fragile and we trampled across it way too often for comfort.”
Psychedelic said, “Samuel Collins will live with the disappointment of having his masculine pride trampled against. Samuel will become a better human being because of our actions.”
Hannah Jane said, “I hope we’re doing the right thing by kidnaping Samuel.”
Jacqueline said, “Maybe we won’t have to tie Samuel to a chair if he gets he has a teddy bear.”
Alison said, “We could always go to a store and purchase a teddy bear for Samuel.”
Jacqueline said, “That’s not the same thing.”
Alison said, “Do you see my face? This is my determined face. You won’t make any progress when I’m using my determined face.”
Jacqueline asked, “Suppose our kidnaping an eight year old child antics is crueler than anything that Verne and Margot Collins has done?”
Rebekah Catherine said, “Alison and I could live with the consequences of our actions because we know we’re doing the right thing. What about you? Can you live with the consequences of your actions?”
Danielle said, “We could end up in a lot of trouble because of this kidnaping stunt.”
Alison said, “That’s the story of my life.”
Rachel Leah asked, “Suppose our decision to kidnap an eight year old child leads to our impossible to prevent doom. Suppose the only way to prevent our doom is to retrieve Samuel’s personal possessions. Suppose the only way to do so is before the epic battle against the Tribulation on Sunday morning.”
Alison said, “Oh Goddess, you clearly gave no thought to what you’re saying. The answer is still no.”
Insane Jane Ballenger, Veronique Groshong Tracy Meijer Telegramatation, Kyasi Tea, Phyllis Gold and Ning Yuen Po Chu entered the kitchen.
Telegramatation asked, “What’s going on ladies.”
Lord Newel said, “Hey, I’m standing right here.”
Telegramatation faced Lord Newel and said, “Sorry, I keep forgetting that you’re a part of the group too. I’ll do better to remember your existence.”
Lord Newel faced Telegramatation and said, “Thanks for your words of encouragement.”
Alison said, “ Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski wants to do something stupid. Samuel Collins needs his personal possessions retrieved from his parents house before the epic battle on Sunday morning.”
Telegramatation said, “I’m sorry, but that’s the dumbest idea I’ve heard all day. The answer is no.”
Alison said, “Thanks for respecting my authority.”
Telegramatation said, “Hey, what are friends for.”
Alison said, “Samuel Collins, Erin Kirby, Kristina Ruth Randall, Misty Supple and Lori Supple is going to need food. Insane Jane Ballenger, Veronique Groshong Phyllis Gold and Ning Yuen Po Chu will replace Erin Kirby, Kristina Ruth Randall, Misty Supple and Lori Supple on guard duty. One or all four of you ladies will need to deliver food to the basement.”
Ning said, “Hurray, I always wanted to babysit the eight year old child from Hell.”
Phyllis said, “I must question the legalities of keeping an eight year old child tied to a chair for an entire week. It’s on the verge of becoming child abuse.”
Rebekah Catherine said, “I’m not in the mood to argue against you too. Just do as your told.”
Veronique said, “I don’t mind guard duty. I find it relaxing.”
Insane Jane said, “Whatever floats your boat. Personally, I can’t stand interacting with Samuel.”
Rebekah Catherine said, “You need to get used to Samuel because he’s going to be here for a while.”
Kyasi said, “When do I get guard duty? Please assign me on Thursday. I like guarding eight year old children on Thursday. Thursday is my favorite day of the week.”
Alison faced Kyasi and said, “You’re not doing guard duty. I need you for other endeavors. The lowest ranking girls gets the lowest ranking responsibilities.”
Kyasi said, “What a shame, I was looking forward to peeling potatoes.”
Ning said, “You can have my potato pealing responsibilities.”
Tatiana said, “Ning isn’t allowed to abdicate her potato pealing responsibility. She has the golden touch with the potato peeler that nobody else benefits from.”
Ning said, “I have to babysit an eight year old brat and peel potatoes? Is there any end to the cruelty?”
Mitchie entered the kitchen. She said, “I smell pancakes. I love pancakes. When are we eating.”
Tatiana said, “The breakfast table needs to be set first.”
Mitchie replied, “I’d rather eat breakfast in the kitchen.”
Tatiana faced Ning and said, “Here, make yourself useful and deliver some food to the people in the basement. They’re going to need to eat also.”
Navaho Jo Bearcloud-In-Sky and Kelsey Wanhainen walked down the stairs and they entered the kitchen. Both women were exhausted and weary from a lack of sleep.
Navaho Jo said, “I can’t believe that Doctor Dream wanted to make that person appear to be heroic. Who does he think he’s messing with. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day.”
Kelsey said, “Nobody ever accused Doctor Dream of being a genius. Remember the time he recruited Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah to join forces with Creep, Clown, Green Guy, Mask Man, Hat Boy and Lava Lord. Even Mistress Dream and Lord Valium thought it was a horrible idea.”
Navaho Jo said, “I can’t believe the plot twist shocker that Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah were never Caucasian. Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah were Chinese Jews. I never knew there were Jews living in China. I thought the Jewish Faith only had Caucasian members exclusively.”
Phyllis said, “Hold on a second, Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah were Chinese Jews? Since when were they Asian. The skin and hair looked Caucasian.”
Navaho Jo said, “The Asian heritage was subtle. You should’ve paid closer attention to the eyeballs. The rest of the body may have looked Caucasian, but the eyeballs were Asian.”
Phyllis said, “There’s no way that Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah were born Asian. Why would an Asian female convert to Judaism.”
Kelsey faced Phyllis and said, “Maybe if you spent more time fighting Doctor Dream and less time laughing at him, you would’ve paid more notice to Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah. Oh yes, those two women were certainly oriental.”
Phyllis said, “I don’t get it. Why would two oriental women attack the Wildflower Girls with the Dreidel of Doom? I never knew that Opium that was grown in 1860 could be so potent.”
Navaho Jo said, “It wasn’t a total waste of time. Hanukkah Girl and Lady Menorah really knew how to prepare a delicious bowl of matzah ball soup. That was followed with chicken chow mein.”
Ning said, “I need some help carrying breakfast to the basement. Care to help me out.”
Phyllis said, “Oh yes, Kelsey and I would love to help you out.”
Kelsey asked, “I’m going to help you out? I didn’t know that. That’s for volunteering me.”
Phyllis said, “Don’t mention it, what are friends for.”
Ning, Phyllis and Kelsey grabbed five platters of pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs and toast with orange juice and coffee. Or rather, four out of five would be drinking coffee. Anyway, Ning, Phyllis and Kelsey played the role of waitress as they carried the food down the stairs to the basement.
Kelsey said, “It would be nice if Samuel would stop threatening to murder us. It gets tiresome having to feed him like a goddamn infant.”
Ning said, “You know how it is. If you act like an infant, you get treated like an infant.”
Phyllis said, “I don’t understand why Samuel is still fighting against us. Surely he must understand the futility of his predicament.”
Ning, Phyllis and Kelsey reached the basement. Erin Kirby, Kristina Ruth Randall, Misty Supple and her sister Lori Supple was in the basement guarding Samuel Collins.
Erin said, “It’s about time you three showed up. I’m starving. I thought I would never get any food.”
Ning said, “You’re welcome. Please try to show more gratitude more time.”
Samuel said, “There’s no point in Erin showing more gratitude towards Ning. Both women are doomed do die sooner than they think.”
Misty said, “Samuel has been talking like that all morning. I’m very close to placing a gag back over his mouth. I never found babysitting more irritating in my life.”
Lori said, “Relax, it’s only for a few more hours. After a few hours of this fire and brimstone garbage, Samuel will become some other girl’s problem.”
Misty said, “It’s not going to happen fast enough for me.”
Kristina Ruth said, “I’m certainly grateful for nourishment. It’s a shame we can’t eat breakfast upstairs with the rest of the group. It’s a shame Samuel can’t be trusted to behave himself appropriately.”
Samuel said, “Go to hell! I despise every single one of you! There is nothing pleasant to remember about any of you ladies. Every single one of you is a goddamn piece of garbage. I’ll celebrate the day of your demise. The Wildflower Girls are doomed. I shall scorch the Earth with the blood of the Wildflower Girls. Your quest to kidnap me will be your tragic mistake. Mark me words young ladies, your doom will soon be approaching. I shall celebrate the obliteration of the Wildflower Girls.”
Ning said, “It’s nice to see you too. I hope you have a good day.”
Ning, Phyllis and Kelsey walked up the flight of stairs back to the kitchen. They rejoined the company of Tatiana Dragovic, Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Junior, Rebekah Catherine Wheel, Tasha Tillberg, Lord Fredrick Newel, Poetic Justice, Psychedelic Justice, Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes, Jacqueline Makowski, Insane Jane Ballenger, Veronique Groshong Tracy Meijer Telegramatation, Kyasi Tea, Mitchie Nakatani, Navaho Jo Bearcloud-In-Sky and Kelsey Wanhainen.
Ning said, “The breakfast platters have been delivered. However, I still think that Samuel should be drowned to death in a bathtub instead.”
Alison said, “Be patient. I know that Samuel will have a change of heart. We need to be patient a little bit longer than expected. Samuel has been brainwashed by some dangerous heartless lunatics. It takes a while for Samuel to recover from the damaging abuse he suffered from those monsters.”
Ning said, “It’s frustrating. It’s almost as if he enjoys being tied up like that.”
Mitchie said, “There are people out there who don’t know how to function properly. They would rather die than acknowledge the truth. It’s a sad way to function, but it’s out there.”
Ning said, “I’m reaching out my hand to help and he’s pushing me away. Why would he do a thing like that. What was he hoping to accomplish?”
Lord Newel said, “I’m speaking from experience when I’m saying this. Anger is an addicting drug. It gives you the illusion of strength and empowerment. You feel strong and invincible even when your world falls apart. Everybody likes you when you’re angry. It won’t matter if your alleged admirers exist only in your mind. The best thing about anger is that it never needs logic in order to function.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I’M BAFFLED, WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?
Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski lost track how long they’ve been guarding Samuel Collins. The four girls spent the night sleeping in shifts. Two girls would remain awake while the other two would sleep. In the morning, all four needed to be awake when Samuel started to stir. Samuel was still tied to a chair in the basement. Samuel wished he still had his knife to cut through the ropes that bind him to the chair.
In his captivity, he started to wonder why the rest of the girls wasn’t enthusiastic about finding Halle Miller, Corissa Shwartz, Rachel Shwartz and Denise Gerda. Were they planning a raid of his mother and father’s house later in the day. Or maybe all memories of the dead Wildflower Girls vanish from the minds of the living Wildflower Girls if a resurrection incantation isn’t rendered within twenty-four hours. That would only work if the dead Wildflower Girls were cloaked with an invisibility spell. However, there never is a statue of limitations on the resurrection incantations. To truly prevent a resurrection incantation from being rendered, all the Wildflower Girls must die.
Samuel heard about the difficulties of murdering Wildflower Girls from his brother Brian Collins. Those alleged proven techniques in murdering Wildflower Girls and keeping them dead were unproven folk tales. The Wildflower Girls were using a level of sorcery that no member of the male gender have succeeded in equaling or bettering. Lost memories could always be regained by the accidental recovery of a lost object or location.
Danielle said, “Don’t look at me like that. You already know what the answer is going to be.”
Samuel said, “I promise not to tell anybody if you let me go. I’m a man of my word.”
Danielle said, “Sorry, but we can’t agree to your terms. Alison Taylor and Rebekah Catherine knows what they’re doing. There is a method to their madness.”
Samuel said, “In that case, can you ladies do me a favor. When the four of you don’t need to guard me anymore, can you get my stuff from my parents house. I can’t function without my personal possessions.”
Rachel Leah said, “We could always buy you brand new personal possessions. Besides, you old personal possessions will appear archaic when we travel forwards in time. You’ll be amazed with the new stuff that we’ll purchase for you instead.”
Samuel asked, “Oh come on, did any of you ladies got rid of your old personal possessions when you joined the Wildflower Girls?”
Hannah Jane said, “None of us Wildflower Girls remembers what our old lives were like. All memories not related to the Wildflower Girls are automatically erased. It’s probably for the best. All of us ladies originated from broken homes. Joining the Wildflower Girls was a stark improvement.”
Samuel asked, “Do all four of you women truly believe that. What if any of you ladies could travel back in time and bring forward all your pre-Wildflower Girls era personal possessions. Would any of you ladies dare make the effort? I’m betting that all four of you would make the effort. You probably can’t do it for yourselves. However, you could do it for me.”
Hannah Jane said, “I’m sorry, but this guilt trip attempt isn’t going to work. I don’t miss anything from my pre-Wildflower Girls existence. I would rather that the past remain in the past.”
Jacqueline asked, “Why are you suddenly so anxious to regain all of your personal possessions from your parent’s house? You don’t even like your mom, your dad or your brother Brian Collins. Why do you insist on worshiping something that you despise.”
Samuel said, “Maybe I hate my parents and my brother Brian Collins from time to time. That still doesn’t change anything. I never want anything horrible to happen to them.”
Danielle said, “I understand that your judgement is clouded because you’re too close to the problem. That’s why we have to tie you to a chair. Because you’re out of control and you need to be reined in.”
Rachel Leah said, “You’re guilt trips are very convincing. You almost had me agreeing with you. Just because your parents were abusive doesn’t mean you should worship them. There are people out there who should never have been a parent. That’s why orphanages and adoption agencies are created.”
Samuel cried out, “You don’t understand. You’re ruining an epic sized master plan. It would be your fault if things don’t happen as originally planned.”
Jacqueline said, “Is that what your brother Brian Collins have been telling you? Don’t you think it’s weird that this epic sized master plan is never clearly explained. You’re being played for a fool. You’re just too trusting and naive to understand that.”
Hannah Jane said, “Don’t worry, we will invade your parents house. However, it won’t be to rescue your personal possessions. Alison and Rebekah Catherine believe that your parents and your brother are up to some criminal mischief. We don’t want you to get caught up in the crossfire.”
Samuel said, “My brother Brian told me that anytime I’m talking to a pretty girl, it always turns out to be a figment of my imagination. The truth is that I’m never allowed to acknowledge the existence of women. The fairies, the elves, the goblins and the nymphs will make sure of that.”
Hannah Jane said with a laugh, “Do I look like a hallucination? Do I feel like a hallucination. The ropes that are binding you to the chair isn’t a hallucination. Brian Collins is a jerk. The sooner you learn the truth about your brother, the better off you’re going to be.”
Danielle said, “There are such things as fairies, elves, goblins and nymphs. However, those creatures tend to be heterosexual. However, Brian Collins may turn out to be homosexual. I hate it when gay men keep insisting that they’re the only people allowed to breath oxygen. It’s obnoxious and self-centered.”
Jacqueline added, “It’s also bizarre and incoherent. Reverend McNaughten aka the Tribulation might be back. I never would’ve expected the Tribulation to return. Alison and Rebekah Catherine was very certain that he’s dead.”
Jacqueline said, “Should I tell Alison and Rebekah Catherine that the Tribulation might be back? You know both girls won’t be pleased by the news.”
Samuel asked, “Who is the Tribulation?”
Rachel Leah said, “The Tribulation is a very bad man. You’re not allowed to step within one hundred feet of the Tribulation. If your brother is mixed up with the Tribulation, then you can’t interact with your family either. It’s important that you understand this crucial fact.”
There were the soft subtle sounds of female footsteps. Samuel was partially aware, but it’s more certain now. Alison Shonen Knife Taylor Junior, Rebekah Catherine Wheel, Tasha Tillberg, Erin Kirby, Kristina Ruth Randall, Misty Supple and her sister Lori Supple walked down the stairs.
Alison said, “I overheard the entire conversation. I’m disappointed in Samuel. I thought he would have more common sense. Samuel’s grasp of common sense will be restored when Brian Collins finally dies. You believe that the Tribulation might be back. We should consider that possibility. Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski should grab Samuel’s personal possessions. However, we’ll do that later when we invade the house as a group rather than as small isolate groups. We can’t allow the Tribulation to grain an unnecessary advantage over us.”
Danielle said, “Why can’t we invade the house now? What are we waiting for.”
Alison said, “We’re waiting because I don’t think it’s the right time to attack. We’re waiting because I’m still in charge of this group.”
Rebekah Catherine said, “Alison’s judgement is always rational. It would be a mistake not to believe anything she tells you. At any rate, it’s now time for the changing of the guard. Erin Kirby, Kristina Ruth Randall, Misty Supple and Lori Supple will guard our prisoner. Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski will be free to do whatever they want.”
Rachel Leah asked, “Why are the lower ranking girls doing guard duty on the prisoner.”
Alison said, “The lower ranking girls are doing guard duty because that’s the way I prefer it.”
Tasha faced Rachel Leah and Danielle before saying, “You both should know better than to question Alison’s judgement. She never lost an argument.”
Lori said, “I hope somebody brought along a deck of cards.”
Misty said, “I still have my deck of cards.”
Lori said, “Hurray, I’m in luck. Let’s go for a few rounds of poker.”
Erin said, “I was hoping you would say that. I’m an expert in poker games.”
Kristina Ruth faced Erin and said, “If your poker games is as good as your archery practice, then I have nothing to worry about.”
Erin said, “Oh come on, my archery isn’t that bad.”
Kristina Ruth said, “Half of the arrows you shot didn’t even strike the target, but landed several miles away in the opposite direction. You nearly killed a squirrel.”
Erin said, ”I hate squirrels. They are nasty and they eat through bricks.”
Tasha said, “Squirrels don’t eat bricks. It’s biologically impossible for a squirrel to eat bricks.”
Erin said, “Everybody with a brain will tell you that bricks is a squirrel’s only source of nourishment.”
Hannah Jane said, “I studied biology long enough to know that squirrels don’t eat bricks. Squirrel teeth isn’t strong enough to eat a brick. Besides, bricks don’t have any nourishment to offer.”
Danielle faced Erin and said, “Drugs isn’t a good thing to ingest in the morning. You need a clear head if you’re going to watching this kid for half of the day.”
Lori said, “I thought squirrels only ate acorns.”
Misty said, “Squirrels do eat acorns. Acorns is the primary source of nourishment for squirrels.”
Lori asked, “Why is Erin feeding bricks to squirrels instead of acorns?”
Misty said, “There are some mysteries that humanity was never supposed to find the answers for.”
Rebekah Catherine, “Ladies, I think we’re dangerously off topic. We’re not supposed to be talking about squirrels. We’re supposed to be talking about the Tribulation.”
Jacqueline said, “The Tribulation and his minions are boring and stupid. They never triumphed in battle and they act like feminine hygiene products. Squirrels are much more interesting.”
Samuel cried out, “Will you ladies stop making fun of my brother and his friends. Brian Collins is going to rescue me. All you ladies will die when the Tribulation finally stages his rescue.”
Alison asked, “How could you expect the Tribulation to rescue you if you never met him?”
Samuel said, “If my brother Brian trusts the Tribulation, then I should trust him too.”
Alison said, “Your blind faith in somebody you never met will be the biggest mistake of your life.”
Samuel said, “Your continued opposition to the Tribulation will lead to the death of every girl employed by the Wildflower Sorority House.”
Alison said, “You keep believing your illusions. I’ll keep believing the truth. We’ll see which sides turns out to be the genuine reality.”
Alison Taylor, Rebekah Catherine Wheel, Tasha Tillberg, Danielle Smith, Hannah Jane Neczpor, Rachel Leah Mattes and Jacqueline Makowski walked up the flight of stairs to the first floor. Poetic Justice, Psychedelic Justice and Lord Fredrick Newel was waiting for them in the kitchen.
Alison faced Lord Newel and said, “It’s alright for you to walk around in the backyard.”
Lord Newel said, “I’m supposed to be under house arrest for crimes against humanity. It would be a mistake to walk around outside if it will violate my prison sentencing agreement.”
Alison said, “We traveled backwards in time to 1860. The courtroom judge who sentenced you hasn’t been born yet.”
Lord Newel said, “That makes no difference. I still need to agree to the principal of the courtroom sentencing agreement. There’s another reason. Regaining my human soul has forced me to face the consequences of my actions. I vowed never to make the same mistake again. Never again will I step outside to the great outdoors.”
Alison said, “Agoraphobia isn’t healthy, but I respect your wishes.”
Tasha asked, “What crimes is Lord Fredrick Newel guilty of committing?”
Alison said, “We’ll talk about that later.”
Poetic said, “We’re going to cook breakfast. Are you ladies hungry.”
Danielle said, “Hannah Jane, Rachel Leah, Jacqueline and myself are going for a morning horseback ride first. I hope that’s alright for the rest of you ladies.”
Rebekah Catherine said, “That’s not alright. The food will spoil if you’re riding around Westerville for far too long. It’s mandatory that you get some nourishment.”
Rachel Leah said, “Lord Newel and Samuel are the only people in this house held prisoner. We can do whatever we want. Isn’t that correct.”
Rebekah Catherine, “Yes, that’s correct. However, you still need to respect Alison’s authority.”
Psychedelic faced Hannah Jane, Rachel Leah, Jacqueline and Danielle and asked, “Please don’t tell me that you’re going to miss my famous scrambled eggs and toast. I finally found out now to brew coffee. You can’t allow yourself to miss a fresh pot of coffee.”
Poetic said, “Of course Hannah Jane, Rachel Leah, Jacqueline and Danielle isn’t going to ride horses. They never missed breakfast in the past. Those ladies isn’t stupid.”
Jacqueline said, “I guess it won’t hurt if we eat breakfast before we go on our morning horseback ride.”
Poetic said, “There we go, I knew you ladies would listen to reason. Then it’s settled. We’re going to eat breakfast. It’s piping hot and ready for serving.”
Hannah Jane faced Jacqueline and whispered, “What are you doing? How are we going to get Samuel’s personal possessions from his parents house.”
Jacqueline faced Hannah Jane and whispered, “It would be better if we coordinate our activities with the rest of the Wildflower Girls sorority.”
Hannah Jane faced Jacqueline and whispered, “There are days when you exasperate my tolerance.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
REVEREND O’RILEY’S CHRISTIAN MINISTRY
Reverend Robert O'Riley was having a good day. He founded St. Peter and St. Paul Baptist Church. But that’s not all. Not only was he blessed with a loving wife named Roxy O’Riley, but he was equally blessed with the best church congregation ever. He never once needed to contact the police to maintain law and order. Obviously, contacting the police would be suicide considering his choice of occupation. You see, not only was he an ordained man of the cloth, but he was also a genocidal maniac.
Esther Easter and Samantha Graves quickly made friends with each other. Reverend O’Riley’s younger sister Deloris O’Riley cheerfully showed off her engagement ring. It was already arranged that there would be a double wedding this coming Sunday. The same Sunday that the world was expected to end. The double wedding involved Esther Easter and Tommy Ranger and Deloris O’Riley and Brian Ranger. Esther Easter never met Tommy Ranger before Bible study. There were times when Esther Easter wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing. She never agreed to a blind wedding engagement before.
The lessons that Reverend Robert O’Riley imparted about the Book of Kings made sense to Esther. She never knew anything about the Old Testament since she hated GOD in all his glory. However, she found herself enjoying the exact same manuscript she pledged to wage war against. Esther also found herself enjoying Roxy O’Riley’s cooking ability.
Refreshments were available after Bible study in a small room beyond the main chapel. Cookies, lemonade, coffee and chocolate cake was spread out on an expensive oak table. The room had lots of stained glass windows. Let’s talk about the architecture. It was a wooden building with the interior painted white with cheerful flourescent color overtones. The church interior was clean and immaculate.
Reverend O’Riley said, “I’ve only known one decent priest in my lifetime. The only decent priest was killed by his ungrateful flock. There’s a lesson to be learned from such an incident. Criminal impulses can never be cured by teaching yourself the opposite direction. Criminal impulses can only be cured by becoming better in your criminal specialty. Serial killers can only be redeemed by becoming better in murdering. Compulsive gamblers can only be redeemed by becoming better at gambling. Pyromaniac can only be redeemed by becoming better in starting fires. Kleptomaniacs can only be redeemed by becoming better in theft. People who are doomed to become criminals must continue to function as criminals. It’s stupidity for a murderer to think that he’ll be rid of his homicidal tendencies.”
Esther asked, “How are you going to end the Earth on Sunday Morning. That part was never clearly explained. I still have no idea what I’m getting myself mixed up with.”
Roxy said, “You should have more faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. He has guided you to our flock. He has shown us how to end all life on Earth. He will show you the path towards redemption by becoming a better criminal. Criminals have always been the cornerstone of Christianity. Christianity used to be the exclusive faith of homicidal maniacs. We need to return Christianity to it’s genuine roots.”
Samantha said, “I have no problems with your twisted depraved theology dogma. I have no problems with ending the world on Sunday morning. My concern is that I’m not going to get married this Sunday with Esther and Deloris.”
Reverend O’Riley faced Samantha and replied, “My dear lady, you murdered and ate your lawfully wedded spouse yesterday. A period of grief and mourning is required before you’re ready for marriage.”
Samantha said, “Your own theology trips you up. You told us that criminals could only be redeemed by repeating their crimes until they become experts. My crime is marrying, murdering and eating my lawfully wedded spouse. Therefore, I should continue to behave like a black widow for eternity.”
Reverend O’Riley said, “There will be plenty of time for your black widow crimes when the world ends. Right now, you must remain in a state of grief.”
Samantha said, “Mourning the death of a lawfully wedded spouse is overrated.”
Tommy Ranger said, “Speaking from the perspective of the endangered male gender, I wish to table Samantha’s grievances until the world ends. Does anybody second my motion.”
Brian Ranger replied, “I will second Tommy’s motion to table Samantha’s grievances until the world ends. The last lawfully wedded spouse that Samantha murdered and ate was likeable. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with Reverend O’Riley’s theology. But, there needs to be limits.”
Samantha faced the Ranger Brothers and said, “Easy for you both to say, you both were only arrested for armed robbery. You both could rob stores and banks anytime you desire. Looting and armed larceny is a mandatory necessity for an end of the world agenda.”
Deloris faced Samantha and said, “Maybe you’re needed to get married, murder and then eat the only politician who could prevent the end of the world.”
Samantha said, “I can’t marry, murder and eat the only politician who could prevent the end of the world within only six days. You’re asking too much from me.”
Roxy said, “All things is possible if you believe in our Lord Jesus Christ. Do you want me to sing a song to illustrate my point.”
Samantha said, “I motion to table Roxy O’Riley’s propensity for song and dance until the end of the world. I’m going to vomit if I have to listen to Onward Christian Solders one more time.”
Roxy cried out, “How dare you say such a thing. Onward Christian Solders is the best song in the world. Hating that song is equal to heresy.”
Samantha cried out, “For Christ sake, you don’t know all the lyrics to Onward Christian Solders. Half of the lyrics you sang out were fabricated.”
Roxy replied, “Jesus Christ doesn’t care that I never memorized the lyrics to every prayer hymn ever written. It’s my enthusiasm for Christianity that truly matters.”
Samantha said, “The lyrics to Onward Christian Solders is printed right there in the prayer hymnal book. However, you never bothered to actually open the prayer hymnal book. You can’t read anything that doesn’t involve illustrated drawings and dialogue balloons.”
An unknown man entered the reception room of St. Peter and St. Paul Baptist Church. Tommy Ranger and Brian Ranger enthusiastically greeted the new arrival.
Tommy Ranger said, “Everybody, I want you to meet my youngest brother Richard Ranger. Richard, I want you to meet Reverend O’Riley, his wife Roxy O’Riley, Deloris O’Riley, Esther Easter and Samantha Graves. My youngest brother is not only a vampire, but he has a criminal record longer than anybody else in this room. He’s an abortion clinic doctor. That alone qualifies him a spot in Hell, but that’s not his only crime. A few of his abortion clients never wanted to abort their babies. He kidnaps pregnant women and forces them to miscarry their babies. That’s the only way Richard Ranger could successfully masturbate. Half of the pregnant women that he kidnaped have died in the involuntary abortion torture experiments.”
Richard Ranger said, “I assume that everybody in this room are vampires.”
Esther said, “I’m not a vampire yet. I’m going to be converted to vampire tonight.”
Richard Ranger said, “Alright, I came at the right time. I always enjoyed vampire initiation rituals. What crime has you committed?”
Esther said, “I murder people and drink their blood. I’m not a vampire yet and I already love blood drinking. This is exciting. I finally get to become a vampire after years of waiting.”
Richard Ranger said, “There’s nothing to worry about. Becoming a vampire is about as easy as falling off a log. I used to be in the same situation that you’re in now. I was drinking blood long before blood drinking became necessary. I was performing involuntary abortions and subsequent murders long before I was a vampire. My older brothers were vampires long before I joined the vampire coven. My older brothers got me converted to the vampire coven ten years ago.”
Samantha said, “Hold on a second, I thought the Baptist church was against abortion.”
Reverend O’Riley said, “The Baptist church is against abortion. However, I’m a cheerful supporter of abortion. A pregnant woman who carries her baby to term is miserable and sad. A pregnant woman who aborts her baby is happy and cheerful. I honestly believe that as truth. Alright campers, let’s pray to Jesus Christ.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE HORSEBACK RIDING TRAVELS OF DOCTOR GENNIFER
Doctor Gennifer Bravo really wasn’t certain if she were singing out of religious pride or fear of the dark. Granted, if she were attacked by a rapist at night, singing church hymns out loud wouldn’t be useful. Additionally, she never took Christianity seriously. However, Doctor Gennifer treated church hymns the same way she treated Christianity and it’s dogmas. It’s good to have an insurance policy just in case the Old and the New Testament of the Holy Bible was genuine. Yes, she knew that she wouldn’t be on the most favorite person list of any right wing conservative Christian. However, she didn’t care if she’ll never make friends with right wing conservative Christianity. It wasn’t as if any of those Bible thumping fanatics would bother to say hello to her.
It took an hour, but she finally reached the private residence of Patrick McCormick. Mark Anderson and Vigil McCormick were impatiently waiting for her. Vigil and Doctor Gennifer lovingly kissed after she walked through the front door.
Doctor Gennifer said, “Sorry I was late. I joined the Wildflower Girls Sorority House. Most sorority houses through parties. The Wildflower Girls does something else entirely. I won’t bore you with the small details. The medical examination house call that I had to do before you took longer than expected. Hey, I’m here now. That’s the important thing.”
Mark said, “I could always find another medical doctor if you’re not willing to do your job properly.”
Doctor Gennifer replied, “Oh Goddess, are we going to have this conversation again. Just let me examine the patient so I could be on my way.”
Mark said, “You’ll never accomplish anything with an attitude like that.”
Vigil faced Doctor Gennifer and said, “You look lonely. Where is your helper?”
Doctor Gennifer replied, “I left Nurse Angie behind at Jefferson D’Mitri’s residence.”
Vigil replied, “That wasn’t what I was talking about. People have worked hard on your behalf and you never arrived. The ruinous atrocity occurred when you failed to bring along your helper.”
Doctor Gennifer faced Vigil and said, “You’re exasperating incoherency is the biggest reason why we’re not going out with each other. Please stop looking at my breasts. Your sexually harassing behavior is making me uncomfortable.”
Vigil stood closer to Doctor Gennifer. He was practically breathing on her neck as he said, “I’ve seen five stage plays that indirectly communicated my opinion. You will atone when you finally locate your helper. You won’t be lonely when you find your helper. The stage plays that I’ve seen are never wrong with it’s prediction. The lonely men shall reign supreme.”
Doctor Gennifer stood aside as she performed her medical examination of Patrick McCormick. Vigil continued to glare at Doctor Gennifer with unwanted sexual intent anytime she wasn’t paying attention to him. Vigil stood behind her again. He stood even closer to her body as his persistance in violating her personal space continued. Doctor Gennifer moved again to no avail.
Patrick asked, “Your behavior is angry, disgruntled and alone. Only a villain would behave in such a manner. Why won’t you agree when my son asked you out? He’s a nice young man. He understood the secret language of the stage plays.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “Incoherent dialogue appears to be contagious. I won’t agree to your son’s request for a romantic date. I find your son loathsome and intolerant. I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but your son’s behavior is creeping me out.”
Mark said, “I’ve been having detailed conversation with other people about your behavior. Your attitude is ruining too many lives. You will face inescapable disaster if you don’t make changes.”
Doctor Gennifer faced Mark and asked, “Are you threatening my life?”
Mark replied, “I’m not threatening your life. I’m stating a guaranteed fact. Stop hurting innocent lives.” Doctor Gennifer replied, “What are you talking about? I’m not hurting innocent lives. I never made a death threat against anybody.”
Vigil made unwanted sexually perverted glances and body gestures anytime Doctor Gennifer wasn’t paying attention. The man was determined to have his way regardless of the girl’s comfort level.
Vigil said, “The stage plays indirectly told a different story. Anybody who angers the stage plays must be punished. The stage plays are never wrong about anything. Everything will be forgiven if you agree to go out with me. Trust me when I talk to you. The stage plays testifies to my honesty.”
Doctor Gennifer faced Vigil and said, “That’s it, the medical examination is over. I’m not going to be your father’s medical doctor anymore. I’m going to hurt you if you approach me with anything.”
Vigil said, “What about my dying father. Daddy needs a medical doctor to cure him.”
Doctor Gennifer faced Vigil and said, “Find yourself another goddamn medical doctor. I’m done.”
Doctor Gennifer stormed out of the McCormick residence. She mounted her horse and rode off into the darkness. She sang church hymns as she rode her horse in solitude.
******
Doctor Gennifer tied the reins of her horse to a wooden post outside Cleveland, Avenue Tavern on Cleveland, Avenue. Doctor Gennifer was only half a foot away from the boundery between Columbus and Westerville. She drank ten glasses of beer before a man around her age approached her. He sat on a bar stool to her right. He ordered a beer from the bartender.
The Man said, “You look about as bad as I feel.”
Doctor Bravo said, “My only hope for getting married is a jerk who hates me. I’m forced to wage a feud against the only guy who thinks I’m sexy. I’m this close to getting a knife and stab myself.”
The Man said, “We won’t be able to have a conversation if you did that. I’m Carter Berquist.”
Doctor Bravo replied, “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Doctor Gennifer Bravo.”
Carter asked, “Do you normally drink this much alcohol at the beginning of the week?”
“I only do so if I’m being treated like garbage by almost everybody.”
“I prefer wine, though I’ll consume the occasional beer. I would’ve purchased you a beer, but you’ve drank too much already. Would it be alright if I ordered a glass of water instead?”
“Knock yourself out Carter, I don’t mind.”
Carter faced the Bartender and said, “A glass of water for the lady.” He faced Doctor Gennifer and said with a smile, “I’m not normally so cheap when chatting up a lady.”
The Bartender placed a glass of water in front of Doctor Gennifer. She took a sip of water.
Doctor Gennifer said, “I bring out the worst tendencies in men.”
“Don’t be in a rush to abuse yourself. You succeeded in getting my attention.”
“That’s true, but I don’t know anything about you. You could be a crazy lunatic. You could be nice. I’m hoping that you’re nice.”
“Trust me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with your instincts.”
“Thank Goddess for small miracles. Where have you been all my life?”
“I’m here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You need to get wasted in a tavern more often. You’ll never know who you’ll meet when you’re about to pass out.”
“I hope I reach my house before I pass out. I don’t like to be unconscious when I’m surrounded by strangers. No offense, but I had bad experience with strangers.”
“Would I remain a stranger if I asked you out?”
“I won’t consider you a stranger if you asked me out. I live in Our Lady of Grace Catholic Church. Father Geoff Bravo is my legal guardian.”
“Then I’ll forgo the usual beer drinking on Wednesday and pick you up at five in the evening.”
Doctor Gennifer stood up as she finished up her glass of water. She said, “You got yourself a deal. Sorry, but I need to go. My legal guardian is going to be worried about me.”
Carter said, “Well it’s nice to talk to you. I’ll look forward to another conversation with you.”
Doctor Gennifer smiled as she walked away from her barstool. She briefly looked back at Carter before she exited the Cleveland, Avenue Tavern
******
Rain was predicted, but never fell. The sky was clear enough to see the moon and the stars. It took a few minutes to ride her horse back towards Westerville. She finally reached her biologic father’s house around eight in the evening. Mark Anderson, Father Geoff Bravo and his brother Bishop Lewis Bravo was waiting for her when she arrived.
Father Geoff Bravo faced his daughter and asked, “Mark Anderson told me a disturbing story about your inappropriate conduct when you tried to give Patrick McCormick a medical examination. Or rather, the total lack thereof. Plus, you rejected Vigil McCormick’s offer to date you.”
Mark said, “Your refusal to provide Patrick McCormick a medical examination could be ruinous. You could end up losing your medical license. I’m very disappointed in you today.”
Doctor Gennifer faced Father Bravo and said, “I would love to tell you about my feelings about dating members of the opposite gender. However, I won’t do so in front of Mark Anderson. I want him to leave right now. I don’t feel comfortable being in the same room with that man.”
Mark cried out, “I beg your pardon? You’re the lunatic who is self destructing around here. Are you listening to yourself. You’re crazy and out of control. I’m the only person who is still able to save you from yourself. Go ahead and kick me out of the house. However, be warned about the consequences. You will face ruinous oblivion if you don’t admit that your inappropriate behavior must change.”
Mark Anderson exited the church and slammed the door shut with a loud bang. Gennifer, Father Bravo and Bishop Bravo sat down in the front rows of the congregational seating portion of the church. All three looked at the crucifix in behind the alter as they spoke to each other.
Doctor Gennifer said, “Please don’t listen to anything Mark Anderson tells you. That man is the only one who is acting crazy around here. Refusing to date Vigil McCormick doesn’t equal self destruction.” Bishop Bravo said, “Look, your biologic father and myself are the only people who took an oath of celibacy. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Your biologic father didn’t perform as expected. That changes nothing. It’s perfectly alright for you to date members of the opposite gender.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “I already know that. However, Vigil McCormick is always sexually harassing me. He just doesn’t know when to stop. Vigil is making me feel very uncomfortable. Surely Mark can find himself another medical doctor to take care of Patrick McCormick. I already know that he’s rich enough to find somebody else to handle the work.”
Father Bravo said, “Be careful when you accuse a guy of sexual harassment. Try to understand the predicament that Vigil is in. It’s very hard for a man to ask a woman on a date without being sexual. No other women in Columbus, Ohio feels the same way about Vigil McCormick. His reputation have always been impeccable. What about you? Your diseased reputation hasn’t always been stellar. Your choice in friends always undermine your efforts to prove your integrity.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “I know I don’t have any proof. However, there is something wrong with Vigil.”
Bishop Bravo said, “Be careful about people that you accuse of mischief. It could explode the wrong way if you can’t produce evidence.”
Doctor Gennifer faced Bishop Bravo with a frown. She said, “It’s ironic that you would say such a thing. You, more than anybody else, should know that evidence is never needed to successfully accuse somebody of something. Emotion based temper tantrums always prevail over logical common sense.”
Bishop Bravo said, “I have more than a few grievances against Doctor Dream. However, we’re not talking about Doctor Dream. His punishment will eventually arrive if we’re patient enough.”
Father Bravo said, “For the sake of argument, let’s assume that Vigil McCormick really is a horrible person to spend time with. Vigil McCormick isn’t the first inappropriate person to make unwanted sexual advances nor will he be the last. However, you can’t allow Vigil McCormick to disrupt your ability to performing your employment responsibilities.”
Bishop Bravo added, “Keep in mind that vengeance is never a good idea.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “What’s the point in being a Wildflower Girl if I can’t indulge in vengeance. It’s a contradiction of terms. I wish I could accuse Vigil McCormick of sexual harassment to counter his sexual harassment accusation. Maybe then I’ll finally get something accomplished.”
Father Bravo said, “Keep in mind that we’re still living in the year 1860. Federal, state and local laws are working against you. It was tough enough trying to graduate medical school against the wishes of those insolent sexist monsters.”
Father Carl Tucker and his biologic daughter Reverend Katie Galsworthy entered the church. They sat down on the steps leading towards the church alter.
Reverend Katie said, “There you are. Rumors about your outburst against the McCormick family is spreading like wildfire. What happened at the McCormick residence. I’ve heard so many horrible things about you from Vigil McCormick. He’s already telling everybody that he was minding his own business and you spontaneously erupted against him.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “I never spontaneously erupt against anybody without provocation.”
Reverend Katie said, “Well you need to be a more careful next time. Vigil McCormick is so popular that everything he says is treated like gospel. You’re going to lose everything from this feud.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “I never started this never ending feud that I’m waging against Vigil McCormick.”
Reverend Katie said, “I understand what you’re trying to tell me. Everybody who’s friends with Vigil tells me that he’s an asshole. However, Vigil McCormick is a popular asshole. He could break you apart in several pieces if you end up losing this feud.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “I already know that Vigil is both powerful and corrupt. I never wanted to wage a feud against anybody. I never done anything to provoke Vigil. Why is he picking on me?”
Reverend Katie said, “I don’t understand what Vigil McCormick is trying to accomplish. I want you to know that I’m watching your back. If you’re going down, them I’m going to follow you to oblivion. The Wildflower Girls always sticks together. Let’s hope the oblivion we’re afraid of never arrives.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “Amen to that sister. If you allow me to change the subject, let’s talk about your parents. You’re the biologic daughter of a Roman Catholic Priest and an unknown prostitute? I heard that your prostitute mother also got knocked up at a Catholic religious revival. Goddess, I thought religious revivals are supposed to be used for prayers.”
Reverend Katie replied, “Yeah, that’s kind of wild. I should be attending Catholic religious revivals more often. It sounds like it would be a blast. I’ve heard that you’re also the biologic daughter of a Roman Catholic Priest and an unknown prostitute. How did two women with the same parentage end up in the same town together. It’s almost as if we’re the same lady.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “Consider yourself lucky that Vigil McCormick isn’t waging a feud against you.”
Reverend Katie said, “Vigil McCormick needs to murder me if he’s going to make a dent against you. Wildflower Girls always sticks together. Your enemies are also my enemy.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “Can’t we gather the Wildflower Girls together and beat up Vigil McCormick?”
Father Tucker said, “We can’t attack Vigil McCormick without provocation.”
Doctor Gennifer said, “Oh come on, the Wildflower Girls always attack without provocation.”
Father Tucker said, “That’s true, but there still needs to be limits. Vigil McCormick’s reputation is impeccable. He was never arrested and he never done anything wrong. There’s nothing illegal about waging an unprovoked feud against an unknown stranger.”
Father Bravo said, “The biggest distinctions about Christianity is being able to forgive your enemies. It’s important that we maintain the high road in everything that concerns us.”
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